Jokes.................

[Bkizz]

Did you hear about that new beer company marketing solely to the homosexual community? It's for the guys who don't like Busch.

[Slim]

Know the difference between a Harley and a Hoover vacuum?

The position of the dirt bag

thats funny right there

[Cdubyah]

Redneck Pickup lines

1.Did you fart? Cuz you just blw me away.

2. Are yer parents retarded? Cuz you sure are special.

3. MY Love fer you is like diarrhea, I can't hold it in.

4. Do you have a library card? Cuz I'd like to check you out.

5. Is there a mirror in yer pants? Cuz I can see myself in em.

6. If you was a tree and I were a squirrel, I'd store my nuts in your hole.

7. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

8. I know I'm not no Fred Flinstone, but I bet I can my your bedrock.

9. I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

10. Yer eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

11.If yer gunna regret this in the mornin, we kin sleep til afternoon.

12. Your face reminds me of a wrench, lookin at you makes my nuts tighten up.

[Tomcat0403]

[Cypress]

Redneck Pickup lines

...and you know these because you've used a few?

[jarvismb]

wait, you've never started off a conversation with a girl by asking if her parents are retarded? Shit, that's my go-to starter....

[Cdubyah]

...and you know these because you've used a few?

They work like a charm round these parts!

[Cypress]

The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”

[Cypress]

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always done everything together.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,

Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley '

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over..'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley '

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.

[dustinsn3485]

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yep, the little girl said, "he sure did."

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation and said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

"Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[wrillo]

Your mama is so fat, when she sings, its over.

[wrillo]

The energizer bunny was arrested today, and is being charged with battery.

[Cdubyah]

The most commn sexual position in married couples today is Doggy Style.

Husband sits and begs for sex & the wife rolls over and plays dead.

Quote of the Day:

Drinking non alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

Sure it tastes the same but it ain't fucking right.

Edited September 25, 2009 by Cdubyah

[e-flores]

The most commn sexual position in married couples today is Doggy Style.

Husband sits and begs for sex & the wife rolls over and plays dead.

[chevysoldier]

Quote of the Day:

Drinking non alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

Sure it tastes the same but it ain't fucking right.

Wrong but

[Zach]

It looks like you blew a seal.

Naw, that's just a lil' ice cream.

[chevysoldier]

I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline...

Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan.

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[chevysoldier]

THE PREACHER'S

SON

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at

school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A Bible.

2. A silver dollar.

3. A bottle of whiskey.

4. And a Playboy magazine.

'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. 'When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a

blessing that would be!

If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too.

But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.

And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a

skirt-chasing womanizer.'

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table..

With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

'Lord have mercy,' the old preacher disgustedly whispered.

'He's gonna run for Congress.

[chevysoldier]

Three men - a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a

Biker Dude are all walking together one day.

They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',

says the Genie.

The Canadian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada '

POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.

Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians

can come into our precious land.'

POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.

The Biker says, 'I am very curious.

Please tell me more about this wall.'

The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country.. Nothing can get in or out; it's virtually impenetrable.'

The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a cigar,

smiles and says,

“Fill it with water!”

[chevysoldier]

You know you're from Columbus when...

The fact that the German Village Oktoberfest is in September (and not in German Village ) seems perfectly normal.

You beam with pride that we're the hometown of Wendy's, White Castle , Rax Roast Beef, and Bob Evans & Donatos. But you wonder why we're the 8th fattest city in America .

You remember very vividly City Center & Northland.

You know how to pronounce " Scioto " and "Olentangy".

You see nothing unusual about a street being called East North Broadway.

You live in the suburbs but your backyard was actually a cornfield last year.

That complex on the corner, with the CVS, Blockbuster's and Kroger, that was a cornfield last year, too!

As you lament the loss of all those cornfields, you see the infinite wisdom of Dublin City Council, who spent over $60,000 on a field of 10' concrete corn ears.

You don't even notice new buildings being built because a new building goes up every single day.

You know all the 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.

You drive 3 hours to see Red White & Boom for 15 minutes, an d 4 hours back. But you live 10 minutes away.

You know what a real buckeye is, and have a recipe for candy ones.

You know screaming O-H anytime, anywhere, will get a reply from a stranger saying I-O!

The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.

You consider going to the zoo in winter VERY normal.

You have a buckeye necklace.

You think 45 degree weather is PERFECT for washing your car!

You call it POP. Soda is for weirdos.

You get chills when you hear 'Carmen Ohio'.

You know Wyandot Lake is NOT a body of water, and Mad River Mountain is not really a mountain.

You say Kroger's. It's really Kroger.

You remember Big Bear, but now it's gone

You can see a building downtown but you can't get to it, due to 500 million one way streets!

Monday - 30 degrees, Tuesday - 70 degrees, Wednesday - 45 and humid, Thursday - -10 wind-chill and Friday 80 degrees and sunny is normal for you.

One out of every 5 cars has something BUCKEYE on it.

You remember Flippo.

You remember Lucy's Toy Shop

Your big Christmas event was visiting Santa at Downtown Lazarus

You were surprised that there is ANOTHER Hoover Dam in the Country

People drive 10 mph with the first dusting of snow and 65 mph with 2 feet of snow

You know businesses close on Ohio State Football game day.

You know all the haunted places in Columbus . ( Mirror Lake , OSU Library, Palace Theater, etc etc)

You know what 'The Hospital Curve' is.

You think the standard protocol for a tornado warning is to grab lawn chairs and head for the front porch.

You drive down 670 with your windows open to smell the fresh bread from the Wonder Bread Factory and the cinnamon rolls from the Kroger bakery.

You think there's nothing strange about the city of Westerville being Northeast of Columbus.

You think that ' Columbus ' always needs to be followed by ' Ohio '.

[EvilTwin]

You get chills when you hear 'Carmen Ohio'.

I got a lump in my throat when I sang that today at the game, b/c I realized it is the last time in a very long time that I'll be singing that in the shoe before I get to watch my team stomp the shit out of their opponents. I'm going to miss going to buckeye games when I'm in Az.

[Cypress]

A young man and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town. They were about to have sex when the girl stopped.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $20 for sex." The man reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After a cigarette, the man just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window. "Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the girl.

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $25..."

[Cypress]

What a woman says...

This place is a mess! C'mon!

You and I need to clean up!

Your stuff is lying on the floor and

You'll have no clothes to wear if we

don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears...

blah blah blah blah blah C'MON!

YOU AND I blah blah blah blah!

blah blah blah blah ON THE FLOOR blah

blah blah NO CLOTHES blah blah blah blah

blah blah blah RIGHT NOW!

[chevysoldier]

No Christmas in DC this year

There will be no

Nativity Scene

in

Washington this year!

The

Supreme Court

has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the

United States' Capital this

Christmas season

..

This isn't for any religious reason.

They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol.

A search for a Virgin continues.

There was no problem, however, finding enough jackasses to fill the stable

[alab32]

Three guys walk in to a bar, 4th on ducks.