Jokes.................

[redbarron77]

What do women and dog turds have in common?

The older they get, the easier they are to pick up....

[redbarron77]

If the rich could hire other people to die for them, the poor could make a wonderful living.

Yiddish Proverb

The wise man, even when he holds his tongue, says more than the fool when he speaks .

Yiddish Proverb

What you don't see with your eyes, don't invent with your mouth.

Yiddish proverb

A hero is someone who can keep his mouth shut when he is right.

Yiddish Proverb

One old friend is better than two new ones.

Yiddish Proverb

One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world. Jewish Proverb

A wise man hears one word and understands two. Yiddish Proverb

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."

Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

Pessimism is a luxury that a Jew can never allow himself.

Golda Meir

Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex. It takes a touch of genius - and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.

Albert Einstein

Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance you must keep moving.

Albert Einstein

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them. Albert Einstein

You can't control the wind, but you can adjust your sails.

Yiddish proverb

I don't want to become immortal through my work. I want to become

Immortal through not dying.

Woody Allen

Imagination is more important than knowledge.

Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton .

We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.

Albert Einstein

[redbarron77]

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're Sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink.

The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following ......on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.

The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot Of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.

He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK.

He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks -- this is OK.

Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

.... In one-second the sharp lime taste hits...

.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles

.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend; he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says............ "Blow Job Revenge"

[redbarron77]

Little Johnny comes in late for school. Teacher asks why he's late. Little Johnny replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbour's to get her bred by a bull.

Annoyed, teacher demands, "Can't your father do that?" Little Johnny thinks for a moment: replies, "Well, sure... but the bull can do it better."

[redbarron77]

A mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school.

After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework.

The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

[redbarron77]

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

[chevysoldier]

One little boy puts up his hand, and Obama asks him his name.

" Walter," responds the little boy.

"And what is your question, Walter?"

... "I have four questions:

First, Why did the USA Bomb Libya without the support of the Congress?

Second, Why do you keep saying you fixed the economy when it's actually gotten worse?

Third, Why did you say that Jeremiah Wright was your mentor, then said that you knew nothing about his preaching and beliefs?

Fourth, Why are we lending billions of dollars to Brazil to drill for oil, but America is not allowed to drill for oil?"

Just then, the bell rings for recess. Obama informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Obama says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right: question time.. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. 0bama points him out and asks him his name.

"Steve," he responds.

"And what is your question, Steve?"

Actually, I have two questions.

First, Why did the recess bell ring 20 minutes early?

Second, What the f k happened to Walter?"

[redbarron77]

Joe is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt.

Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realises she has gone without underwear.

The blonde realises he is staring and

inquires, "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry," says Joe and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright," replies the woman, "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you."

Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

Joe, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do.

"I can also make it wink," says the woman. Joe stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. Joe moves over

and is asked, "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, Joe replies, "Good grief! Can it whistle, too?"

[redbarron77]

Way down in the deep south, in an area known as the 'Bible Belt,' there lived a Baptist minister with a very large congregation. One morning, after a particularly moving sermon, he announced, "Friends I have been hearing very nasty rumors!"

The crowd fell into an expectant silence. The Minister continued, "One of you, here among us, has been reporting that I am a member of the dreaded 'Klu Klux Klan.' This, of course, is not true! I am asking that the guilty party confess and apologize now - right here - before my flock of loyal followers."

A young woman quickly stood up blushing and trembling and pled, "Preacher, please, I don't know how this all came to be. I just mentioned to one of my close friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

[redbarron77]

In a dark and gloomy room,the fortune teller was startled by what she saw in her crystal ball. She looked up at her customer, sitting across the table. "There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, the woman stared at the psychic's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know.

She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked, "Will I get away with it?"

[redbarron77]

A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone.

She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me?"

She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said, "Remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well ...... here it comes..."

[redbarron77]

For most of my childhood, I was under the impression that one of the most exciting, fun filled, action packed professions in the world was being a plumber.

Now, that I've picked it as a career choice, I see the mistake I've made.

Thanks for ruining my life, Mario.

[redbarron77]

Charlie marries a virgin. On their wedding night, he's on fire, so he gets naked, jumps into bed, and immediately begins groping her. "Charles, I expect you to be as mannerly in bed as you are at the dinner table."

So, Charlie folds his hands on his lap and says, "Is this better?" "Much better!" she replies with a smile.

"Okay, then," he says, "now will you please pass the pussy."

[redbarron77]

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"

[kitani2126]

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus

[kitani2126]

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.

The interviewer starts with the basics.

"So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying "Ehhhh... 22!"

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.

... "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces "Five foot two!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.

"Just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "MANDY!"

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks -

"What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?"

"Ohhhh, that!" replies the airhead...

" I was just running through that song -

'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...' "

Edited February 1, 2012 by kitani2126

[kitani2126]

A blind guy at a bar shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "before you tell that joke, you should know, our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy next to me is 6' 2", 225 lb. rugby player. fella to your right is 6' 5", 300 lb wrestler. Each one of us IS blonde. Think about it. Do you still wanna tell that joke?" The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

[chevysoldier]

What's a burnt pizza, frozen beer & a pregnant girl have in common? In each scenario there was an idiot who didn't take it out in time!

[redbarron77]

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...

Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.

If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.

That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is" group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

ust remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

[redbarron77]

Max and Ralph met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Ralph didn't show up. Max didn't think much about it, figuring maybe he had a cold or something.

But after Ralph hadn't shown up for a week or so Max really got worried. However, the only time they ever got together anymore was at the park, and Max could not remember where Ralph lived so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month passed and max figured old ralph had gone to his heavenly reward. but one day Max went to the park and, lo and behold, there sat Ralph.

Max was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, "For crying out loud Ralph, what happened to you???"

Ralph replied, "I have been in jail."

Jail???," cried Max! "What in the world for???"

"Well," Ralph said, "You know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where we get coffee sometimes?"

"Yeah," said Max, "I remember her. what about her?"

"Well, one day last month she got mad at me and to get even, she charged me with rape. I was so proud of what everyone would think an old fart like me could still do, that when I got into court, I pleaded 'Guilty'".

The judge then took a good look at me and gave me 30 days for perjury."

[kitani2126]

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two br.........others: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

[Scruit]

Dear Abby,

I am a crack dealer in Beaumont, Texas, who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of HIV virus. My parents live in Fort Worth. One of my sisters lives in Pflugerville and is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana. They are financially dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Dallas. I have two br.........others: one is currently serving a life sentence at Huntsville for the murder of a teenage boy in 1994. My other brother is currently in jail awaiting charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in Longview. She is a part time 'working girl'.

All things considered, my problem is this. I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family. I certainly want to be totally open and honest with her.

Should I tell her about my cousin who supports Barack Obama for President?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

Figures the rest of those folks would be republicans.

(left yourself open for that...)

Edited February 11, 2012 by Scruit

[Sniper_308]

A teacher asked a student to use "handsome" in a sentence. A girl named Latisha says, "Sometimes when I be suckin' Jamal's dick, my jaw git sore and I hafta use my handsome.

[Das Borgen]

[chevysoldier]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive... On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the! Bell . The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business.....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS. SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER