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RSVDon

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RSVDon Grand Master

RSVDon

Posted
Posted

* I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

* More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can

think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell

my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves

me.

* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you

realize you're wrong.

* I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to

have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and

sticks when they've invented the lighter?

* Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're

going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to

be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the

direction from which you came, you have to first do something like

check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to

yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're

crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

* That's enough, Nickelback.

* I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This

recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never

be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

* Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't

work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically

fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all

know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards

or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

* There is a great need for sarcasm font.

* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and

suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first

saw it.

* I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually

becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting

90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's

laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little

bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the

only one who really, really gets it.

* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than

take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear

your computer history if you die.

* The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

* A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the

spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

* Was learning cursive really necessary?

* Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

* Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron

test is absolutely petrifying.

* My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.

Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired

about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."

Classy, bro.

* Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all

I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod

and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

* Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'

examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete

idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and

said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

* What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

* While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and

instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I

know how to get out of my neighborhood.

* Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

* I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the

shower first and THEN turn on the water.

* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,

and you can wear them forever.

* I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

* Bad decisions make good stories

* Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their

profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got

the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if

I do!

* Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

* If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would

probably just be completely invisible.

* Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go

around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly

nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be

a problem....

* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work

when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything

productive for the rest of the day.

* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't

want to have to restart my collection.

* There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are

going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me

if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I

swear I did not make any changes to.

* "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

* I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching

TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge

me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching

this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the

room. Will we still be friends after this?'

* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?

Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and

goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone

and run away?

* I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing

anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

* When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she

hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light

internet stalking.

* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,

then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising

speed for pedophiles...

* As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,

but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not

know what time it is.

* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

* I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to

answer when they call.

* I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I

find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from

the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

* Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car

keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my

ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in

about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

* My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would

happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

* It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the

link takes me to a video instead of text.

* I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they

drive behind obeys the speed limit.

* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

* I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or

Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

* The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw

they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,

someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think

about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people

eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by

myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard

before dinner.

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dmagicglock Mentor

dmagicglock

Posted
Posted (edited)
* I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

I totally got bamboozled by mapquest in 2000 in chicago on the way to a dmb concert and landed in the projects of chitown during "african american cultural" festival, definitely got some wierd looks.

* More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can

think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell

my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves

me.

I couldn't get through your excellent post fast enough to post my replies

* Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you

realize you're wrong.

It doesn't bother justin, look at how he STILL tries to argue for healthcare :)

* I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to

have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and

sticks when they've invented the lighter?

Some of the best nights of my life have been totally spent binge drinking, and some of the worst too...

* Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're

going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to

be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the

direction from which you came, you have to first do something like

check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to

yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're

crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

HAHA if I had a dollar for everytime i've done this in a mall... play it cool, act like you're going to bath and body.. ohh nothing to see here and... turn around

* That's enough, Nickelback.

His new hair do is even gayer than before

* I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

I am thinking about this now because i got about 3 hours of sleep last night because my 5 month old is the last child in the world to grasp the concept of sleeping through an entire night

* The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This

recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never

be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

who in the sam hell came up with the idea of a qwerty keyboard, and what does sam hell mean!?

* Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't

work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically

fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all

know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards

or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

I remember when I bought my wii a few months ago... I was nervous because the last time I had played a video console... was a nintendo and I was rocking out to some contra and despite all the graphics and hoo ha, I just don't think video games will ever be that great again

* There is a great need for sarcasm font.

I think if sarcasm could be any font, it would be lucida sans in italics

* Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and

suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first

saw it.

I have a similar observation, but it has to do with comedies, stuff I thought was an instant classic back then, (like any adam sandler movie) I watch now and think... thats not funny at all... Ace Ventura tho', still epic

* I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually

becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting

90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's

laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little

bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the

only one who really, really gets it.

Greatest observation ever! You're not the only one, I made my in laws watch "forgetting sarah marshall" and I was amazed that they didn't find it as funny as I did. I dont think they could leave quick enough that night.

* How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I crumble the spare ones up in a ball and throw them in the back of the linen closet as quickly as I can so my wife doesnt notice it and ask me to refold it...

* I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than

take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

I hope that my neighbors watch me carry in my groceries cause on any given Sunday I look like Magnus van Magnussen from the worlds strongest man competition carrying about 15 plastic bags on each hand. It could all be filled with bread, but I look so bad ass doing it.

* I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear

your computer history if you die.

My wife's best friend and sister is instructed to clear whats underneath our bed if my wife and I die, we would hate for her parents last memory of their daughter to be oh wow... she had quite a porn and dildo collection

* The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

haha just happened to me yesterday, on my TOUCHSCREEN phone... I breathed a sigh of relief and said, oh I'll dial up a phone call while i'm at it too!

* A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the

spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

maybe we should play beer pong with everclear, more sanitary and you don't have to worry about people hogging the table for more than one ehhh half a game

* Was learning cursive really necessary?

no, because even tho' I know how, I still write half my words in d'nealian and half in cursive.

* Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

lol...we do have the greatest lol icon on here tho, see :lol: sometimes just looking at it, makes me laugh too!

* I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and masturbation

* Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron

test is absolutely petrifying.

I once had a teacher in highschool make all the answers "B" just to see if anyone caught on, like me and two other people did, rest of the class failed.

* My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads.

Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired

about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us."

Classy, bro.

Is it baseball or softball? Cause nothing is more emasculating than ol' guys playing softball who can't hang up their days at a D3 or NAIA school (insert brett farve joke here)... I mean you pitch underhanded lobs, even the chicks pitch fastballs.

* Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all

I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

I hate people who are book smart and have no common sense, I'll never understand it. I had a friend who could explain to you front and back splicing vectors from a bacteria to genetically modify them, but when I took her to bdubs, she thought if she poured pepper on the knapkin it would stop the glass from sticking better because it was hotter

* How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod

and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

depends on topic, sometimes I just go uh oh and okay, until they finish their story, the less questions you ask the quicker they finish talking.

* Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'

examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete

idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and

said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

I use to work in cell phones and I HATED it when you'd call in for an indian customer and the customer care rep always asks you to confirm their name and they can see that its W'alikiam Eshkashem and you have to repeat it in front of the customer like a butcher, then they would ask you to spell it and I would always get frustrated and say "W" as in war on terror...

* What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

I've always wanted to have the disposable income to hire a private investigator for shits and giggles just to see what they actually come up with.

* While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and

instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

I throw banana peels out my car window cause its biodegradable and I'm sorry you had to swerve...

* MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I

know how to get out of my neighborhood.

haha love it, i sometimes copy/paste the directions into word from the highway

* Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

Edited by dmagicglock
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dmagicglock Mentor

dmagicglock

Posted
Posted

what if they also told you all their skeletons in the closet, or if they had obituaries celebrating peoples deaths not mourning them, like Bobby ray died today, and we couldn't be happier, he was a child molster, an asshole... etc etc

* I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the

shower first and THEN turn on the water.

I have to let it run for a good 5 minutes before I even think about getting in there, i tried to take a cold shower this winter when it was like 0 degrees outside and our hotwater heater was broken, i was so cold I thought... this is how I go... i'm going to die of hypothermia in a self induced shower. Then I thought if i was homeless and had to take cold showers, I'd probably just be a sweaty bum like the rest of them.

* Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,

and you can wear them forever.

i have like a 3 wearings rule, depending on if I went into a bathroom where someone had pee'd on the floor and blatantly missed the urinal. I'm going to invent the urinal with a soft back at a decent angle to prevent splashback...

* I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

I can, and it involved a 12 hour bender of redbull, 5 hour energy and starbucks, the crash was amazing tho'.

* Bad decisions make good stories

I like to think other people's bad decisions make great stories!

* Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their

profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got

the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if

I do!

And this is why I don't social network, I'm off the radar so big brother or the next company I interview with can't find me pounding a redbull and vodka or doing a keg stand. I know you can make them "private" but shit gets out, just ask the lady who saw her baby's pics from facebook end up on craigslist for an adoption ad.

* Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

Is it just me or do I try to justify in my head, why if I was single and I slept with a highschool girl, she totally comes off as a consenting adult and 100 years ago, she would've been married by now.

* If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would

probably just be completely invisible.

why were we looking for waldo? They should have a book for kids called "find the amber alert" or something more instructional. And what about the dorks who always got on the game show where in the world is carmen san diego, their geographical knowledge was superb!

* Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go

around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly

nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be

a problem....

I hate that billion dollar companies still think these are effective introductions, lets go to the bar for a mixer before hand and everyone will get to know eachother way better.

* You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work

when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything

productive for the rest of the day.

that usually comes every day, before noon for me

* Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't

want to have to restart my collection.

I started to collect dvd's years ago and then I said... wait a minute this adds up and i'll never watch some of these movies again... Needless to say I traded "milo and otis the directors cut" in and haven't bought a dvd since.

* There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are

going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

leaning your stool back because its a good foot or two higher off the ground, sincerely, "1 upper"

* I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me

if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I

swear I did not make any changes to.

I hate autoformating, I wanna find this autoformat guy and autoformat his face!

* "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

That means you should wash this in the ganges right next to where it was made.

* I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching

TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge

me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching

this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the

room. Will we still be friends after this?'

Almost like the movie thing, its like if I put "The Soup" on, I know joel mchale is going to bring his A game every show, I mean how can they not laugh at this, their the one's who have something wrong with them, not me...

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dmagicglock Mentor

dmagicglock

Posted
Posted

* I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?

Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and

goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone

and run away?

this is my pet peeve #5, don't ask me 1-4, just take notice this is in the top ten!

* I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing

anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I hate leaving my house and realizing everyone else in the neighborhood has already left work for their "real jobs" but I don't mind when I get back from work and they're still not home

* When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she

hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light

internet stalking.

that is awesome! Luckily this hasn't happened to me because I'm married, but it is always awkward if you bring up a situation that happened to you years ago with a different girlfriend... like "remember the time we went to see meet joe black and you actually laughed in the theater... oh wait that wasn't you..."

* I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,

then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

iTunes shuffle/dj whatever it is, is terrible, I'll have it shuffle through the same artist like 4 songs in a row. I'm like if youre playing half an album for me, its not really shuffling.

* Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising

speed for pedophiles...

I think it should be 40 and any retards that get hit by cars, is natural selections way of knocking off the kids that weren't going to make it through 3rd grade the first time through anyways.

* As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,

but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

I think cyclists who drive in the road like they're a motor vehicle should be shot on the spot, especially the ones who drive like a car but then run red lights and stop signs, you can't have it BOTH WAYS!!!

* Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not

know what time it is.

sometimes my wife tells me things 3 times in a row and I still don't hear her.

* It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

You know this was actually founded to prevent minorities, mostly blacks, from procreating, hilarious! This isn't some conspiracy theory, you can really look it up

* I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to

answer when they call.

I do this with my brother, it actually says "do not answer randy"

* I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I

find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from

the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

I use to think I was sterile, because I'd had a few dumb unprotected instances and nothing ever came of it, then I finally got my wife pregnant and the baby looks like me... so I think my men work? If you ever become a dad you'll have to read the greatest book of our time "my boys can swim" its almost like you wrote it.

* Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

Even if I had life lock, I still wouldn't put my social security number on a billboard.

* Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car

keys in a pocket, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my

ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in

about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

When my alarm goes off, I know its time to get up and I just roll with it. My wife tho', will hit her snooze button 8 times and actually set her alarm earlier than when she needs to get up, just because she knows she is going to snooze button it up 8 times. Sorry this is turning into a marriage counseling/therapy session for me.

* My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would

happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

umm probably the same thing that would happen if you ran over a powerwheels

* It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the

link takes me to a video instead of text.

I can't believe you go to CNN.com, no I hate that too, and I think every story they have a video for, they should have a text based version too... Have you ever noticed local news is pointless besides weather, I mean unless you want to know if something burned down or someone in the bad side of town got shot

* I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they

drive behind obeys the speed limit.

Funny you say this, I heard a cop call into a talk radio show the other day and he mentioned he is either the asshole holding up traffic doing the speed limit or the asshole doing 9 over that everyone bitches about for being a hypocrite

* I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Stuff like this amazes me, I mean its like the "tagless tshirt" what an amazing invention, we've had them for YEARS upon years and yet it took us how long to make that improvement...

* I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or

Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

I'm not so worried about what the kiss begins with, but what does it end with, I think if we knew that, we could really focus our efforts on the right people

* The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw

they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,

someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think

about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people

eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by

myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard

before dinner.

Do you ever notice even if you order the takeout at the restaurant instead of calling it in, fly home as fast as humanly possible, it still doesn't taste as good as if you ordered it and it sat underneath a warming light for ten minutes before they served it to you. And japanese food no matter how long or short its in your car, will make it smell for weeks.

sorry for the TRIPLE POST, but it wouldnt let me post that many characters at once and thanks for the EPIC friday thread, much REP to you sir!

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Fonzie Grand Master

Fonzie

Posted
Posted
Wow, thanks for making me look like an asshole laughing at my computer screen today!

Glock, you're too funny... putting a personal note to each of those....

It's after noon, so he's already decided he's not doing anything else constructive today! :lol:

Don..... So many of those were freakin' hilarious... & TRUE! ;)

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John Grand Master

John

Posted
Posted

nickleback sucks so bad. they are right up there with creed in the running for worst band ever.

if both of their busses crashed into one another, it would be a glorious day.

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