Dont pee on (or mow near) the electric fence

[max power]

This guy had a bad day.

Lifted from a random home security forum.......

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wireand reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow onfire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, Icould feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those pieces of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas. 'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sum now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to unplug the fencer before I mow

['03VstarSH]

I don't believe it but, damn, that is some creative writing right there.

*golf clap*

[cmh_sprint]

That is no BS. I knew a guy who graduated a year before me die as a result of peeing on a fence he didn't know was electrified.

[oldschoolsdime92]

hmm. they peed on a fence on mythbusters. It was a no go. Thats nuts! literally!! It had me on edge reading all the way. I was hoping for a pic!

[RSVDon]

about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow onfire on the cover.

I laughed so hard I was crying after reading this.

[MidgetTodd]

I live in between a cattle farm and a sheep farm "yea I know you thought I was joking about the sheep before" , a small hobbie goat farm and a corn field so theres several electric fences here . Anyway Kevin kept losing sheep to the coyotes so he got a new fence charger last summer and Im pretty sure its the same one in that story . Not going into details "no I wasnt hopin the fence for some sheep love" but that sumbeich works like a mofo , and he's not lost a lamb since. So I can see that story playing out just about like its written.

[chevysoldier]

"8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)."

Yeah I dont know if I believe it now either since he added stuff like that. Either way hilarious and really well written.

[max power]

I'm not saying its true guys, just hilarious, and plausible.

['03VstarSH]

I live in between a cattle farm and a sheep farm "yea I know you thought I was joking about the sheep before" , a small hobbie goat farm and a corn field so theres several electric fences here . Anyway Kevin kept losing sheep to the coyotes so he got a new fence charger last summer and Im pretty sure its the same one in that story . Not going into details "no I wasnt hopin the fence for some sheep love" but that sumbeich works like a mofo , and he's not lost a lamb since. So I can see that story playing out just about like its written.

Lies!!!!

j/k

[chevysoldier]

I'm not saying its true guys, just hilarious, and plausible.

Most definitley plausible. If it did happen (he just added some creative writing) I feel really bad for the guy.

[jblosser]

True story: 30-ish years ago, at age 12 or 13, pop took me to the only skateboard park in central ohio, down on Coonpath Road just north of Lancaster.

Mid-summer, no trees, 5 or 6 Cokes later, nature calls.

I wander out to the edge of the property, there's a fence.

It's humming, but that doesn't set off any alarms in my brain.

Summers on the grandparent's farm taught me nothing about electric fences - they didn't have any - Mennonite.

Start going, of course gotta try to hit the fence, right?

A <strong> tingling/throbbing sensation is felt in my nether regions.

Not entirely unpleasant, but not super fun, either.

Figured out pretty quickly what was going on and adjusted my aim.

Haven't done it since. I might be dumb, but I'm not stupid.

[chevysoldier]

True story: 30-ish years ago, at age 12 or 13, pop took me to the only skateboard park in central ohio, down on Coonpath Road just north of Lancaster.

Mid-summer, no trees, 5 or 6 Cokes later, nature calls.

I wander out to the edge of the property, there's a fence.

It's humming, but that doesn't set off any alarms in my brain.

Summers on the grandparent's farm taught me nothing about electric fences - they didn't have any - Mennonite.

Start going, of course gotta try to hit the fence, right?

A <strong> tingling/throbbing sensation is felt in my nether regions.

Not entirely unpleasant, but not super fun, either.

Figured out pretty quickly what was going on and adjusted my aim.

Haven't done it since. I might be dumb, but I'm not stupid.

lol nice. But can you fart and turn on the TV??

[jblosser]

lol nice. But can you fart and turn on the TV??

not without the remote...!

I'm a man of few talents and even fewer actual abilities...

Pretty good at the butt noise/barking spiders/jean heaters/arse musica, however.

[kawi kid]

I laughed so hard I was crying after reading this.

same here i have tears in my eyes!!!!

[max power]

True story: 30-ish years ago, at age 12 or 13, pop took me to the only skateboard park in central ohio, down on Coonpath Road just north of Lancaster.

Where was there a skateboard park on Coonpath?

[Cdubyah]

Nice read for the morning. Good one!

[yotaman88210]

great read, but I has no tears. Just a smirk on my face.

[redkow97]

True story: 30-ish years ago, at age 12 or 13, pop took me to the only skateboard park in central ohio, down on Coonpath Road just north of Lancaster.

Mid-summer, no trees, 5 or 6 Cokes later, nature calls.

I wander out to the edge of the property, there's a fence.

It's humming, but that doesn't set off any alarms in my brain.

Summers on the grandparent's farm taught me nothing about electric fences - they didn't have any - Mennonite.

Start going, of course gotta try to hit the fence, right?

A <strong> tingling/throbbing sensation is felt in my nether regions.

Not entirely unpleasant, but not super fun, either.

Figured out pretty quickly what was going on and adjusted my aim.

Haven't done it since. I might be dumb, but I'm not stupid.

at close enough range, I believe it.

the problem the Myth Busters had was that they couldn't get a contiguous flow of urine from the dummy to the rail. Air breaks up the liquid while it's in-flight.

close range eliminates (or is it creates?) that problem.

[jblosser]

Where was there a skateboard park on Coonpath?

Heading south on 33, turn west on Coonpath. Don't recall how far it was - maybe a 1/2 mile or so, and was on the left (south) side of the road. Pretty basic park - nothing like Apple in Columbus (9/79 - 5/81, r.i.p.).

at close enough range, I believe it.

the problem the Myth Busters had was that they couldn't get a contiguous flow of urine from the dummy to the rail. Air breaks up the liquid while it's in-flight.

close range eliminates (or is it creates?) that problem.

It happened, I promise:D. I was standing, I don't know, maybe 2 feet from the fence. I had A LOT of Coca-Cola that wanted out. No problems with "the stream" breaking up. It was one of those "2 or 3 minute pees", broken up 10 seconds into it (when my aim hit it's mark) by a stream (pun intended) of electricity coming back at me and entering a portion of my anatomy that shouldn't have had electricty entering it.

[max power]

Heading south on 33, turn west on Coonpath. Don't recall how far it was - maybe a 1/2 mile or so, and was on the left (south) side of the road. Pretty basic park - nothing like Apple in Columbus (9/79 - 5/81, r.i.p.).

Thats right about where Joe Carson is now. Was it at the campground?

[jblosser]

Thats right about where Joe Carson is now. Was it at the campground?

Coulda been, but I don't remember any campground. It was a while ago (31, 32 years ago?), and my early-onset Alzheimer's doesn't help matters any.

<IF> I ever get back down that way I'll turn onto Coonpath and see if anything looks familiar.

[max power]

Cool. Just curious. I dont remember one down there, but 31 years ago I was 8 and not all that cognizant of my surroundings.