Jokes.................

[redbarron77]

Two Humpback whales were bored and at a loss for what to do to entertain themselves.

In due order they spotted a Navy patrol boat plying the waters off the coast.

"I hate those noisy boats full of humans!" said one to the other, "Lets swim up close to the boat and rise to the surface so that our humps break the water..It will really scare them!"

So that's what they did..

Then the first whale said, " Okay now lets go up really close and spray water out of our blowholes, that will scare them even more"

So thats what they did..

"Okay" said the first whale, " I've had enough of toying with these humans! Lets tip their boat over and eat everyone that falls into the water!"

"Hang on, " replied the second whale, " I will hump, and I will blow, but I will NOT swallow seamen!"

[redbarron77]

On Valentine's Day a shy but drunk young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar and said "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"Yes, I do," she replied, "but go ahead since I'm sure you're going to ask anyway."

"Okay," he said. "How many men have you slept with?"

"That's my business!" she snapped.

"Oh cool!" he said. "How much?"

[redbarron77]

Two best friends were golfing, and were stuck behind a couple of women who were socializing more than playing.

"Why don't you go up there and ask if we can play through?" asked the one.

"Sure" said the second, and took off to where the ladies were teeing off.

A couple minutes and he was back

"Well?" his friend asked" Are they going to let us play through?"

"I didn't ask" said the friend, " As I got closer I realized it was my wife, and worse yet, she was golfing with my mistress!"

"Wow" said the first guy, "Your wife is golfing with your mistress what are the chances? Don't worry, I'll go ask." and off he goes to talk to the women.

A couple minutes and he also returned.

"Well, what happened?" asked his friend.

His friend replied: "Small world isn't it?"

[redbarron77]

A couple is in therapy. The woman is complaining that the husband never talks to her, never gives her attention, and has seemed very distant. The therapist comes up with a solution. He gives the woman a long, passionate kiss and tells the man that this must be done once a day. The man says "Okay. I'll drop her off Monday through Saturday, but you have to pick her up on Sunday. That's when I fish."

[redbarron77]

I was reading on the Interwebs that in order to improve your relationship you should treat your spouse at least as well as you treat your family pet. So yesterday I get home from work, go up the stairs and throw my lunch pail in the sink and go over to where's she's reading a book. I pat her on the head, tell her she's a good girl, and throw her a milk bone.

Well ... she didn't like THAT shit at ALL!

[kitani2126]

A Husband and Wife were watching a boxing match in which one of the boxers was knocked in the first round...

the Husband says to his wife "that was very boring, it was all over in 1 minute."

The wife replies...."Now you know how I feel."

[jblosser]

Top 10 Quagmire quotes:

10. Quagmire: Giggity, giggity, giggity, giggity!

9. Glen Quagmire: Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah, it's caught in the window this time.

8. Peter: Hey hey I got an idea. Lets play "I Never." You got to drink if you did the thing that the person says they never did.

Cleveland: Oh I got one, I never slept with a women with the lights on.

(They all drink.)

Joe: I'll go next, uh I never had sex with Cleveland's wife.

(Quagmire and Cleveland drink.)

Peter: alright lets see uh, I never did a chick in a Logan airport bathroom.

(Only Quagmire drinks.)

****About 33 drinks later****

Peter: God lets see what else is there um...I never gave a reach-around to a spider monkey while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

Quagmire: Oh God.

(Quagmire takes a drink.)

Joe: I uh I never picked up an illegal alien at Home Depot to take home a choke me while I touch myself.

Quagmire: Oh come on!

(Quagmire drinks again.)

Peter: I never did the same thing except with someone from Joann Fabrics.

Quagmire: Oh God this is ridiculous. You guys suck! (Drinks more and passes out.)

7. Quagmire: Fat chicks need love too...they just have to PAY!

6. Brooke: Quagmire, will you accept this rose?

Quagmire: Really? After I drugged you and had sex with your unconscious body?

Brooke: What?

Quagmire: Yes.

5. Quagmire: "Hey there little lady. Why don't you turn around and show me your Lower East Side."

Woman (man voice) : "Sure."

Quagmire: "Whoa, transvestite, back off! Wait a minute...pre-op or post-op?"

Woman: "Pre-op."

Quagmire: "Whoa, transvestite, back off!"

4. (Peter, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are using a radar to listen to what people are saying and they happen to pick up of what Quagmire is thinking to himself.)

Quagmire: God this itches! I wonder who I got it from. Probably that skank that I gave a ride to the gas station. Last time I do someone a favor. Oh God! They heard me! Oh god! I heard me! LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!"

3. Auctioneer: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.

Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

Auctioneer: She had nine STDs.

Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.

Auctioneer: And when we caught her she wet herself.

Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

2. Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?

Connie: 16.

Quagmire: 18? You're first.

Connie: Mom!

Quagmire: I like where this is goin'! Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy!

1. [Quagmire sees a cheerleader tied up in a bathroom stall]

Quagmire: Dear diary: Jackpot.

[redbarron77]

WOMEN'S ADS:

40-ish - 49

Adventurous - Slept with everyone

Athletic - No tits

Average looking - Ugly

Beautiful - Pathological liar

Contagious Smile - Does a lot of pills

Emotionally secure - On medication

Feminist - Fat

Free spirit - Junkie

Friendship first - Former very *friendly* person

Fun - Annoying

New Age - Body hair in the wrong places

Open-minded - Desperate

Outgoing - Loud and Embarrassing

Passionate - Sloppy drunk

Professional - Bitch

Average - Fat

Voluptuous - Very Fat

Large frame - Hugely Fat

Wants Soul mate - Stalker

MEN'S ADS:

40-ish - 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic - Watches a lot of NASCAR

Average looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose & back

Educated - Will patronize the hell out of you

Free Spirit - Will take your sister

Friendship first - As long as friendship involves nookie

Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking - Arrogant

Very good looking - Dumb as a board

Honest - Pathological Liar

Huggable - Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Likes to cuddle - Insecure mama's boy

Mature - Older than your father

Open-minded - Wants to sleep with your roommate but she's not interested

Physically fit - Does a lot of 12-ounce curls

Sensitive - Cries at chick flicks

Very sensitive - Gay

Spiritual - Got laid in a cemetery once

Stable - Arrested for stalking, but not convicted

[redbarron77]

A tough looking group of bikers were riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"

"I'm going to commit a suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does and it was a long, deep lingering kiss.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had. That's a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous! Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl......"

[redbarron77]

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you."

He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar."

The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

[alab32]

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or

even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the

blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been

re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the

British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when

threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get

the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they

have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300

years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror

alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are

"Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire

that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the

country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to

"Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective

Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"

to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher

levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat

they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.

These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy

can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to

"She'll be alright, Mate." Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!",

"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend", and "The barbie is

cancelled." The latter has never been used.

[redbarron77]

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn't really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients, ... so it's not like you're the first ...

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, but then again ... they probably weren't veterinarians ...

[redbarron77]

A new CEO takes over at a struggling company and decides to get rid of all the slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. He can't believe this guy would just stand around on the job.

The new CEO walks up to the guy leaning against the wall and asks, "What are you doing here?"

"I'm just waiting to get paid," responds the man.

Furious, the CEO asks "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young fellow replies, "I make about $300 a week. Why?"

The CEO quickly gets out his checkbook, hands the guy a check made out to cash for $1,200 and says, "Here's four weeks' pay, now get out and don't come back."

The man puts the check in his pocket and promptly walks out.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what just happened here?"

From across the room comes a voice, "Yeah, you just tipped the pizza delivery guy $1,200."

[redbarron77]

Abraham was a poor tailor whose shop was next door to a very upscale restaurant. Every day at lunch time, Abraham would go out the back of his shop and eat his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen.

One day, Abraham was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for 'enjoyment of food'. So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them.

The manager said, "You're enjoying our food, so you should pay us for it."

Abraham refused to pay and the restaurant sued him.

At the hearing, the judge asked the restaurant to present their side of the case.

The manager said, "Every day, this man comes and sits outside our kitchen and smells our food while eating his. It is clear that we are providing added value to his poor food and we deserve to be compensated for it."

The judge turns to Abraham and said, "What do you have to say to that?"

Abraham didn't say anything but stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside.

The judge asked him, "What is the meaning of that?"

Abraham replied, "I'm paying for the smell of his food with the sound of my money."

[jblosser]

q: why did Sara fall off the swing?

a: she had no arms.

knock knock.

who's there?

not Sara.

[redbarron77]

No one in this town could catch any fish except this one man. The game warden asked him how he did it so the man told the game warden that he would take him fishing the next day ...Once they got to the middle of the lake the man took out a stick of dynamite, lit it, and threw it in the water. After the explosion fish started floating to the top of the water. The man took out a net and started picking up the fish.The game warden told him that this was illegal.The man took out another stick of dynamite and lit it. He then handed it to the game warden and said "Are you going to fish or talk?"

[redbarron77]

The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear.

"Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety three."

"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world."

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said:

"It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."

[redbarron77]

Do you know why it is so hard to investigate Redneck Murders?

Because the DNA is all the same, and there are no dental records!

[redbarron77]

4 people in the carriage of a train - an Englishman, a pretty young blonde girl, an ugly old woman and a Frenchman.

It all goes dark when the train goes through a tunnel. In the dark there's the sound of an almighty slap, and when the train emerges from the tunnel the Frenchman is rubbing his face, and there's a huge red mark on his cheek.

The old lady thinks: "I bet that Frenchman fondled the blonde in the dark and she slapped him."

The pretty young blonde thinks: "I bet the Frenchman tried to fondle me in the dark, got the old lady by mistake, and she hit him."

The Frenchman thinks: "I bet that Englishman fondled the blonde in the dark, but the blonde thought it was me and hit me."

The Englishman thinks: "I hope there's another tunnel coming up soon so I can slap that French twat again."

[redbarron77]

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put "Happy Thanksgiving" under the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking really good. The woman then instructs him to put a Santa tattoo with "Merry Christmas" up on her left thigh.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking good, too. As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist asks, "If you don't mind, could you tell me why you had me put such unusual tattoos on your thighs?"

She says "I'm sick and tired of my husband complaining all the time that there's nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

[redbarron77]

An 85-year old man is having his annual checkup. The Doctor asks him how he is feeling.

"I've got an eighteen-year old bride who's pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The Doctor considers this for a moment, and then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know of a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season.

But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezed the handle. BAM !

The beaver drops dead in front of him.

"That's impossible!", says the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

The Doctor says, "My point exactly."

[redbarron77]

It was little Johnny's first day in a new school, so his father looked up the teacher. He told her that little Johnny was a good kid but that he was an avid gambler. He warned her that little Johnny might win lunch money from the other kids if he was not watched closely.

The teacher did not seem disturbed, assured the father that she had handled many such problems and was very capable of taking care of little Johnny's urge to gamble.

Shortly after lunch, the father called the teacher and asked her how things were going.

"Oh, everything is going very well." She said. "I think I may have cured little Johnny of his gambling habit."

The father asked her what had happened.

"The little tyke absolutely insisted on betting me ten dollars that I had a mole on my rear." She said. "I finally agreed to the bet and took him to the teacher's lounge to show him that I had no mole."

"Damn!" The father said. "He bet me fifty dollars this morning that he would see the teacher's ass before the day was over."

[redbarron77]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.

They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[gen3flygirl]

What is the difference between Michael phelps and Hitler?

Atlest phelps can finish a race

[MidgetTodd]

ouch