My Thoughts and Advice on Dealing w/ the news of a Suicide

[DGTL GRL]

I took the time to write this up and post this to my Facebook this morning. I thought maybe it could be useful in the "off-topic" area since suicide is sensitive issue that many don't openly discuss. Below is the copy of my 'Note'. I should also mention that I am from a very small town of less than 5,000 and when something like this happens the news spreads like wildfire along with the rumormills.

My Advice on Dealing with the News of a Suicide

The recent news of a suicide of a former classmate prompted me to write this note.

Since I have personally had the suicide of a family member affect my life I thought that I should share some words of advice when dealing with family members, friends, or aquaintances of those who have committed suicide.

I was understandably angry and hurt by someones outward view on suicide.

I will try and write this with a level-head and remind myself that not all are touched by suicide and so when something like this happens people are unable to properly respond. I wouldn't wish this experience upon anyone. Please take a moment to consider the following points before you react.

Sensitivity Training 101 for News of Suicide (List is evolving and never complete.)

1- The person who ended their life was important to someone. Mind your words carefully. I understand that some religious views bring into question the soul after someone commits suicide. Please realize that is NOT what a family member/loved one/aquaintance wants to hear right now. They have so many unanswered questions from the unexpected passing. They need you to comfort them. I'm sure you would not enjoy being in the same horrible situation and someone bringing up this religious belief to you. Let's say even if on a regular basis you agree with that view---- in this difficult time you most certainly WOULD NOT want to hear that. This is not the time.

2- Do not treat the immediate family member/friend/loved one like an outcast. You won't realize it but since it does happen so rarely the suicide victim's loved one can feel strange and almost alienated. Don't point fingers, whisper, etc. We are already dealing with so many unanswered questions. Please treat us with the respect you would treat someone who just lost a family member in any other situation. (i.e. Cancer, accidental death, etc) We are grieving.

3- Don't assume you know what happened. You have no idea. While you may somehow find out the facts on how their method of taking their life--you will NEVER know all the pain the recently departed went through. You will never understand. It is NOT for us to understand. Just be there for those affected.

Looking back in retrospect, my personal opinion is that the act of suicide is the most selfish thing one can do. It is the quick way out. They leave those who care about you most with so many questions. We would of done anything to have prevented this from happening! It has been said that the loved one or those closest of those who choose suicide die 1,000 deaths from all the pain we continue to endure.

These are only a few of my tips for those dealing with the news of suicide and I will probably add more as they come to mind. Please feel free to send me your thoughts.

I hope you never know the pain suicide can bring, but I hope somehow my words in this note will help you to be more sensitive to this tragedy.

Sincerely,

Christina

PS- Please feel free to share this advice with others. Unfortunately common sense isn't always so common.

[Bad324]

thanks for this....I need to forward this on to some friends back in Cinci as I just got word that a kid in another fraternity hung himself last night

[DGTL GRL]

thanks for this....I need to forward this on to some friends back in Cinci as I just got word that a kid in another fraternity hung himself last night

That is horrible news.

I am glad I can help. Please do forward. It's a tough topic for people to deal with and try to understand.

[gsxr750girl]

I've delt with this as well. A close friend I went to middle school and high school with her brother took his own life. I won't go into details because its not needed but it took a toll on a lot of people! We were all very close so thankfully no fingers got pointed and we all stuck together! Thanks for sharing Christina!

[DGTL GRL]

I've delt with this as well. A close friend I went to middle school and high school with her brother took his own life. I won't go into details because its not needed but it took a toll on a lot of people! We were all very close so thankfully no fingers got pointed and we all stuck together! Thanks for sharing Christina!

So sad.

Thank you for sharing!

My mother decided in May of 1998 that a pill overdose was the best way out of her problems. The pain will never go away.. you just somehow learn how to deal and find strength within yourself that you never knew was there.

All the best.

-Christina

[Cdubyah]

The pain will never go away..

I still love one that I lost almost 10 years ago. But you are are correct, the pain never goes away.

[gsxr750girl]

So sad.

Thank you for sharing!

My mother decided in May of 1998 that a pill overdose was the best way out of her problems. The pain will never go away.. you just somehow learn how to deal and find strength within yourself that you never knew was there.

All the best.

-Christina

Very sad

I'm sorry girl and yes you are right the pain never goes away! I often wonder what Luke would be doing today....I also had a very close friend murdered which sucked but thats another story....the pain never leaves your right!

Just seems like it hurts worse when the ones we love decide to leave this world on their own!

[DGTL GRL]

Ever so true.

[Fazerlady]

What I would like to know is what you can prevent people from committing suicide.

I am afraid for my daughter. She is 15 and has been pretty much depressed the entire time we have been here (4 months)

She has written notes on wanting to die, saying the suicide voices are getting louder etc, etc. She is currently in psychological care and she has good days in between, but my worst fear is finding her one day ....well, I won't finish the sentence...

So for a loved one it is very stressful to see someone just being sucked into this black hole and there is nothing you can do to make it better.

I feel for all of you that have lost someone through this unnecessary way to die...

[redkow97]

The whole idea of trying to 'understand' suicide is a catch-22 for me... You can't rationalize irrational acts or thoughts.

Psychologists and counselors have a lot of insight into the faulty logic of depressed individuals, but they're still not mind-readers.

it's sad when people are victims of their own emotions, but i think any advice on how to help them should come from a professional.

But DGTL GRL's thoughts on how to help the victim's loved ones sound spot-on to me. Those people are much easier to empathize with. Their grief IS rational and understandable. The way a person dies doesn't change the way they lived - and that's what their loved ones will miss.

[DGTL GRL]

Fazer,

It saddens me to hear about your daughter's suicidal thoughts. I wish I knew exactly what to say to you. I don't want this to sound trite.. but the best thing you can do for them is to get them the help they need early on-- which you have.. and then make sure they know you are there for them completely.

That being said... I got a odd feeling a couple of days before my mother's death that she was planning suicide. She made statements about wanting me to have 'this' or 'that' if something was to happen to her. She did have mental instabilities, had previously threatened to throw herself from a moving vehicle, and was just released from a psych ward several days before her death.

I had a trip planned to England my mother kept on telling me that "No matter what happens I want you on that plane. This is a chance of a lifetime." With that being said and her telling me she wanted me to have such valuable items I told her to that we could talk about that later when I got back from England. She agreed and then I left that evening.

On my ride home I got worried that she was going to do it. After a conversation with my boyfriend I fell asleep. I woke up the next day in a panic worried she was gone. Luckily I was able to see her and she looked good that day. I thought all my worries were over.

When my plane landed in England I was told immediately to call my Grandmother. My dad (parents had been divorced since I was 8 and I was 19 at this time) answered the phone. I thought that was odd. He said to me "I've got horrible news hon." My response to me was "She's gone isn't she?" "Yes." he replied.

Sometimes when they are determined to end their life there isn't anything you can do.

I hope my situation was rare and I am happy to see you are getting your daughter the help she needs.

Please make sure she knows how important she is to you and others.

*hugs to you and your family*

-Christina

[DGTL GRL]

The whole idea of trying to 'understand' suicide is a catch-22 for me... You can't rationalize irrational acts or thoughts.

But DGTL GRL's thoughts on how to help the victim's loved ones sound spot-on to me. Those people are much easier to empathize with. Their grief IS rational and understandable. The way a person dies doesn't change the way they lived - and that's what their loved ones will miss.

Agreed and thank you.

[Fazerlady]

Thanks DTGL girl..

I hope that time will change things for the better...

[Chrisoh]

I want to bring up the other side, though it is somewhat selfish and unexpected to most, think of how the person who commits suicide felt.

I would say that most suicide cases the person is not ok one day and then ends it the next. It is a long and slow process to get to that point, and if they are at that point how would another 15-20 years affect that person and those around them?