Cypress

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot As a Christmas gift.. The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the Gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started..... I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said. So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?' And that's when the fight started.... My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were In bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.' So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.' And that's when the fight started.... I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer Would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started...... I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.' He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's when the fight started..... My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping The channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And then the fight started... My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming Anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.' I bought her a scale. And then the fight started... My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as He sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her , 'Do you know him?' 'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend... I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' I said, 'who would think a Person could go on celebrating that long?' And then the fight started... I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were Alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know How sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem Funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And then the fight started...

One day a Scotsman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Scotsman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?' 'Ten years,' replied the amazed Scotsman. With that, she reached over and un-zipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Halo' said the Scotsman, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!' 'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scottish whiskey' asked the blonde. Trembling, the cast-away replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve un-zips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the Gods!' stated the Scotsman. 'Tis truly fantastic...!!!' At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly un-zip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?' With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and sobbed... 'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip. When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses. All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute. To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

I'll text you later about it. I'll probably snag Hallam's too while I'm at it.

If her b/f was still on here, then I don't see any reason for her not to be here...but he's not. They both got hurt feelings an ran away. There are a lot of "backpacks" on here and nobody seems to care. The more the merrier, I guess. Whatever.

No. He is representing himself.

I need 4 all together.

Please don't shoot me over these jokes. It's not like I made them up. How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. ------------------------------------------------------- Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. ------------------------------------------------------- Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. ------------------------------------------------------- How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent? When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....' ------------------------------------------------------- How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. ------------------------------------------------------- If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. ------------------------------------------------------- Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake. --------------------------------------------------- Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to. ---------------------------------------------------- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head, a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Lady loves Tofu so much she wants it on her License Plate, so she goes to the DMV to pay the fee to get it, however they refuse it. ILVTOFU (True story) http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/04/08/Colo-rejects-ILVTOFU-license-plate/UPI-46031239221493/

Did I just read that right? No fur?

I like Flo, but I think it's time for Progressive to move on to a different advertising icon.

Gump wears thongs

QFT. Unless she is trying to get another one soon. Are you?

It's been awhile. Maybe you should start another intro thread.

I think she has that gigantism disease like any of the other people that have it, but in this case it effected a hot chick instead of the less-than-average type of person. Some of those pics aren't her best but that last one is pretty sexy. Hell, you'd never know she was even tall if it wasn't for that other :wackit:gorgious chick next to her.