gen3flygirl Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 An old married couple went to bed one night. As soon as they hit the pillows, the old man passes gas and says, "Touchdown! Seven points!" His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football." A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown! Tie score!" After about five minutes the old man lets another one go and says, "A-ha! I'm ahead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says, "Touchdown! Tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a little squeaker and says, "Field goal! I lead 17 to 14." Now the pressure is on the old man. He refuses to get beaten by a woman, so he strains real hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable, he gives it everything he's got and accidentally poops in the bed. The wife says, "What the hell was that?" The old man says, "Half time! Switch sides!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alab32 Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 i'm really tempted to post a joke that is ridiculously funny, but seeing as i have 1 warning against me already the joke may earn me a seat in 'The Banned Lounge' along side 'ThatDude.' for now i will keep it to myself.PM it to me and if its funny, ill post it. ha ha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
4DAIVI PAI2K5 Posted January 28, 2011 Report Share Posted January 28, 2011 i'm really tempted to post a joke that is ridiculously funny, but seeing as i have 1 warning against me already the joke may earn me a seat in 'The Banned Lounge' along side 'ThatDude.' for now i will keep it to myself.Welcome to the elite club of assholes haha Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cdubyah Posted February 4, 2011 Report Share Posted February 4, 2011 How many steelers fan does it take to change a light bulb?Two.One to do the job, and the other to tell everybody else how much better they are at it than everybody else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevysoldier Posted February 5, 2011 Report Share Posted February 5, 2011 I got this in an email, so yeah I ctrl+c'd and ctrl+v'd it.The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper. > > > St. Peter said, 'Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you. > > > We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.' > > > Forrest responds, 'It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was.' > > > St. Peter continued, 'Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions. > > > First: > > > What two days of the week begin with the letter T? > > > Second: > > > How many seconds are there in a year? > > > Third: > > > What is God's first name?' > > > Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, 'Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.' > > > Forrest replied, 'Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begins with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one is easy.... That would be Today and Tomorrow.' > > > The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, 'Forrest, that is not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not specify, so I will give you credit for that answer.. > > > How about the next one?' asked St. Peter. > 'How many seconds in a year? > > > Now that one is harder,' replied Forrest, 'but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve.' > > > Astounded, St. Peter said, 'Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?' > > > Forrest replied, 'Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd.. ' > > > > 'Hold it,' interrupts St. Peter. 'I see where you are going with this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in mind....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. > > > Let us go on with the third and final question. > > > Can you tell me God's first name'? > > > 'Sure,' Forrest replied, 'it's Andy.' > > > 'Andy?' exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. > > > 'Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?' > > > 'Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,' Forrest replied. 'I learnt it from the song, > > > ANDY WALKS WITH ME, > > > ANDY TALKS WITH ME, > > > ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN.' > > > St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: Run, Forrest, Run.' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevysoldier Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 My Favorite Animal Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked theother children.So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alab32 Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 Ha ha... thats funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gump Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, hey, why the long face?ha! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhaag Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, hey, why the long face?ha!why didnt barbie ever get pregnant?cause ken came in a different box! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve Butters Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 Women's Rights. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alab32 Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 Some people may like this one and some people may not... However, I saw this on a bumper sticker and I thought it was pretty funny!Obama: A One Word Joke! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbarron77 Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 why do blonde women have bruised belly buttons?because blonde men are stupid too! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhallam85 Posted March 4, 2011 Report Share Posted March 4, 2011 A man encountered a geniue from a lamp he found. Genie "I can give you three wishes but your wife gets double"Man "My first wish is yacht"The Wife gets two yachtsMan "Second wish, 1 million dollars"The wife gets 2 million dollarsMan "My third wish, beat me half to death"Man gets everything! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevysoldier Posted March 6, 2011 Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 Owed two a Spell Chequer(or, "Ode to a spell checker")Eye halve a spelling chequer;It came with my pea sea;It plainly marques four my revueMiss steaks eye kin knot sea.Eye strike a key and type a wordEnd weight four it two sayWeather eye am wrong our write -It shows me straight a weigh.As soon as a mist ache is maidIt nose bee fore two long,And eye kin put the arrow riteIt's rare lea ever wrong.Eye have run this poem threw it;I am shore your pleased two noIts letter perfect awl the weigh,My spell chequer tolled me sew!-Sores unknown Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevysoldier Posted March 6, 2011 Report Share Posted March 6, 2011 Owed two a Spell Chequer(or, "Ode to a spell checker")Eye halve a spelling chequer;It came with my pea sea;It plainly marques four my revueMiss steaks eye kin knot sea.Eye strike a key and type a wordEnd weight four it two sayWeather eye am wrong our write -It shows me straight a weigh.As soon as a mist ache is maidIt nose bee fore two long,And eye kin put the arrow riteIt's rare lea ever wrong.Eye have run this poem threw it;I am shore your pleased two noIts letter perfect awl the weigh,My spell chequer tolled me sew!-Sores unknown Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevysoldier Posted March 18, 2011 Report Share Posted March 18, 2011 A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas , and talked with an old rancher.He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location.The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked, or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand ?!!"The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and promptly yelled at the top of his lungs..... (I just love this part....) "Your badge! Show him your BADGE........ ! !" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevysoldier Posted March 18, 2011 Report Share Posted March 18, 2011 (edited) This is old but still a riothttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EYmsr8Sy4K0 Edited March 18, 2011 by chevysoldier Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
redbarron77 Posted March 21, 2011 Report Share Posted March 21, 2011 An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jblosser Posted March 21, 2011 Report Share Posted March 21, 2011 A man works in a manufacturing plant and has an industrial accident while at work.He calls his wife and tells her "Honey, I had an accident at work. I'm at the hospital.""Are you OK?" she asks."Yes, but one of my fingers was cut off" he answers."The whole finger?", she asks."Nope, the one next to it...!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alab32 Posted March 26, 2011 Report Share Posted March 26, 2011 Oldie but a goodie...You know what makes a girl go from "aaah" to "mmmm??" Duct tape. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevysoldier Posted March 26, 2011 Report Share Posted March 26, 2011 Guy walks into church and goes to the confessional. The priest asks him what his sins are. The man replies "Well, I almost had an affair with another woman." The priest asks "What do you mean 'almost'"? He replied "We got naked and rubbed on each other a little bit but stopped there." "Well that's the same as having an affair. So for your penance I want you to never see the woman again, say 20 Hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The guy agrees and walks out. He then goes over to the poor box and the priest sees him stand there for a minute then walk off without putting the $50 into it. "Hey! I saw you didn't put the money in there. Why not"The man replies "Well I rubbed the $50 on the outside of the box and according to you that's the same as sticking it in!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gen3flygirl Posted April 3, 2011 Report Share Posted April 3, 2011 A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer." Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'" 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alienpi Posted April 3, 2011 Report Share Posted April 3, 2011 A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas." The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went. "How many sales did you make today?" The young man replied without hesitating, "One." The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" The kid said, "$101,237.64." The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!" the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer." Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?" "No, he came here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevysoldier Posted April 30, 2011 Report Share Posted April 30, 2011 Grammar is important! Capital letters are the difference betwen helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
alab32 Posted May 2, 2011 Report Share Posted May 2, 2011 How do you turn a fox into an elephant?-Marry It! What is the difference between a battery and a woman? -A battery has a positive side.Why do women fake orgasms ?-Because they think men care.What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?-Nothing, she's been told twice already.If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have youdone wrong?-Made her chain too longWhy is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?-Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.Why do women have smaller feet than men?-It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.Why do men pass gas more than women?-Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at thefront door, who do you let in first ?-The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by90%..-It's called a Wedding Cake.Why do men die before their wives?-They want to. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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