Post your joke here.....

[redbarron77]

Haven't seen a thread just for jokes, and since that is mostly what I do here.....instead of working at my job......

So, Post 'em if you got 'em!

[redbarron77]

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?"

He says, "Okay, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He says, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

[redbarron77]

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (I worked with a guy who has accomplished this feat....many times over!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.) (I'm still not over the pig. )

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the..?!)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people. ( If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. ( I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains (I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed. (If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig??)

[gixxie750]

I want to be a pig now too lol

[sonavabeech]

A man goes into a bar and sits down.

The bartender asks " can I get you something to drink"

The man answers "set up 10 shots of Jack Daniels"

The bartender replies " are you celebrating something special or is there a problem"?

"My oldest son just told me he was Gay" comes the reply.

2 weeks later the same man enters the bar again and demands:

"set up 20 shots, my youngest son just announced that He is Gay"

the bartender complies.

2 weeks later the same man enters the bar and states:

"hell with the shots...just set the bottle on the bar"

the Bartender says: "damn man! doesn't anybody at your house like pussy?" the man replies: "My Wife"

[zerocrash]

[redbarron77]

A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman. As you would expect, the lawyer is an arrogant man who thinks he is smarter than the cop because of his education. he decides to prove this to himself, and have some fun at the cop's expense.

Cop says "Licence, Please"

Lawyer says "What for?"

Cop. "You didn't come to a complete stop at that stop sign"

Lawyer " I slowed down and no one was coming"

Cop. "You still have to come to a complete stop. Licence, Please."

Lawyer. " What's the difference?"

Cop ' The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. That's the law. Licence Please."

Lawyer " If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop. I'll give you my licence and you can give me the fine. If not, let me go, with no fine"

Cop. " Okay, get out of the vehicel, sir." At this point the cop takes out his baton, and starts beating the living daylights out of the Lawyer and says " Do you want me to stop, or just slow down.?"

[redbarron77]

A father asked his ten-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"

Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed,"When I was six, I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At seven, I got the 'there's no Easter Bunny' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'there's no Tooth Fairy' speech.

If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for!"

[redbarron77]

Think Long and Hard!

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks a bold question.

Wife: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"

Husband: "Definitely not!"

Wife: "Why not - don't you like being married?"

Husband: "Of course I do."

Wife: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"

Husband: "Okay, I'd get married again."

Wife: "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).

Husband: (makes audible groan).

Wife: "Would you live in our house?"

Husband: "Sure, it's a great house."

Wife: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"

Husband: "Where else would we sleep?"

Wife: "Would you let her drive my car?"

Husband: "Probably, it is almost new."

Wife: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"

Husband: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."

Wife: "Would she use my golf clubs?"

Husband: "No, she's left-handed."

Wife: -- silence --

Husband: "Sh-t."

[redbarron77]

A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.

"What's going on 'ere then?" says a passing policeman.

"They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk.

"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.

"On the end of this key!" wails the drunk.

The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?"

"Holy shit!" screams the drunk; "They got me girlfriend too!"

[JonS]

There is only one lawyer joke, the rest are all true

[redbarron77]

A young missionary had just taken up a new post in a remote Maori village. The young man was the first white man to set foot in the area in quite some time.

Upon entering the village he was quite distressed at the liberal attitude towards sexual practices and began to preach chastity to his new flock with a vengence.

10 months later the daughter of the chief gives birth to a white baby. As the missionary is the only white man around the chief furiously confronts him.

"You preach chastity to me and all the time you are doing the devils work with my daughter. I'm going to kill you, you hypocrite."

"No it wasn't me" stammered the missionary "It's just a freak of nature."

"Oh sure! A black woman gives birth to a white baby and you're the only white man for miles and you call it a freak of nature. Now I'm going to kill you slowly."

"No, it's true" responded the missionary. "It's called an albino. These sort of strange things happen all the time. See those sheep on the hill. Look, all the lambs are white except for one black one."

With that the chief looks around and in a conspiritorial tone replies, "Look, I'll do you a deal. I'll forget about the baby if you forget about the sheep. OK?"

[redbarron77]

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on… If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’s on First?†might have turned out something like this:

Costello calls to buy a computer from Abbott

Abbott: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you?

Costello: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: No, the name’s Lou.

Abbott: Your computer?

Costello: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

Abbott: Mac?

Costello: I told you, my name’s Lou.

Abbott: What about Windows?

Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?

Costello: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

Abbott: Wallpaper.

Costello: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

Abbott: Software for Windows?

Costello: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals and track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

Abbott: I just did.

Costello: You just did what?

Abbott: Recommend something.

Costello: You recommended something?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: For my office?

Abbott: Yes.

Costello: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

Abbott: Office.

Costello: Yes, for my office!

Abbott: I recommend Office with Windows.

Costello: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

Abbott: Word.

Costello: What word?

Abbott: Word in Office.

Costello: The only word in office is office.

Abbott: The Word in Office for Windows.

Costello: Which word in office for windows?

Abbott: The Word you get when you click the blue “Wâ€.

Costello: I’m going to click your blue “w†if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: That’s right. What do you have?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: I need money to track my money?

Abbott: It comes bundled with your computer.

Costello: What’s bundled with my computer?

Abbott: Money.

Costello: Money comes with my computer?

Abbott: Yes. No extra charge.

Costello: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

Abbott: One copy.

Costello: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?

Abbott: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

Costello: They gave you a license to copy money?

Abbott: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

(A few days later)

Abbott: Super Duper Computer store. Can I help you?

Costello: How do I turn my computer off?

Abbott: Click on “Startâ€........

[redbarron77]

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the boysâ€. I told

my wife that I would be home by midnight … promise!

Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At

around 2:30 am, drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in

the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3

times. Quickly, I realised she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed

another 9 times. I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty

solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict.

The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told

her twelve o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew!

Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her

why, she said “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then

said “Oh fuck!†cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed

another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

[redbarron77]

A couple had two little mischievous boys, ages 8 and 10. They were always getting into trouble, and their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their town, their sons would get the blame.

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed and asked to see them individually.

So, the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon.

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there with his mouth hanging open.

The clergyman repeated the question. "Where is God?"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.

So, the clergyman raised his voice some more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God!?"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room. He ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied: "We are in real BIG trouble this time! God is missing, and they think we did it!"

[redbarron77]

A fireman is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side.

She is wearing a fireman's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The fireman says "Hey little girl. What are you doing?" The little girl says "I'm pretending to be a fireman and this is my fire truck!"

The fireman walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl that sure is a nice fire truck!" the fireman says. "Thanks mister", says the little girl. The fireman looks a little closer and notices the little girl has tied the dog to the wagon by it's testicles.

"Little girl", says the fireman, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck I think you could go faster."

The little girl says, "You're probably right mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren!"

[redbarron77]

A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateralagainst a $5000 loan.

An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Three weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $18.41.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very well, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why you would bother to borrow $5,000?"

The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for three weeks for only $18.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

[max power]

Man Red, you are full of 'em. Good stuff.

[zerocrash]

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,

"Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!He went home and told his wife, Mary,

"I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

[zerocrash]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house" "Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob,

do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?""Yes, I do." said Bob"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Well, um, yes, "Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did.""And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy; I'm afraid I did." Why do you ask?""She just died and left me everything."

[zerocrash]

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

'Johnny, do you have a story to share?'

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilotIn Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy

Territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and aSurvival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't

Break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemyTroops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets,Killed four m ore with the knife, till the blade broke, and then sheKilled the last Iraqi with her bare hands.'

'Good Heavens' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?'

'Stay the f**k away from Aunt Carol when she's drinking.'

[SchmuckGirl]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, ' No, I'm your son's teacher.'

[redbarron77]

The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss into allowing alcohol.

1. It's an incentive to show up.

2. It reduces stress.

3. It leads to more honest communications.

4. It reduces complaints about low pay.

5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover.

6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear.

7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter.

8. It encourages carpooling.

9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care.

10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.

11. It makes fellow employees look better.

12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.

13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.

14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.

15. If something does something stupid on the job, it will be quickly forgotten.

[DangBruhY]

All are funny as hell.

[redbarron77]

One night, after Boudreaux and Marie had retired for the night, Marie

became aware that her husband Boudreaux was touching her in a most

unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and

the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them

very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side,

sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a

point below her waist.

'Mais yea.' moaned Marie.

Boudreaux continued on, gently feeling Marie's hips, first one side and

the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His

gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and

the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time Marie was becoming more aroused and she squirmed a little

to better position herself.

Boudreaux stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

'Why you stoppin' cher?' Marie whispered.

Boudreaux whispered back, 'I foun' da remote.'