Divorce with children

[BloodRed]

We also used him as an adoption lawyer (at your refrence as a matter of fact, thank you). He was very good for us and made the process as easy as possible.

 

That is great to hear. Andy is a great guy and glad I could point you in his direction.

[KillJoy]

until death do you part

 

:ninja:

 

KillJoy

[2 Sweet]

:ninja:

 

KillJoy

 

[RC K9]

This. You gave a vow to stand by her "for better or worse, until death do you part". I don't understand why people see marriages as disposable these days. Work it out.

 

Good luck to you dude.

 

Bingo. Unless their vows were to be married until it gets hard. Then i guess they'd be honoring their vows.

[Bigbird]

Don't know your situation, but since having a son I can't imagine not coming home to him every day. I'm sorry that you're going through this, no matter what is going on. If you can work it out, I'd say do so. But I certainly can't pass any judgments there.

[xlr8tn]

This. You gave a vow to stand by her "for better or worse, until death do you part". I don't understand why people see marriages as disposable these days. Work it out.

 

Good luck to you dude.

 

Your answer lies somewhere in this post

[Buck531]

and no one has brought up marriage counseling? I know divorce is the easy thing to do these days but I guess if all else fails, then split.

 

If she's crazy, why did you have kids with her?

[Lauren]

We have done marriage counseling. It got us no where

[DKilbourne]

Going through the same thing right now. Tried to work it out, but it seems that she has had enough. Definitely sucks and it wasn't my choice. Sorry to hear about it.

[zeitgeist57]

Just wanna share my sympathies for all the CR dads that are going through or have gone through divorce. Just seems like a harsh, harsh way to end things, especially when children are involved.

 

I just don't understand - even from movies and TV - where people can say how much they love their children but then decide that seperate parents are the best thing. If my kids get through college knowing their parents' love and support, then I've done a good job.

 

Sorry for a bit of soapbox there. I do wish the best for OP and everyone else going through this.

[mrs.cos]

I had to deal with this growing up and I wouldn't recommend it for your kids' sake. The daily arguments, the hate between the two and the inevitable affair made my teenage years fucking awful. If you can fix it with counseling or something, try everything you can. If not, get out and make sure your kids know you love them everyday.

 

 

 

I would encourage marriage counseling and individual counseling if you guys are even remotely trying to figure out if you can work it out. There are so many studies out there that sshow that a united family is ultimately better for your kids but only if everyone is willing to work on the marriage and themselves.

 

 

How old are your kids, how long have you been married?

 

 

 

*edit

 

Did you guys do individual counseling as well as marriage counseling and for how long because it's not going to be fixed in six months of counseling it's going to take probably years to fix things properly

 

And it's an ongoing struggle that will be something you probably have to work at forever.

The real question is do you want to save your marriage and your family.

 

As a sidebar my mom walked out on our family-my dad got custody of us. If you want custody you better stick it out as long as you can and be the better man, make her be the one to leave, her be the one move out and under no circumstance let her take the kids with her.

 

Kill her with kindness.

Don't engage her in arguments.

[coleyounger3]

To the op do what ever you can to work things out in your marriage.if it can't or won't work and you do get divorced.you will not see your kids everyday you will miss a big part of there life. And your ex will someday meet someone else and they will be around your kids.im not saying stay and be unhappy for the rest of your life. Life is about choices it's your life and you have to live it

[coltboostin]

Cordell &Cordell it still sucks being a part time dad.you are goi g to get raped in court. My advice is hang in there until you can

Hide your assets,cars,money been there done that.i pay $944 month child support

 

Hope she does not have a CR account. :no:

 

 

Good luck sir. Sucks to hear, and it must be bad indeed if you are posting about it here

[greg1647545532]

Kill her with kindness.

 

Pretty much this. When my wife is a dick to me and I get upset and act dickish back, then she gets even more dickish. It's a bad cycle. Likewise, when my wife is a dick to me and I do something nice for her in retaliation, she instantly feels bad and does something nice for me back.

 

Love is a choice you have to make every day. Being nice to someone who's a dick and/or annoys you is the hardest thing to do, but you choose to do it and it works. When people say that marriage takes effort, this is what they mean, strive be the better person at every turn and you'll build each other up instead of tearing each other down.

 

I'm not saying every marriage can work, I've seen marriages fail that have no hope of rescue, but I've also seen plenty marriages fail because people choose to stop loving each other. Just make sure that's not the case.

[zeitgeist57]

Pretty much this. When my wife is a dick to me and I get upset and act dickish back, then she gets even more dickish. It's a bad cycle. Likewise, when my wife is a dick to me and I do something nice for her in retaliation, she instantly feels bad and does something nice for me back.

 

Love is a choice you have to make every day. Being nice to someone who's a dick and/or annoys you is the hardest thing to do, but you choose to do it and it works. When people say that marriage takes effort, this is what they mean, strive be the better person at every turn and you'll build each other up instead of tearing each other down.

 

I'm not saying every marriage can work, I've seen marriages fail that have no hope of rescue, but I've also seen plenty marriages fail because people choose to stop loving each other. Just make sure that's not the case.

 

That's very well said, and I would agree 100%.

 

However, if you call your wife a "cunt" on an internet message board, I question the ability for that part of the marriage equation's desire to work it out. I also like how he threw srs shit to start this thread, and has been very quiet since.

 

Brothers and sisters need to work it out. #realtalk

[Lauren]

I've been reading all the replies and taking everything In. I'm also away on business so I'm pretty tied up. This is not a subject to take lightly. I made this thread to see how others have made it through this path if it is indeed the path I choose to take.

[El Karacho1647545492]

I do consulting/account management for a managed services provider that works with a ton of attorneys locally and across the eastern U.S. Best divorce attorney I know of is Doug Dougherty. He's a super nice, easygoing guy that you'll probably want to be friends with. I never knew this before I started working with him, but he actually represented the mother of a friend of mine who was involved in a very ugly divorce. He was her appeal attorney when the first judge literally cut her off mid-testimony, it's apparently a famous case in Ohio matrimonial law.

 

http://www.divorceanddissolution.com/Attorney-Profiles/Douglas-B-Dougherty.shtml

 

I'm happy to provide other references as well, but you won't find many better than him.

[Otis Nice]

Read this. Rather you (or anyone else reading this) are a believer or not (if not, save your ego and comments and don't muddy up the thread, lol), the message is still solid IMHO.

 

Sorry for ya man, and I truly wish you the best.

[Forrest Gump 9]

I'm sorry to hear, it's really not worth it. Take a step back and look at the bigger picture and you'll understand why. You can't really fight fire with fire. It's truely a compromising game. And it's 80% her and 20% you.

 

So, if you're really go thru with this, will she continue to let you be a 'bama fan still?

[PsychoticGaming]

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1433679590/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1496551380&sr=8-1&pi=SL75_QL70&keywords=love+dare

 

It isn't easy, you'll mess up, but it does help or it did for me..... Even just strengthening a marriage. Fast forward 2 years later and nothings ever perfect but still together and way better as well as stronger as a couple. We lost sight of who we were and what it was really about.

Edited June 4, 2017 by PsychoticGaming

[RC K9]

Read this. Rather you (or anyone else reading this) are a believer or not (if not, save your ego and comments and don't muddy up the thread, lol), the message is still solid IMHO.

 

Sorry for ya man, and I truly wish you the best.

 

Good read. Not that my wife and I have been married an eternity, we are only coming up on our 8th anniversary. I will say though, we have seen several marriages between our peers not last anywhere near that long, and there a 2 big things I notice in those failed marriages:

 

1.) Accountability. Both of us, unlike a majority of the population these days, believes we are accountable to God for our decisions, and will be called to account for those in the end. As such, we take marriage VERY seriously. We made vows to each other, and we are to keep those vows. If we don't have our word, we have nothing. In the marriages we have seen fail, people didn't truly consider themselves accountable to anyone but themselves. They served themselves. When their spouse no longer made THEM happy, it was time to call it quits, because in the end, in their minds, they only answered to themselves. When you serve yourself, a long term, meaningful relationship can never flourish.

 

2.) This kind of ties into what I stated above. In our opinion, love is a choice. It's a choice to not be confused with infatuation. You always hear people say, "we don't love each other anymore" or "we aren't in love anymore." Love is a choice. It's a choice you make every day. It can be beautiful, shiny, and easy, but it can also be dirty, gritty, and difficult. But that's kind of the point IMO.

 

I'm not saying our marriage is always rainbows and unicorns, but at the end of the day, we are going to be held accountable for our decisions, and we choose to show love, grace, and compassion to one another.

 

On a side note, a lot of marriages we have seen end, especially the older marriages are because the spouses made the mistake of putting their children before the marriage. Most people we have asked, "what's more important, your spouse or your children." Their answer is almost always, The kids." WRONG answer. You spent 18yrs putting the kids on a pedestal, running them to karate, ballet, basketball, baseball, school activities, etc, and never spent half of the same amount of time on just you. At the end of all that, the spouses hardly know each other anymore. They invested everything into their kid's "happiness", neglecting the marriage. We love our kids to death, but will NEVER allow them to come between us. IF you ask mom for something and she says, "no", you'd better not ask dad in hopes of a different answer because i'm going to back my wife up whether I would have made the same decision or not had I been the first one asked. It works the other way around. If you ask me, and I say, "no", if you ask mom after that, you better be ready for the consequences. Dates away from kids are important. Just last night Amanda and I dumped the kids on my sister and went to dinner and wine tasting and got just just enjoy each other's company. Really talk. Let no man, (or child for that matter), separate what God has joined together.

 

Again, all of this is based on our convictions, and the individuals who's marriages we have seen come and go had no such convictions, so i'd say we might be on to something.

 

Ramble over.

[gillbot]

On a side note, a lot of marriages we have seen end, especially the older marriages are because the spouses made the mistake of putting their children before the marriage. Most people we have asked, "what's more important, your spouse or your children." Their answer is almost always, The kids." WRONG answer. You spent 18yrs putting the kids on a pedestal, running them to karate, ballet, basketball, baseball, school activities, etc, and never spent half of the same amount of time on just you. At the end of all that, the spouses hardly know each other anymore. They invested everything into their kid's "happiness", neglecting the marriage. We love our kids to death, but will NEVER allow them to come between us. IF you ask mom for something and she says, "no", you'd better not ask dad in hopes of a different answer because i'm going to back my wife up whether I would have made the same decision or not had I been the first one asked. It works the other way around. If you ask me, and I say, "no", if you ask mom after that, you better be ready for the consequences. Dates away from kids are important.

 

I think this is the biggest killer of marriage I have ever seen myself, and it's sad that many fall into that trap. Many think they are doing the best for their kids but in reality they are just sacrificing their marriage.

[Fiji ST]

Good read. Not that my wife and I have been married an eternity, we are only coming up on our 8th anniversary. I will say though, we have seen several marriages between our peers not last anywhere near that long, and there a 2 big things I notice in those failed marriages:

 

1.) Accountability. Both of us, unlike a majority of the population these days, believes we are accountable to God for our decisions, and will be called to account for those in the end. As such, we take marriage VERY seriously. We made vows to each other, and we are to keep those vows. If we don't have our word, we have nothing. In the marriages we have seen fail, people didn't truly consider themselves accountable to anyone but themselves. They served themselves. When their spouse no longer made THEM happy, it was time to call it quits, because in the end, in their minds, they only answered to themselves. When you serve yourself, a long term, meaningful relationship can never flourish.

 

2.) This kind of ties into what I stated above. In our opinion, love is a choice. It's a choice to not be confused with infatuation. You always hear people say, "we don't love each other anymore" or "we aren't in love anymore." Love is a choice. It's a choice you make every day. It can be beautiful, shiny, and easy, but it can also be dirty, gritty, and difficult. But that's kind of the point IMO.

 

I'm not saying our marriage is always rainbows and unicorns, but at the end of the day, we are going to be held accountable for our decisions, and we choose to show love, grace, and compassion to one another.

 

On a side note, a lot of marriages we have seen end, especially the older marriages are because the spouses made the mistake of putting their children before the marriage. Most people we have asked, "what's more important, your spouse or your children." Their answer is almost always, The kids." WRONG answer. You spent 18yrs putting the kids on a pedestal, running them to karate, ballet, basketball, baseball, school activities, etc, and never spent half of the same amount of time on just you. At the end of all that, the spouses hardly know each other anymore. They invested everything into their kid's "happiness", neglecting the marriage. We love our kids to death, but will NEVER allow them to come between us. IF you ask mom for something and she says, "no", you'd better not ask dad in hopes of a different answer because i'm going to back my wife up whether I would have made the same decision or not had I been the first one asked. It works the other way around. If you ask me, and I say, "no", if you ask mom after that, you better be ready for the consequences. Dates away from kids are important. Just last night Amanda and I dumped the kids on my sister and went to dinner and wine tasting and got just just enjoy each other's company. Really talk. Let no man, (or child for that matter), separate what God has joined together.

 

Again, all of this is based on our convictions, and the individuals who's marriages we have seen come and go had no such convictions, so i'd say we might be on to something.

 

Ramble over.

 

I've heard this too about kids. Very well said.

[kirks5oh]

I've been successful at just about everything, except my marriage. Divorce was the hardest choice I've ever made, and the biggest struggle of my life. But I learned what I was capable of. I did everything possible to make it work---multiple rounds of counseling, both individual and with her. Made tons of changes with work, helping her more, etc etc. took her back after cheating (who knows how many times), and finally she said "I'm not leaving my boyfriend, you can do what you want".

 

So I hired the best attorney, and told her to pack her shit. I had to pay for her attorney, and split all assets 50/50. But I didn't have to pay alimony after 10 years of marriage, and most importantly, I have my kids 50%---although I pay a ton of child support even though she had to go back to work--don't ask. Turns out it was the best decision I ever made. I was absolutely miserable and it simply wasn't going to work. People change over time and the kids, although they are absolutely incredible, will make people change as well, and put stress on a relationship. Financially, I fully recovered in 3 years, and am better off even with paying child support. Most importantly, my kids see me happy, and not fighting with my ex. I've got more help with my surgical practice so I can be active in their lives and get to go to all their games, take them to school, etc.

 

It breaks my heart that my kids have to go from house to house, but there was literally nothing more I could do. I have them for a week at a time, and then they switch on mondays after school. Marriage takes two people willing to work, in order to be healthy. If it's an absolute necessity, then file---keep the kids out of it. Don't ever talk badly about your ex to the kids---one of my 9 year olds has already figured my ex out. I will never have to say a word about what happened, not that it matters in the long run. I've buried the hatchet with her boyfriend (she's still with him), as he actually did me a huge favor. At 40, I can now find someone to be happy with, and have. I could go on and on. Some of the shit that happened during my divorce was literally nuts---I can laugh about it now, but at the time it sucked. Kids are resilient. If you raise them in a healthy environment and make things consistent between both households, it will work out. It's not ideal, but kids raised in an environment where the arguing is constant, is just as unhealthy for them---and you.

 

You will likely have to pay child support and alimony. It is what it is. I didn't, because she was living with her boyfriend. I'm in Wisconsin, and it's a no-fault state, which means they don't give a shit if you cheat---doesn't affect child support, etc. but in my case it eliminated alimony. I was lucky to get 50/50, given the fact my kids were young, she was a stay-at-home (obviously not entirely!) mom, and the nature of my job (being on call,etc). You will want your kids to have access to the same lifestyle at her household---which is why I pay so much child support. Don't try to hide assets/etc. a good lawyer will find ALL of that money, roll it up into the shape of a Louisville slugger, and proceed to fuck you in the ass with it in front of the judge. Then he will remind you that you're paying him with money that could go to your kids.

 

In the end, I was able to settle out of court and avoid a costly trial. Like I said, I had to pay for everything to fight both sides of the divorce. EveryThing. It took 9 months. During the divorce, the kids stayed in the house the entire time, and we had separate apartments we used when we weren't with the kids. It was again, costly, but it eliminated any risk of me being kicked out of my own house during the divorce because she was the stay at home mom, and this was the kids environment. It's called a nesting arrangement, and if you can swing it, definitely do it. It will make 50/50 custody much, much easier for you to get, if that's what you want, and it should be. Once I spent 6 months with that set up, and proved I could succeed at 50/50, there was no fighting it from her or her lawyer. When she realized she was getting no alimony, and threatened to go for more custody, 6 months into the divorce, my lawyer told hers to "bring it".

 

Good luck. This was a period where I also got into running and triathlons to burn off the stress. I recommend some form of similar stress relief. It saved me, and I still run almost everyday. I hated running growing up

[RC K9]

I've been successful at just about everything, except my marriage. Divorce was the hardest choice I've ever made, and the biggest struggle of my life. But I learned what I was capable of. I did everything possible to make it work---multiple rounds of counseling, both individual and with her. Made tons of changes with work, helping her more, etc etc. took her back after cheating (who knows how many times), and finally she said "I'm not leaving my boyfriend, you can do what you want".

 

So I hired the best attorney, and told her to pack her shit. I had to pay for her attorney, and split all assets 50/50. But I didn't have to pay alimony after 10 years of marriage, and most importantly, I have my kids 50%---although I pay a ton of child support even though she had to go back to work--don't ask. Turns out it was the best decision I ever made. I was absolutely miserable and it simply wasn't going to work. People change over time and the kids, although they are absolutely incredible, will make people change as well, and put stress on a relationship. Financially, I fully recovered in 3 years, and am better off even with paying child support. Most importantly, my kids see me happy, and not fighting with my ex. I've got more help with my surgical practice so I can be active in their lives and get to go to all their games, take them to school, etc.

 

It breaks my heart that my kids have to go from house to house, but there was literally nothing more I could do. I have them for a week at a time, and then they switch on mondays after school. Marriage takes two people willing to work, in order to be healthy. If it's an absolute necessity, then file---keep the kids out of it. Don't ever talk badly about your ex to the kids---one of my 9 year olds has already figured my ex out. I will never have to say a word about what happened, not that it matters in the long run. I've buried the hatchet with her boyfriend (she's still with him), as he actually did me a huge favor. At 40, I can now find someone to be happy with, and have. I could go on and on. Some of the shit that happened during my divorce was literally nuts---I can laugh about it now, but at the time it sucked. Kids are resilient. If you raise them in a healthy environment and make things consistent between both households, it will work out. It's not ideal, but kids raised in an environment where the arguing is constant, is just as unhealthy for them---and you.

 

You will likely have to pay child support and alimony. It is what it is. I didn't, because she was living with her boyfriend. I'm in Wisconsin, and it's a no-fault state, which means they don't give a shit if you cheat---doesn't affect child support, etc. but in my case it eliminated alimony. I was lucky to get 50/50, given the fact my kids were young, she was a stay-at-home (obviously not entirely!) mom, and the nature of my job (being on call,etc). You will want your kids to have access to the same lifestyle at her household---which is why I pay so much child support. Don't try to hide assets/etc. a good lawyer will find ALL of that money, roll it up into the shape of a Louisville slugger, and proceed to fuck you in the ass with it in front of the judge. Then he will remind you that you're paying him with money that could go to your kids.

 

In the end, I was able to settle out of court and avoid a costly trial. Like I said, I had to pay for everything to fight both sides of the divorce. EveryThing. It took 9 months. During the divorce, the kids stayed in the house the entire time, and we had separate apartments we used when we weren't with the kids. It was again, costly, but it eliminated any risk of me being kicked out of my own house during the divorce because she was the stay at home mom, and this was the kids environment. It's called a nesting arrangement, and if you can swing it, definitely do it. It will make 50/50 custody much, much easier for you to get, if that's what you want, and it should be. Once I spent 6 months with that set up, and proved I could succeed at 50/50, there was no fighting it from her or her lawyer. When she realized she was getting no alimony, and threatened to go for more custody, 6 months into the divorce, my lawyer told hers to "bring it".

 

Good luck. This was a period where I also got into running and triathlons to burn off the stress. I recommend some form of similar stress relief. It saved me, and I still run almost everyday. I hated running growing up

 

Man, that's a sad story

 

Tells you something about the moral standing of our society when a person can break vows, cheat, not be remorseful, and the courts still deem them entitled to something.

 

As for kids "figuring things out", yes, I agree, kids are incredibly perceptive and can pick up on people without adults bad mouthing said people. My nephew is 7 and is putting things together about how horrible his biological mother is.