Jokes.................

[jhaag]

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one

day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years

old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such

great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the

Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It

protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her

parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house,

Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who

Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a

Huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the

stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the

situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the

table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and

her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom..

'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her

over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way

right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,

Total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to

rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his

pocket...

Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f****** dishes!!!

[jhaag]

I've just discovered twitter .

It's the spot located between the twat and the shitter .

[4DAIVI PAI2K5]

hahaha

[alab32]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing.." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"

This was awesome... I have been away from this site for way too long!

[chevysoldier]

This was awesome... I have been away from this site for way too long!

Yes you have been.

[jeremygsxr]

A husband and wife are laying in bed. The man rips a huge fart, wife asks "what was that?" He replies, "touchdown 7 points"

Next the wife rips one and says "touchdown, 7 to 7"

A little later the man blows ass again and shouts, "touchdown 14 to 7"

So the wife, trying to even up, passes a little squeak. The husband looks with dissapointment and she says "field goal, 14 to 10"

Now the husband, trying all to hard, blows ass only to shit in the bed. The wife screams, "WHAT WAS THAT?",

He says, "halftime switch sides"!

[Gump]

What do you call two mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan

[chevysoldier]

A husband and wife are laying in bed. The man rips a huge fart, wife asks "what was that?" He replies, "touchdown 7 points"

Next the wife rips one and says "touchdown, 7 to 7"

A little later the man blows ass again and shouts, "touchdown 14 to 7"

So the wife, trying to even up, passes a little squeak. The husband looks with dissapointment and she says "field goal, 14 to 10"

Now the husband, trying all to hard, blows ass only to shit in the bed. The wife screams, "WHAT WAS THAT?",

He says, "halftime switch sides"!

Oh that was awesome!

[Zach]

Why did god give women 1 more brain cell than cows?

So when you play with their tits, they don't shit on the ground

[ShankroidBeast]

A guy walks into a bar and Says "Lawyers are ASSHOLES!!!!"

A man in the bar stands up and says "I'm offended by that remark!"

The guy says, "Why, you a lawyer?"

The man says, "No I'm an asshole!"

[chevysoldier]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee outside an Arizona immigration office.

'Good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been sent here by President Obama and told to grant you three wishes, since you just arrived in the United States with your wife and eight children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING ! -- he had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car garage in Annapolis on the water with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here . ... . and -- PING ! -- in the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ in an upscale neighborhood overlooking the bay.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand.

'Yes, one more wish. I want to be like an American with American clothes instead of these torn clothes, and a baseball cap instead of this sombrero . And I want to have white skin like Americans .. .. and -- PING ! -- The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Baltimore Orioles T-shirt and a baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'

The fairy said 'Tough shit, Amigo, Now that you are a White American, you have to fend for yourself.'

[alab32]

Ha ha ha ha ha... that is AWESOME!

But oh so true... sheesh...

[chevysoldier]

BULLSHIT BINGO

This is clever, humorous and provides a solitary moment of joy from listening to any of BO's almost daily egotistical and lengthy speeches.

Rules for Bullshit Bingo.

-1. Before Barrack Obama's next televised speech, prepare your "B"Bullshit Bingo" card by drawing a square

I find that 5" x 5" is a good size -- and dividing it into columns --five across and five down. That will give you 25 1-inch blocks.

2. Write ALL of the following words/phrases in each block:

. Restored our reputation

. Strategic fit

. Let me be clear

. Make no mistake

. Back from the brink

. Signs of recovery

. Out of the loop

. Benchmark

. Job creation

. Fiscal restraint

. Win-win

. Affordable health care

. Previous Administration

. Greed on Wall Street

. At the end of the day

. Empower (or empowerment)

. Touch base

. Mindset

. Corporate greed

. Ballpark

. Game plan

. Leverage

. Inherited as in "I inherited this mess"

. Relief for working families

-

3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those words/phrases.

-

4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally, stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"

Testimonials from past satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:

"I had been listening to the speech for only five minutes when I won."

- Jack W., Boston

"My attention span during speeches has improved dramatically."

- David D., Florida

"What a gas! Speeches will never be the same for me after my first win."

- Bill R., New York City

"The atmosphere was tense in the last speech as 14 of us waited for the fifth box."

- Ben G., Denver

"The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed "BULLSHIT!" for the third time in two hours."

- Harry A, Chantilly , VA

"This is the most fun I have ever had with my pants up!"

- Robert H. Portland

[Aerik]

BULLSHIT BINGO

Reminds me of our Shrubby drinking game-- anytime he made up a word, mentioned the big scary 'Terrsts!', mispronounced a real word, or did that weird jaw thing that cokeheads do, we'd take a drink.

You can pretty much make some kind of drinking game out of anyone who gives a lot of speeches.

Giuliani was another good one during the '08 campaign season. Anytime he said something about 9/11, do a shot. Given that most of his speeches were "So on 9/11 when I 9/11 and then 9/11'd to 9/11 and went over to....", we were pretty much shitfaced every time he was on tv.

[chevysoldier]

Reminds me of our Shrubby drinking game-- anytime he made up a word, mentioned the big scary 'Terrsts!', mispronounced a real word, or did that weird jaw thing that cokeheads do, we'd take a drink.

You can pretty much make some kind of drinking game out of anyone who gives a lot of speeches.

Giuliani was another good one during the '08 campaign season. Anytime he said something about 9/11, do a shot. Given that most of his speeches were "So on 9/11 when I 9/11 and then 9/11'd to 9/11 and went over to....", we were pretty much shitfaced every time he was on tv.

lol, you are right, you can do it with anyone who gives lots of speeches. I knew some people that did the same thing you did with Bush's speeches.

[KawiGurl]

One day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden, a huge pack of Indians attacked them and knocked them out.

When they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe's throne.

The chief then said "All of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me."

So after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. The chief then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. He had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. He was soon killed.

Later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. The chief soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. After to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apparent reason, and was killed.

The first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, "Why did you start laughing? You only needed one more grape and you'd have gotten away!"

The second guy answered while still laughing, "I couldn't help it. I saw the third guy walking in with pineapples."

[juliejuliejulie]

Why don’t single women fart?

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They don’t have an asshole until they are married!

[siggywiggy]

@ kawigirl

[siggywiggy]

ok julie...why are women's feet shorter then men's feet? So they can stand closer to the oven.

[KawiGurl]

A rich lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life so she placed an ad, which read something like this:

RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE ...NEEDS TO HAVE THESE QUALIFICATIONS:

1) WON'T BEAT ME UP

2) WON'T RUN AWAY

3) HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED

For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail, etc., all to no avail: none seemed to match her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man with no arms and no legs lying on the welcome mat.

Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you? And what do you want?"

"Hi," he said, " your search is over, for I'm the man of your dreams. I've got no arms so I can't beat you up and no legs so I can't run away."

"Well, then," she said, "what makes you think that you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied,..... "Well, I rang the doorbell, didn't I?

[siggywiggy]

even better!

[KawiGurl]

even better!

could go all day! i love a good joke!!

[wrillo]

could go all day!

something about this turns me on

[smashweights]

something about this turns me on

that's a good joke too!

[ShankroidBeast]

Three guys go out one night to an open bar party. they decide to out drink each other.

Two days later when they are able to move they get together to discuss the nights events.

First guy says: last thing I remember we at the party and then I woke up with a tooth missing duck taped to a tree upside down outside a fraternity house.

Second guy says: glad you got off easy. I woke up naked on the side of the street with a new tattoo on my ass and some dudes taking video of me and uploading it to youtube!!!

Third guy says: Got you all beat, and unfortunately I remember everything. I went home and blew chunks all night!!!

Other guys give him an are your fucking kidding me look....

Third guy says: You don't understand.....Chunks is my dog.