Jokes.................

[redbarron77]

A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo.

One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don't understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn't have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers."

"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?"

And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?"

And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of course I do."

"But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?"

The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"

[redbarron77]

[redbarron77]

I went out to eat and not far away sat a beautiful woman. She had a glass eye, during her meal she sneezed so hard her glass eye popped right out and I grabbed it.

She was so grateful when I returned her eye that she bought my dinner, I asked "Do you always buy every guy you meet dinner?" and she replied "No, you just caught my eye."

[MidgetTodd]

Here's a good joke.

A smart women.....

Ummm.. I believe the word you are looking for is "woman". How ironic that you made yourself look like a moron while trying to make a stab at female intelligence.

[redbarron77]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.

'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,

'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,

'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,

'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.

It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,

'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,

'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'

'Because you got an F in sex!'

[redbarron77]

So, A Frenchman, a Cowboy and an Italian become stranged on an island after their boat capsizes and get captured by some cannibals.

The cannibals proced to tell them they will soon die an deventually are brought forward to the Cheif.

The cheif tells them they will be killed and use their skin to make canoes and other useful products, and being that he is a nice guy... The cheif will let them choose their own demise.

The Frenchman goes first and requests a sword. Since he has fenced all his life he thought it would be fitting to slice his own throat with a sword, so he does and dies, they skin him and make a canoe.

The Coboy is up next and requests a revolver. Since he has used guns all his life he thought it would be fitting to blow his own brains out with a gun, so he does and he dies, they skin him and make a canoe.

The Italian is up next and requests a fork. The Cheif looks at him real funny but obliges. As soon as the italian has the fork he immediately begins to stab himself frantically, everywhere on his body with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

The Cheif ask him, "What in the hell are you doing?"

The Italian replies, "Hahaha! So much for your canoe, ASSHOLE!!! "

[redbarron77]

Murphy calls to see his friend Paddy who has a broken leg. Paddy says "Me feet are freezing mate, could you go upstairs and get my slippers"? "No bother" he says and runs upstairs.

There are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their bed. "Hello girls, your dad sent me up here to shag you both". "Fuck off you liar" they said." "I'll prove it" says Murphy.

So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them Paddy?" "Of course, what's the use of just fucking one!!?" comes the reply.

[redbarron77]

Mother: "Why are you home from school so early?"

Son: "I was the only one who could answer a question."

Mother: "Oh, really? What was the question?"

Son: "Who threw the egg at the principal?"

[redbarron77]

One night, a drunk comes stumbling into a bar and says to the bartender: "Drinks for all on me including you, bartender."

So the bartender follows the mans orders and says: "That will be $55.50 please." The drunk says he has no money so the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

The next night the same drunk comes in again and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again the bartender follows instructions and again the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.

On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for all except the bartender. "What, no drink for me?" replies the bartender. "Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

[redbarron77]

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,

"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

I replied, "Ok. Well, your eyesight's darn near perfect."

And then the fight started........

[redbarron77]

I took my wife to a restaurant.

The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

"Nah, she can order for herself."

And that's when the fight started.....

[redbarron77]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

Then I said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started...

[alab32]

Ummm.. I believe the word you are looking for is "woman". How ironic that you made yourself look like a moron while trying to make a stab at female intelligence.

phenomenal! Ha ha ha

[redbarron77]

They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what's wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.... The Receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick", he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The Receptionist replied; "Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.

The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes??"

"There's something wrong with my ear", he stated.

The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

"And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??"

"I can't piss out of it," he replied.

The waiting room erupted in laughter.

Mess with seniors and you're gonna lose!

[Casper]

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer. The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer. The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says "You guys need to learn your limits."

[redbarron77]

I was banging this lady over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”

Thinking back, I really should have ran – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

[redbarron77]

So there was young Navy Ensign Barron, sent to the Pacific on a very remote island, stationed with 100 other men. After three weeks of frustration, he asked Chief Stillman, "How can you be so calm without female companionship?"

Chief Stillman took the young Ensign out and explained, "You arrived the day after our monthly excursion to Goat Island. Once a month, we pack up everyone and head over to Goat Island to take care of that."

Young Ensign Barron was overjoyed at the prospect of relief for his problem.

The weekend rolls around, and just like Chief Stillman said, every sailor on the island packed up, grabbed a boat, and headed across the water to Goat Island.

When the boats hit the beach, Barron leaped out of his boat, ran ashore, and grabbed the first goat and started to vigorously screw it! He looked up when he heard everyone laughing at him.

"What are you laughing at, this is what we came over here for!" he cried.

Chief Stillman replied, "Yes it is, but you picked the ugliest damn goat on the island!"

[Scruit]

^ This is funnier because there actually IS a Goat Island. It's on the US side of Niagara Falls.

[redbarron77]

When I was young I used to pray for a bike, then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

[redbarron77]

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

[redbarron77]

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.

AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.

AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.

AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.

AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.

AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.

AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.

AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.

AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.

AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.

AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.

AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.

NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

[redbarron77]

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding a stupid person that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating. And the pick of the literature: is both stupid and an asshole.

[chevysoldier]

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

[redbarron77]

I just got thrown out of our local hospital for misusing a breast-scanning unit...

Or Binoculars, as the Security Guard insisted on calling them.

[alab32]

Ha ha ha ha... thats funny