Jokes.................

[Cypress]

Umm, did it work?

[flyboy1011]

hahaha no...not even close

[chevysoldier]

Lol

[chevysoldier]

Guy goes in an adult store and asks for an inflatable doll.

Guy behind the counter says, 'Male or female?'

Customer says, 'Female.'

Counter guy asks, 'Black or white?

Customer says, 'White.'

Counter guy asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'

Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

Counter guy says, 'The Muslim one blows itself up.'

[f4isvt]

why did the woman cross the road who care why is she out of the kitchen.

[chevysoldier]

God

> was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the

> archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.

>

> He inquired, "Where have you been?"

>

> God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the

> clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

>

> Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is

> it?"

>

> "It's a planet," replied God, and I've

> put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's

> going to be a place to test Balance."

>

> "Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still

> confused."

>

> God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.

> "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great

> opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be

> poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people,

> and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in

> all things.

>

> God continued pointing to different countries. "This

> one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold

> and covered in ice."

>

> The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed

> to a land area and said, "What's that one?"

>

> "That's West Virginia , the most glorious place on

> earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams,

> lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from West

> Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and

> humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will

> be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers

> of peace, and producers of good things"

>

> Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked,

> "But what about balance, God? You said there would be

> balance..."

>

> God smiled, "Right next to West Virginia is Washington

> , DC . Wait till you see the idiots I put there."

>

[Aerik]

The people from West

> Virginia are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and

> humorous, and they are going to travel the world.

>

West Virginia

intelligent

Why is there more text after the punchline?

[chevysoldier]

Why is there more text after the punchline?

[ICECOLD]

Some funny stuff here...

[chachi1189]

We’re in trouble...

The population of this country is 300 million.

160 million are retired.

That leaves 140 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school.

Which leaves 55 million to do the work.

Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.

Leaving 15 million to do the work.

2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.

Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.

Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.

At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.

Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And there you are,

Sitting on your ass,

At your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice.

[scottb]

get to work, you are on day shift this week, I am working the night shift this week...

[MidgetTodd]

This guy named Obama got elected president, and well you already know the punch lines

[smashweights]

What's the difference between a pile of rocks and a pile of dead babies? You can't pick up a pile of rocks with a pitchfork.

[jagr]

Nice. ^^^

Edited February 6, 2010 by jagr

[Strictly Street]

TWENTY DOLLARS

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

[chevysoldier]

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' Her father asks in shock .....

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore. '

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know,' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard.

[BikerBoy]

Little Melissa comes home from 1st grade & tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day.

'Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint, and we're Jewish,' she asks, 'Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says: 'No, I don't think God would get mad. Whom do you want to give a Valentine to?'

'Osama Bin Laden,' she says.

'Why Osama Bin Laden?' Her father asks in shock .....

'Well,' she says, 'I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit.

And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them, and how he didn't hate anyone anymore. '

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. 'Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I have ever heard.'

'I know,' Melissa says, 'and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the bastard.

it wasn't really funny, but i got the point, so melissa is playing the role of all politicians who makes you beleive that they love and care for you just so they trap and kill you ?

[chevysoldier]

it wasn't really funny, but i got the point, so melissa is playing the role of all politicians who makes you beleive that they love and care for you just so they trap and kill you ?

Umm, it was just a joke. Not implying anything about anything. Wasn't really political, don't read into it so much.

[BikerBoy]

Umm, it was just a joke. Not implying anything about anything. Wasn't really political, don't read into it so much.

okay, i'll try not to next time

[jhaag]

I got mugged the other night, set on by 4 big bastards who were kickin the shit out of me. against all odds i managed to knock one out!

not the best time for a wank, but i didnt know if i'd get the chance again.

[redkow97]

A hamburger walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "i'm sorry - we don't serve food here."

[jhaag]

I just saw that Harry Potter film.

A bit unrealistic if you ask me.

I mean, a ginger kid, with two friends?

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?

If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

I found out recently that my mum made a porn film.

I don't know what disgusted me more, the fact she made it, or the fact I carried on wanking after I recognised her!!!

Whats the Difference between a fag and a refrigerator?

Refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull the meat out...

Jesus walks into a Holiday Inn on a cold and rainy night. The desk clerk says "can I help you?"

Jesus reaches into his robe and pulls out 3 nails, and says.

"Can you put me up for the night?"

Exactly how long does it take to explode a baby in a microwave?

I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.

[EvilTwin]

Whats the difference between a Lambo and a pile of dead babies?

I don't have a Lambo in my garage.

[jhaag]

What does locking your keys in your car and getting your girlfriend pregnant have in common?

You can fix both with a coat hanger.

[chevysoldier]

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started cussing.." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, "When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass."

The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"