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Das Borgen Proficient

Das Borgen

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RoadHouse remake (yeah it's long but it's worth it)

 

 

http://flint.craigslist.org/wet/3192431130.html

http://flint.craigslist.org/wet/3210111484.html

http://flint.craigslist.org/wet/3237585586.html

 

Attention all Hollywood head honchos. If you're lookin' for the next big summer smash ($$$) I think I got a real premium script in the works. Name's Karl Welzein, President and CEO of Bad Boy City Entertainment and possible future big business owner. Below, you'll feast your eyes on a taste of the gold, if you catch my drift. It's the first scene of ROADHOUSE: PAIN STILL DON'T HURT, starring Guy Fieri. It's pretty much the film America's been cravin' for. I'd also be willing to co-star in the film to keep costs low, (more $$$ for ya) and plus, when I put my mind to it, man, I get in some primo shape. But to be honest, the babes don't really ever have any complaints about my bod. I haven't rapped at Guy Fieri about the project yet, but pretty sure he's down. Let's set up a private convo, possibly in my neck of the woods, or you could fly me to Hollywood (first class). Maybe we could set up a little celebraish for the big contract signing? Who knows? Don't delay. Let's roll, you guys.

 

 

Roadhouse 2012: Pain Still Don't Hurt

Starring Guy Fieri

Written by Karl Welzein

 

 

OPENING SCENE

 

Night. A bar in the Flint area. (It also serves some of the best eats in the USA. Cheetos on anything for $1. Sammies are all piled high. The works, really. Full spread.) A kickass neon sign says, "Captain Karl's Pizza Ship." Van Halen is on stage rockin' so hard. There's chest beefers from coast to coast. It's pretty much the biggest celebraish anyone's ever seen. Guy Cooler (played by Guy Fieri) is hangin' out behind the bar, peepin' all the babes and makin' sure everyone's safe. The owner, Captain Karl, is doin' a new dance that's sweepin' the nation called "The Peener" with 4-6 consensual babes, ripe with all the toppings. Drippin' with sweat (the wet look) Karl decides to play the hot corner for a cold one, and calls Cooler over for a guy to Guy.

 

CAPTAIN KARL: Man, you sure cleaned things up around these parts, kimosabe. Captain Karl's Pizza Ship used to be riddled with Oriental Mafia crime. Not anymore, now it's a 24/7, 365, celebraish. Open on Sundays (winks).

 

GUY COOLER: Yeah, it's so money. Thanks for lettin' me kick things up in the kitchen on my time off for free.

 

CAPTAIN KARL: My pleasure. The menu is so on point. And such a great value for the large portions.

 

GUY COOLER: Yeah, but I gotta hand it to you, the "Cheetos on anything for an extra $1" idea is really off the chain. Adds such a great texture to any dish.

 

GUY COOLER and CAPTAIN KARL (together): Bold flavors. (They do a badass handshake from the streets. Some babes see it and give a carnal stare.)

 

GUY COOLER: Uh oh. Looks like you thanked me too soon. Look, it's Doug Carlson. He's pretty much the biggest load in town.

 

DOUG CARLSON: Well, well, well. Captain Karl. Looks like you got a real hot spot on your hands. What do ya say I take it off your hands for a cool million?

 

CAPTAIN KARL: Beat it Doug. I don't need your money. Besides, this is "Captain KARL'S Pizza Ship," not "Corncob DOUG'S Sissy Boat."

 

DOUG CARLSON: Watch your mouth, Karl.

 

(Guy Cooler starts to laugh. He knows Doug ain't all man.)

 

DOUG CARLSON: What do you think you're laughin' at?

 

CAPTAIN KARL: Listen buddy, (points at him) that's Guy Cooler. He's probably the #1 badass in the USA right now.

 

DOUG CARLSON: I don't care who he is. Tino, show Mr. Hilarious over here what it's like, one on one.

 

(Some idiot named "Tino" walks out from behind Doug. He's a real piece of trash. Probably couldn't even do 10 'shups. Guy Cooler tries not to fight him 'cause that's his code, but in the end, he has to crush his face in like a thousand times 'cause he had no choice. It's sad, but it happens right when Van Halen is rockin' "Somebody Get Me A Doctor" so it's actually one of the coolest things that's ever happened.)

 

DOUG CARLSON: You just smashed up the toughest guy in my crew! You'll pay for this!

 

(Van Halen is still rockin'. But now it's "Ain't Talkin' 'Bout Love.")

 

CAPTAIN KARL: I'd hit the bricks if I were you. Unless you wanna have a pose down, bad boy style.

 

(Captain Karl rips his shirt off. You can tell he's been workin' out and eatin' right just in case he has to get it on.)

 

DOUG CARLSON (shaking in his shoes): Tino! You pile of garbage! Get off the floor and stop bleedin'. Let's get outta here. Karl, I'll see you again. And Guy Cooler, you better watch your back.

 

GUY COOLER: 'Nah, I think I'll let my main man Captain Karl watch it for me.

 

CAPTAIN KARL: Guy code. (winks)

 

Doug Carlson and Tino limp outta the bar. So weak. Tino's face looks like burger meat. Captain Karl goes back to the dance floor (still no shirt on, rockin' pony is wet and looks really carnal, the lights hit his 'rang just right) and all those babes that were givin' him the carnal stare know it's time to party like never before. He's pretty much the man. Guy Cooler goes back behind the bar and starts throwin' brews to Captain Karl like he's Stone Cold Steve Austin. Everyone goes bonkers. Guy Cooler and Captain Karl know to crank up the celebraish with the heat of a thousand suns, 'cause that load Doug Carlson'll probably be back around again stickin' his nose into crap real soon.

 

-END OF SCENE 1-

 

Hollywood head honchos, if scene 1 of "Roadhouse 2012: Pain Still Don't Hurt" didn't make your peener and veggies tingle, man, scene 2 is gonna make it light on fire. Just a recap, GUY FIERI is starring, so it's a no brainer unless you're some idiot. Everyone from coast to coast'll be lined up for this bad boy instead of that Harry Potter crap or whatever. Teen vampires? They can hit the bricks too. It's old news and you know it. America needs this, in our time of struggle. USA. Let's do this, you guys. ($$$)

 

Roadhouse 2012: Pain Still Don't Hurt

Starring Guy Fieri

Written by Karl Welzein

 

SCENE 2

 

Morning. Guy Cooler's barn apartment. It's like an apartment, but it's above a barn so it's pretty mysterious, yet badass, so he can keep to himself and live by his code of honor. Also, it's on a river. Guy Cooler rents it from some old man who lives in the farmhouse that we never see 'cause who cares. His pad's actually pretty money. There's a big neon Crown Royal sign on the wall and everything. At least 3 babes wake up with their chest beefers out (Rated R) and hit the bricks without sayin' any dumb crap 'cause they know Guy has to do martial arts to stay in primo shape. He starts doin' roundhouse kicks like a maniac on an old heavy bag in the corner, Rocky style. Then, Captain Karl shows up to rap about the night before and get the 411.

 

CAPTAIN KARL: Man, just saw those babes leave. Looks like you went off the chain. Had me some thick and natural adult action myself. Real consensual, like Jamie Lee Curtis when she was still mature, but not like now. (makes the curvy babe hand sign that lets you know her shape was on point)

 

GUY COOLER: After a night like that, a real bad boy needs some steamy carnal passions like never before. (winks)

 

CAPTAIN KARL: Yeah, you really crushed that idiot's face in. (does a couple 'shups)

 

GUY COOLER: I had no choice. (Puts on a pair of shades, silver with orange lenses, probably Oakley's, to show how he's regretful and private, and does another roundhouse kick. It's so powerful that the bag almost explodes and probably would've if he wanted it to.)

 

CAPTAIN KARL: (already wearin' his Maui Jim's 'cause he's really hurtin' from drinkin' about a thousand cold ones) Here, I brought you a sammy. Thought you'd need it. I already polished mine off in the car on the way over. (we cut to a flashback of Captain Karl drivin' over just moments before, rockin' out to Seger's "Hollywood Nights" and eatin' the SAME sammy. Then, he does the "Captain Karl's Carnal Trifecta" which is: #1 Slow down. #2 Honk and #3 Ease down the shades. It really enforces how he's the man at all times, not just after hours.)

 

GUY COOLER: Is it piled high?

 

CAPTAIN KARL: Of course. You practically invented it. Thick cut applewood bacon, fries, zesty jalapeno slaw, super tender roast beef, slow roasted turkey, plenty of mayo, all topped with melted provolone and Cheetos. It's so money. You just gotta check it out.

 

GUY COOLER: Man, I'd eat that off a flip flop. (Guy Cooler takes some big bites. Then takes some more, but even bigger. The audience is probably like, "whoa." It's a real man's sammy. Some of the super tender roast beef falls out but Guy catches it in his hand because of his martial arts reflexes. It shows you why he's the best in the business.)

 

CAPTAIN KARL: I gotta go take a BM. Be right back. (Captain Karl goes in the john. It actually looks pretty cool, not gross 'cause it's just natural and keeps the film based in reality.)

 

After a couple minutes of Guy Cooler and Captain Karl rappin' about last night's babes through the john door, we hear monster trucks outside. Guy Cooler dives out the window on top of one and starts punchin' the windshield in. Captain Karl grunts out a premie and comes outta the john with a chainsaw, but runs down the stairs instead of divin' out the window. . .'cause he's carryin' a chainsaw.

 

GUY COOLER: (yellin' his head off over the monster trucks) Where'd you get that chainsaw?!

 

CAPTAIN KARL: It was in the john!

 

GUY COOLER: Quick, try to saw the other truck's tires open! (It's a great idea)

 

The monster truck drives through the farm house and murders the old man who lives inside. It looks badass so it's a good thing we never got to know him or it'd be sad. Guy Cooler dives off the monster truck where he's tryin' the punch the windshield in, and runs to help, 'cause it's his code to help with safety first, kickin' ass second. But they're too late.

 

GUY COOLER: Noooo! I'm really steamed.

 

The monster trucks peel out and drive through the river otherwise Guy Cooler and Captain Karl woulda probably followed 'em in Guy's Camaro.

 

CAPTAIN KARL: Musta been that idiot Doug Carlson who sent those corncobs. Wish I could get my mitts on him behind the scenes.

 

GUY COOLER: We might need back up on this. (we cut to a picture of an elderly badass on Guy's nightstand upstairs.)

 

CAPTAIN KARL: You mean. . .

 

GUY COOLER: That's right. My father. Barry Cooler. (Played by Barry from Storage Wars)

 

CAPTAIN KARL: Man.

 

Captain Karl and Guy Cooler know the old man didn't have any friends or family, so they decide to send him to the afterlife in the ways of the ancient warriors and light his pile of rubble farmhouse on fire. Kid Rock's "Only God Knows Why" plays in the backround. We see 'em poundin' a dirty 30 of Busch and havin' a blast. It's a celebration of life and not disrespectful. This is the perfect time for an real man to put his arm around a babe that he's watching the movie with.

 

-END OF SCENE 2-

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Das Borgen Proficient

Das Borgen

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Look, Hollywood. This is scene 3 of Roadhouse 2012: Pain Still Don't Hurt, starring Guy Fieri. It's pretty much shapin' up to be the bad boy buddy flick of the century so basically all you need to do is cough up the bread and we're ready to rock in theaters from coast to coast. There's only 2 options for this: HUGE smash hit or GIANT smash hit. And the faster we get movin' on the project, the sooner we can get some marketing goin' like Slurpee Cups, action figures, limited edition tacs from The Bell, tees, all that crap. If you wanna see scenes 1 and 2, I can get 'em to ya ASAP as long as Dave or Crazy Cooter didn't erase the files when they were lookin' up adult films on my computer. Let's do this. For the USA, kids who don't got any good movies to watch, everyone really. I'd jump on this opportunity ASAP, 'cause as soon as the whole script is done, man, the price is gonna go through the roof, you guys.

 

 

Roadhouse 2012: Pain Still Don't Hurt

Starring Guy Fieri

Written by Karl Welzein

 

SCENE 3

 

Afternoon. Some roadside dive or diner where the owners are doin' things, their own way. Captain Karl and Guy Cooler (played by Guy Fieri) are sittin' in a booth, enjoying a hearty plate of 'chos, piled high with pulled pork, 3 kinds of cheese, homemade pinto beans made with peppered bacon, fresh pico de gallo, cool sour cream, and pickled jalapenos for a real kick. The pork is slow smoked in house. It's real tender. But here's the twist, instead of tortilla chips, the 'chos come on top of tater tots, double fried so they stay crispy. The chef, Mark, tops 'em all off with his own homemade chipotle bbq sauce. It's a new spin on an old classic.

 

CHEF MARK: (from the kitchen) How's the BBQ 'Chos, fellas?

 

CAPTAIN KARL: (gives the thumbs up, then a finger gun point combo) This is outta bounds with bold flavors.

 

GUY COOLER: Winner winner, nacho dinner. Nice job. (gives Chef Mark a fist bump)

 

CAPTAIN KARL: (Grabbin' a nice big hunk of that slow smoked pork between his thumb and forefinger. We get a real tight shot of it so you can see how juicy the pork is. Probably 'cause it soaks it for 48 hrs. in a brine with apple cider vinegar, brown sugar, and Chef Mark's secret rub.) So, you think he'll show? (puts the whole hunk of pork in his mouth. You can tell he's got a real hunger for life.)

 

GUY COOLER: He'll show. The old man just likes to take his time.

 

Just then, a big badass knife like the one from Rambo II comes through the window, flies into the kitchen, and shreds into Chef Mark's skull. It's kinda concerning.)

 

CAPTAIN KARL: So sick of this! Take cover, pronto!

 

Guy Cooler and Captain Karl dive over the counter and into the kitchen in slow mo. We can tell the action is really heatin' up around town and some stuff is about to go down.

 

GUY COOLER: (reachin' his hand up on the counter for another bite of that slow smoked pork and takin' a bite.) Guess we won't be seein' Chef Mark next time we're rollin' out. RIP. (Puts his back up pair of shades over Chef Mark's lifeless eyes.)

 

Bells jingle as the door to the joint opens up and we hear someone slowly walkin' in. All you can see are some badass snakeskin cowboy boots. Then, that someone says,

 

"Boys, I think I found one of your little friends screwin' around outside."

 

GUY COOLER: Pop?!

 

"Yer goddamn right."

 

The camera goes for a close-up of Guy Cooler's father, Barry Cooler. (Played by Barry from Storage Wars.)

 

BARRY COOLER: Here, I brought you a souvenir. (Barry throws some scumbag's severed head on the ground. It obviously belongs to the idiot who threw the Rambo knife and killed Chef Mark, so right away, we know Barry Cooler is a master of street justice.)

 

Barry Cooler kneels down next to Chef Mark's corpse.

 

BARRY COOLER: Well, well, well. A Rambo knife? Haven't seen one of these since back in 'Nam. Looks like you're dealin' with some pretty heavy hitters. Say, who's your amigo? (gives a nod to Captain Karl who's polishin' off the BBQ 'Cho lefties so they don't go to waste.)

 

GUY COOLER: Pop, this is my main man and boss, Captain Karl. I work for him over at Captain Karl's Pizza Ship. You can trust him. He's pretty much the man.

 

BARRY COOLER: Captain Karl, huh? Rings a bell. Think I heard you're one of the hardest partiers in the Flint area.

 

CAPTAIN KARL: (gives Barry Cooler a handshake from the streets) It's an honor, Mr. Cooler. (We see there's a mutual respect, guy to guy.) That assclown whose head you ripped off worked for a guy name Doug Carlson. He's the biggest load in town.

 

BARRY COOLER: Mr. Cooler? Please, all my friends call me B-Dog. Now, what do ya say we go clean up these pieces of trash.

 

CAPTAIN KARL: You just read my mind, B-Dog. But first, let's all head over to the Pizza Ship for a lil' pre-celebraish. Nothin' serious. Just have a few to get loose and conversational.

 

BARRY COOLER: Man. Now YOU just read MY mind. Could sure go for a cold one right now.

 

GUY COOLER: Chef Mark would've wanted it that way. RIP.

 

Kid Rock's "Cowboy" starts playin' in the backround.

 

All 3 of them give Chef Mark's body one last fist bump. It's the kinda part in a movie where a real macho man can let a few tears out and it's understandable 'cause it's SO badass yet relatable. The guys all walk out in slow mo and jump in their sweet rides. Captain Karl & Guy Cooler get in the Camaro, buddy style, and Barry Cooler gets into his black, 1986 Chevy Monte Carlo SS. Man, it's so boss. They peel out real nasty. Then, we cut to Captain Karl, Guy, and Barry back at Captain Karl's Pizza Ship, havin' some laughs, cold ones, and enjoyin' some complimentary Triscuits & Mayo while Kid Rock keeps crankin' as the soundtrack. There's probably 3-4 smokin' babes getting' down next to their table too. After this one last celebraish, it's on.

 

-END OF SCENE 3-

 

http://img.gawkerassets.com/img/17xhrlh26bg4njpg/original.jpg

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Not Brian Rookie

Not Brian

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http://www.brobible.com/files/uploads/images/bro-life/dog-shaming/dog-shaming-03.jpg

 

 

 

http://i29.photobucket.com/albums/c288/wrxblubayou/BoundFeetChina.jpg

 

 

 

 

http://i.imgur.com/0Hhag.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

http://i.imgur.com/wpYO0.jpg

 

 

 

 

 

http://i.imgur.com/waHj7.jpg

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Not Brian Rookie

Not Brian

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http://i.imgur.com/oZWc0.jpg

 

 

 

http://i.imgur.com/ostma.jpg

 

 

 

http://i43.photobucket.com/albums/e381/mortzz/tumblr_m94g9zsK4S1qzeftvo1_500.png

 

 

 

 

http://i.imgur.com/lzR5O.gif

 

 

 

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