Fonzie Posted February 26, 2009 Report Share Posted February 26, 2009 EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008 - NEW OFFICE POLICY Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not deed a raise. 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. The Management Pass this on to all who are employed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
yotaman88210 Posted February 26, 2009 Report Share Posted February 26, 2009 Lunch Break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jon_SV650 Posted February 26, 2009 Report Share Posted February 26, 2009 nice. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cbrjess0815 Posted February 26, 2009 Report Share Posted February 26, 2009 EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008 -NEW OFFICE POLICY Dress Code: 1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary. 2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. 3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buynicer clothes, and therefore you do not deed a raise. 4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days: We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go tothe doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days: Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. Bereavement Leave: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour andsubsequently leave one hour early. Bathroom Breaks: Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break: Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere. The Management Pass this on to all who are employed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ninjachk08 Posted February 26, 2009 Report Share Posted February 26, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Disclaimer Posted February 26, 2009 Report Share Posted February 26, 2009 Things getting rough around the Fonzie house??... I don't like your wife's rules. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cmoosego Posted February 26, 2009 Report Share Posted February 26, 2009 those are easier then sam's rules..... at least you don't have to clean up after the sheep!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
that dude Posted February 26, 2009 Report Share Posted February 26, 2009 priceless Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4DAIVI PAI2K5 Posted February 26, 2009 Report Share Posted February 26, 2009 thats a good one! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bigbluebird Posted February 26, 2009 Report Share Posted February 26, 2009 ha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jbot Posted February 27, 2009 Report Share Posted February 27, 2009 (edited) edgy Edited December 19, 2021 by jbot Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kosmo Posted February 27, 2009 Report Share Posted February 27, 2009 :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NinjaNick Posted February 27, 2009 Report Share Posted February 27, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ron Burgundy Posted February 27, 2009 Report Share Posted February 27, 2009 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedwolf02 Posted February 27, 2009 Report Share Posted February 27, 2009 id get a 30 mins break sweet! lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kawi kid Posted February 27, 2009 Report Share Posted February 27, 2009 hahahaha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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