Hypothetical question

[smokin5s]

A friend of mine is hypothetically going through a situation and I thought I would post it on CR to see what everyone else woulo do.

 

let's say you are a parent of a 14 year old. You have let them ocassionally taste a wine cooler with you. One night, you walk in on them raiding your liquor cabinet with a friend... Do you punish them or just have a talk with them because you feel you might have let them feel it is ok by letting them have a taste of a drink before? Keep in mind, the father had a discussion less than a week ahead of time telling the 14 year old child that if they ever caught them drinking with a friend in the house they will be grounded...

 

The mother is now hypothetically leaving the father because she won't ground the kid...

 

So who's right? The mother or the father

[BBQdDude]

It is NEVER that cut and dry. I would have whipped his ass though. I have a 22 year old.

[ImUrOBGYN]

The child should be punished. No questions. And yes, I've raised kids. No time to get into the detail of the 'why fors', but I will later if need be.

 

One more thing, if the parents are splitting up over this, they're fuckin idiots. Really?! This is what splits them up? If that's the case, they should go their separate ways before they fuck that kid up.

 

Oh, and if this hypothetical couple is yours, then I apologize for being so harsh, however, I stand by what I said.

[Not Brian]

haha that's like saying she's getting a divorce only because "he" didn't put the toilet seat down. This just seems like the last straw to me.

[87GT]

haha that's like saying she's getting a divorce only because "he" didn't put the toilet seat down. This just seems like the last straw to me.

 

This

 

 

Punish the kid for sure.

[smokin5s]

been alot of fighting going on lately on how to punish the kid and when the kid is punished, it's bullshit like, take away the xbox, but you still have the tv, phone, computer, etc.... it's definately the last straw type of thing... but it all boils down to the same thing... all revolves around that kid not being punished and acting right.

 

one other thing, kid is a step child to the father

[RC K9]

It is NEVER that cut and dry. I would have whipped his ass though. I have a 22 year old.

 

+1 one. Whoop his ass. My father let me drink beer once in a while starting at 16 or 17 with dinner and what not because I had demonstrated that I was responsible. But it was made perfectly clear to me when it was aceptable for me to drink and when it wasn't. I wasn't allowed to just go take a beer whenever I wanted, and I knew that. I needed direct permission.

 

As for the wife leaving the husband for not grounding the kid? Sounds like a rocky marriage anyway if she is leaving her husband because of something like that. That's it, lets just go back on our promises to each other before God, and bail out on my family all together because my husband won't ground out kid. For better or worse? Maybe thier vows were different though. Something like, "for better or worse, but not too worse, like if we have a disagreement, in sickness and in health, unless you get too sick for me to want to deal with, until death do us part, unless I get tired of being married to you before either one of us dies."

[zeitgeist57]

This isn't a funny situation, but you seem to know alot about this "hypothetical" family situation...

 

I remember sneaking a beer every so often when I was 14. However, it was just me, and I didn't get anyone else involved. The kid is asking to be punished by getting a friend in the mix...having a beer by the basement fridge is one thing; getting a friend involved and stealing drinks from his parents' stash is totally another. Not the parents fault so much as lack of judgement by the kid. Punishment is a given. I'd also tell the friends' parents too, so that stuff won't happen again.

 

I don't see why a blended family situation should matter...disobedience is disobedience.

 

Oh, agreed on the divorce thing...there are issues far beyond this one that led to the breakup.

[smokin5s]

+1 one. Whoop his ass. My father let me drink beer once in a while starting at 16 or 17 with dinner and what not because I had demonstrated that I was responsible. But it was made perfectly clear to me when it was aceptable for me to drink and when it wasn't. I wasn't allowed to just go take a beer whenever I wanted, and I knew that. I needed direct permission.

 

As for the wife leaving the husband for not grounding the kid? Sounds like a rocky marriage anyway if she is leaving her husband because of something like that. That's it, lets just go back on our promises to each other before God, and bail out on my family all together because my husband won't ground out kid. For better or worse? Maybe thier vows were different though. Something like, "for better or worse, but not too worse, like if we have a disagreement, in sickness and in health, unless you get too sick for me to want to deal with, until death do us part, unless I get tired of being married to you before either one of us dies."

When I said my vows, I meant it... so I know what you mean, everything except the in front of god part... And it's the other way around, wife is leaving the husband because the husband wants to ground the kid.

[smokin5s]

This isn't a funny situation, but you seem to know alot about this "hypothetical" family situation...

 

I remember sneaking a beer every so often when I was 14. However, it was just me, and I didn't get anyone else involved. The kid is asking to be punished by getting a friend in the mix...having a beer by the basement fridge is one thing; getting a friend involved and stealing drinks from his parents' stash is totally another. Not the parents fault so much as lack of judgement by the kid. Punishment is a given. I'd also tell the friends' parents too, so that stuff won't happen again.

 

I don't see why a blended family situation should matter...disobedience is disobedience.

preach on brotha preach on... we're on the same page on that one.

[Not Brian]

one other thing, kid is a step child to the father

Man that makes a world of difference, I don't think I could ever punish someone else's kid.

[smokin5s]

Man that makes a world of difference, I don't think I could ever punish someone else's kid.

sometimes you gotta step up and be a man when no man is around dude... her sperm donor has never been around from what I can see.

[RC K9]

When I said my vows, I meant it... so I know what you mean, everything except the in front of god part... And it's the other way around, wife is leaving the husband because the husband wants to ground the kid.

 

I must have misread it. Either way, she has some other issues going on.

 

Man that makes a world of difference, I don't think I could ever punish someone else's kid.

 

Not trying to bash or anything, just curious as to why you couldn't? Once you are married, bio father or step father, you are still a family unit and there are rules that need to be followed. By marrying his mother and becoming his step father you assume what should be an authoritative role and as such, both reward AND discipline should be executed by both parents. If you don't exercise authority, the kid is always going to walk all over you. There has to be balance.

[Orion]

Kid gets beat for stealing and involving a friend. Husband gets beat for introducing the kid to alcohol at the ripe old age of 14 (incredibly stupid, and if you don't think so, then you are, by association, also incredibly stupid). Wife gets beat for wanting to leave her man over this shit. Problem solved.

[Sturg1647545502]

haha that's like saying she's getting a divorce only because "he" didn't put the toilet seat down. This just seems like the last straw to me.

 

That's what i was thinking. As far as the kid is concerned i would punish him for going against what I said and then talk to him LIKE AN ADULT about alcohol. Come up with a list of questiions to ask him and actually listen to what he has to say

 

Find out what he knows about it, what his friends are doing, what hes seen in movies, ads, TV or from adults(how its often glorified but there is another side often not seen or talked about to alcohol) what the laws say about underage drinking and how people young and old die from DUIs, but mainly the young die from alcohol poising. How DUIs can prevent him from getting a job in specific fields.

 

I would make it clear that no punishment from any parent or legal authority trumps trying to hide an alcohol related OD or driving drunk to try and conceal the wrong doing (call 911 if someone ODs, call me if you need a ride)

 

i would also cover the effects of alcohol and the first thing that goes out the window is an ability to make rational decisions. Let him know that its nothing against him but the fact is adolescent's frontal lobe(get scientific on him so he believes you and that your not just saying it to piss him off) is the decision making part of your brain and its not fully formed until your early 20's(aka 21 to drink). Throw ETOH in the mix and really bad decisions often get made...things that are life threatening. Tell him specifically that this will happen to him to try and combat the "it'll never happen to me" mentality.

 

Punishment doesn't do any good unless there is a lesson learned from it. Punishment for the sake of punishment, imo, is usually in vein.

the issue can sometimes be that parents only know how to punish how they were punished(beatin's etc) and aren't aware that there are more productive ways of approaching problems. No one likes to be told their methods are not right but the track record can speak for itself.

 

your hypothetical friend is on his own with the wife situation.

[smokin5s]

Kid gets beat for stealing and involving a friend. Husband gets beat for introducing the kid to alcohol at the ripe old age of 14 (incredibly stupid, and if you don't think so, then you are, by association, also incredibly stupid). Wife gets beat for wanting to leave her man over this shit. Problem solved.

husband had nothing to do with introducing achohol... although I don't think a taste really hurts anything.... one of the things I learned in my CCW class... if your kid asks to see ur firearm, you go show them right that minute.... after a while, they loose the appeal and then they don't bother you about it.. same principal..... within reason of course.

[SpaceGhost]

+1 one. Whoop his ass.

 

Curious, whould you "Whoop a dogs ass" training him or her?

[Not Brian]

My folks always harped about underage drinking being against the law and how some kids somewhere else got kinda sick from drinking too much and blah blah.. none of that shit ever once phased me. You'll have to let them get shitass wasted puking into eachothers faces for hours then wake them up at 5am the next morning banging a baseball bat in a metal bucket.. then give them a big fat "I told ya so"

 

That is the only way to get thru to kids.

[Ziggy1647545504]

Wow... My wife and I have had disagreements over what is a suitable punishment for our kids in a given situation, but this is a serious issue. I would say that as the step-dad in this hypothetical situation, you made a bad decision in allowing the 14 year old to partake of any alcohol (let alone the tasty cool-aid flavored wine coolers) at 2/3 the legal drinking age. However, that issue aside, if you've made it very clear what the consequences would be if this CHILD is caught drinking with a friend in the house, you have an obligation to follow through with that punishment. Now if his mother refuses to enforce the consequence and is walking away from the marriage and cites that as a reason, I think it's time to let them go. If you can't count on your spouse to enforce a punishment that is, at it's very core, designed to protect HER child, you're setting yourself up for a series of long, difficult struggles. That and the fact that in that child's eyes, your rules, advice, and authority doesn't amount to anything and you'll never get the respect that a parent should require from their children.

 

Good luck, tough situation for sure.

[RC K9]

Curious, whould you "Whoop a dogs ass" training him or her?

 

Yup. Had a few dogs come at. They learned quickly aggression towards me was not going to fly. Wasn't an issue afterwards and in fact, they trained up very nicely.

[SpaceGhost]

Ok then.

[Orion]

husband had nothing to do with introducing achohol... although I don't think a taste really hurts anything.... one of the things I learned in my CCW class... if your kid asks to see ur firearm, you go show them right that minute.... after a while, they loose the appeal and then they don't bother you about it.. same principal..... within reason of course.

 

 

I must have missed somthing in the reading then. Use of a weapon and drinking are not analogical to one another, so your point about firearms, while a good one (which I happen to agree with), is irrelevant to this situation.

 

I must say that when I said "Kid gets beat", I was oversimplyfying. Of couse you can't just apply discipline without first showing cause and discussing avoidance of future punishment. I guess I assumed that was implied. Either way, I will continue to be unconvinced that consumption of alcohol by a minor is EVER a good thing.

[RC K9]

Ass whoopins teach a lot when issued properly and in the appropriate situation. Dogs, people, whatever. Once when I was a kid, my dad bought me a bow. I asked if I could go outside with it one day and he said "yes, but don't try to shoot anything out of it, including sticks." I said OK. I went outside, thought he wasn't watching and tried to shoot a stick with it. He came out, asked if I had shot a stick with it, I told him no, he said he watched me, and I got spanked, hard. Probably one of the least pleasureable whoopins I ever took. Got it worse that normal because I lied about it. And you know what, I deserved every bit of it because I knew the consequences ahead of time and still went through with doing it. Well, I never did that again nor did I ever lie to my parents again. Life went on.

[TimTaylor751647545500]

Worst I got was from my Grandmother when I kept putting off doing my chores, then lied to her saying I had when I didn't. I got to go pick out a switch (ie branch) that was used to put the fear of God into me. I didn't put off or lie about doing my chores anymore. I still love my Grandmother.

[RC K9]

I will continue to be unconvinced that consumption of alcohol by a minor is EVER a good thing.

 

Now is this applicable to American Culture only or worldwide? Many other cultures (specifically european) allow people to drink at 16, 18, etc. So when you say "minor", are you referring to minor as determined by the governing authorities? As stated above, minor here is not minor in Ireland. Should the Irish not be allowed to drink at 18?

 

Instead of being black and white, wouldn't it be up to the parents to determine the responsibility level of each child individually? My brother's were not granted a lot of the same priviledges as me when we were younger because they weren't as "responsible" as me. This icluded but not limited to the consumption of a beer once in a while with dinner ot what not.

 

So take my case for example, as I would have fallen under the "I as a minor consuming alcohol was never a good thing." Why was it good or bad?

 

Thoughts?