Jokes.................

[redbarron77]

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife, and charges...

You're carrying a Smith & Wesson and you are an expert shot.

You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun and what kind of message does this send to society and my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me or would he just be content to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for a few days to try to come to a conclusion.

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

Texan's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.. click... click......

[redbarron77]

We were sitting at the dinner table one night watching Wheel of Fortune when Pat started his introduction of the contestants, all women.

"I'm married to my Handsome husband of 45 years," says the first contestant.

"I've been married to my wonderful husband for 12 years," says the second contestant.

"I'm married to an amazing man who is here in the audience today," says the third contestant.

Well ... Handsome is subjective. But I had to know.

"What's the difference between a wonderful husband and an amazing husband?" I asked my wife.

Without missing a beat she replies, "Ohhhhh about 3 inches."

I was shocked my wife would say something like that, but after a bit of thought I asked, "So ... am I wonderful or amazing?"

She looked at me over top of her spoon and touched me lightly on the arm, "Eat your soup dear. It's getting cold."

[redbarron77]

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visits a marriage counsellor. The counsellor asks the wife, "What's the problem?"

She responds, "My husband suffers from premature ejaculation."

The counsellor turns to her husband and inquires, "Is that true?"

The husband replies, "Well not exactly, she's the one that suffers, not me."

[alab32]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on Match Fee's at the Range instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't shot a gun in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, shooting and sex."

[alab32]

CALIFORNIA

The Governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the Governor's dog, then bites the Governor.

1. The Governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie "Bambi" and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.

2. He calls animal control. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the State $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it..

3. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 testing it for diseases.

4. The Governor goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.

5. The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.

6. The Governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a "coyote awareness program" for residents of the area.

7. The State Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.

8. The Governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The State spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.

9. PETA protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the State.

TEXAS:

The Governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks his dog.

1. The Governor shoots the coyote with his State-issued pistol and keeps jogging. The Governor has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.

2. The Buzzards eat the dead coyote.

[redbarron77]

Skinny Bob has so far managed to stay out of trouble in prison.

One morning he is in the shower when he drops the soap.

All of a sudden, a huge dude with a massive dick is standing behind him, grinning. “No way out, man, but I’ll give you a choice: with spit or without spit?”

Bob thinks quickly, shivers, and says, “Yeah, better with spit.”

“Spit!” shouts the huge dude. “Come on in! The little guy wants a threesome.”

[redbarron77]

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[redbarron77]

A mouse walks into a barafter work on a Friday, sits down and orders a pint. About 10 minutes later this good looking giraffe walks in. Mouse spies the giraffe and says to the bartender "can you get that giraffe a drink on me." Later on the mouse slides down to the giraffe and they end up singing, dancing and carrying on. Eventually the mouse goes home with the giraffe.

The next day the mouse comes back to the pub and he's dragging his ass. Can't hardly walk. The bartender comes around, picks him up, puts him on the stool and says "Mr. Mouse, what's wrong? Looks like you've had it".

The mouse says "had it! Between the fucking and the kissing I must have ran 500 miles last night!"

[redbarron77]

a lonely frog phoned the Psychic hotline and asked what his future holds.

The advisor tells him: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The delighted frog croaks, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party?"

The psychic replied, "No, in Biology class."

[redbarron77]

Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[chevysoldier]

This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in

las vegas , but there are more catholic churches than casinos.

Not surprisingly, some worshipers at sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.

Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.

The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.

This is done by the chip monks.

[redbarron77]

I was sitting at a long stoplight yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green even though there was no on-coming traffic.

I was surprised and shocked when a carload of bearded, young, loud rag-headed Muslims, shouting anti-American slogans, with a half- burned American Flag duct taped on the trunk of their car and a "Remember 9-11" slogan spray painted on the side, was stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled, 'praise Allah' and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere an 18-wheeler came speeding thru the intersection & ran directly over their car, crushing it completely, killing everyone in the car.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, "Man ... that could have been me!"

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a truck driver.

[motociclista]

Two motorcycle-related jokes for you.

A young guy buys a new ZX-14R and he’s really proud of it. He’s out riding around, enjoying having a more powerful bike than anyone he knows.

He’s stopped at a light when an old geezer on an ancient, rusty scooter pulls up beside him.

“What kinda motorsickle ya got there, sonny?” asks the old guy.

“This is a Ninja ZX-14R,” the young guy replies proudly. “Most powerful production motorcycle you can buy!”

“Ya don’t say! Sure is a nice lookin’ motorsickle.” The old guy’s leaning over, checking out the gauge cluster, getting a nice close look at the paint job. Just then, the light turns green so the young guy decides to give the old scooter rider a show and he twists the throttle. Seconds later he’s just barely into second gear and already hitting triple-digit speeds when he looks in his mirror, expecting to see the scooter as a distant speck. Instead, he’s shocked to see something coming up from behind and gaining on him.

Before he can even make out what it is, something goes whooshing past him. How could anything accelerate faster than his Ninja? And maybe it was a hallucination, but it looked like the guy on the scooter. But that’s impossible! He hasn’t even had time to make sense of this when he sees something coming straight at him at high speed. A split second before the impact, he sees it’s the old guy on his scooter.

The collision is horrific, but the kid manages to get off the road. His Ninja’s fairing is shattered and the front end is mangled, but the scooter is a smoldering pile of scattered parts. He sees the old guy lying in a ditch and staggers over to see if he’s alive. The old guy is breathing, but he doesn’t look good.

“Is there anything I can do to help you?” the kid asks the old man.

“Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from your mirror.”

...and...

A local cop decides to pad his ticket count with an easy catch so he parks outside a roadhouse where there are about 20 motorcycles in the parking lot. From his hidden spot, he watches as one biker staggers out of the bar, looks around and tries to find his bearings and then stumbles over to one of the bikes. He fumbles through all his pockets trying to find the key, and when he does, he drops it and spends a full minute on his hands and knees in the unlit dirt parking lot before he finds it. He almost falls over trying to get a leg over the bike, but he finally gets it started and wobbles onto the highway.

Before he’s half a mile down the road, the cop has him pulled over.

As the cop walks up to the biker, he hears 19 motorcycles fire up and head down the highway in the opposite direction.

“Sir, have you been drinking?” the cop asks.

“No sir,” the biker replies. “I’m in AA. Been sober for ten years.” The cop shines his flashlight in the biker’s eyes and they’re clear and alert. No slurring of words. No smell of alcohol at all. The cop realizes the biker is sober.

“But I saw you stagger out of the bar,” said the cop. “What are you, some kind of joker?”

“No sir,” said the biker. “I’m the decoy.”

[kitani2126]

A Marine Corps sergeant took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alec punks, having already heard the new teacher was a Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom and not saying a word, the Marine opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he pulled the staple gun from his briefcase and stapled the tie to his chest. Dead silence.... He had no trouble with discipline the rest of the year.

[kitani2126]

A doctor of psychiatry is doing his normal morning rounds at the hospital when he enters the ward.

He finds Arnold sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Meanwhile Mark is hanging from the ceiling by his feet.

The consultant asks Arnold what he's doing. Arnold smiles and answers, 'Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?'

...

The consultant nods and continues talking to Arnold and ask what Mark is doing on the ceiling. Arnold looks up and murmurs, 'Oh, he's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb.'

The consultant looks up and notices that Mark's face is turning red and blue.

The consultant remonstrates with Arnold and says, 'If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself.'

Arnold replies with a sigh, 'What? And work in the dark.

[kitani2126]

[kitani2126]

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy with 4 young mothers. "You all have obsessions.", the doctor observed.

To the 1st mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named you're daughter 'Candy'."

He looks to the 2nd mother saying, "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He looks to the third mother and says, "Your obsession is alcohol. This manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the 4th mother gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and says to him, "Come on, Dick, we're leaving!"

[kitani2126]

One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today,... you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"

With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time."

[kitani2126]

This lady is at the pet store and she happens upon this beautiful talking parrot at an incredibly low price. She take the bird to the front and asks, "what’s the deal with this parrot?" "Oh," says the clerk, "he a healthy specimen, but he has a bit of a mouth... he's previous owner worked at a bordello." After being assured that she could bring the parrot back the woman buys the bird. As soon as s...he gets home the first thing the parrot does is look around and say, "Ah, new house... new madam." The woman is annoyed, but thinks little of it until her two daughters come home. The Parrot whistles and says, "Ah, new house, new madam, new girls." The woman raises an eye brow, but thinks to herself, 'once he get to know the family it will probably will be ok.' Next her husband walks through the front door... the Parrot takes one look at him and says "HI Dave!"

[BULLET]

Whats the differance betwwen a Fag and a Refridgerator?.......

The Refridgerator dont fart when you take meat out of it!!

[chevysoldier]

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, There are $20 bills falling out of your bag." "'Oh, really? Darn!" says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me.." "Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?' You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes." "Well, that seems only fair." laughs the cop. "OK? Good Luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'' "Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays."

[chevysoldier]

An illegal alien, a Muslim and a Communist go into a bar.

The bartender asks: "What can I get you, Mr. President

[rollnhot]

Whats the difference between a microwave oven and anal sex. A microwave wont brown your meat.

[chevysoldier]

Before Marriage......

Boy : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.

Girl : Do you want me to leave?

...

Boy : NO! Don't even think about it.

Girl : Do you love me?

Boy : Of course! Over and over!

Girl : Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy : NO! Why are you even asking?

Girl : Will you kiss me?

Boy : Every chance I get!

Girl : Will you hit me?

Boy : Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!

Girl : Can I trust you?

Boy : Yes.

Girl : Darling!

After Marriage ...... SIMPLY READ FROM BOTTOM TO TOP

[BULLET]

What do you do if your old lady starts smoking?

Use more.:ky:!! Giggity Giggity Goo...