87GT Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 Don't even fucking say a word. I like potato chips, and can't eat them very much or I'll get fat. I tried out these Pringles Fat-Free chips because they were super low-cal. BBQ flavor. the fuck. The can said they had 70 calories per serving, which meant the whole can had 490 calories inside total. I could munch through a can in a day with my lunch, dinner, etc. So I got several cans, and began enjoying one a day for the past four days. But what they dont fucking tell you... Except in tiny print you cant read without a fucking electron microscope ...is that the primary ingredient is something called "olean" which I have since learned is Latin for "Unwashable & Indestructible Ass Grease." Oh Yeah. I'm not even kidding. So today, while I'm standing in the living room debating whether or not Laundry or Dishes will get done first, I get the urge to fart. I live alone, so sweet. I let the honk loose and its wrong. Something just sounded wrong. I know my own wind, and I have never farted a sound that sounded like a fart wrapped in a pillow. Oh yes, something was very wrong. I had just shat myself. But this evil olean makes shitting yourself sound almost like a regular fart, and had I not been particularly attentive, it could easily have gone unnoticed, I'm telling you. THAT's how utterly covert and evil this olean stuff is. What the fuck?! What if I'd gone out to hang with friends or gone for a drive, what then? So I walk carefully to the bathroom and disrobe. before I even sit on the toilet, I wad paper and carefully wipe from the front. Sure enough, it was light brown, and had the texture of soft spackle. You fucking Pringle bastards. I sat down and pushed a bit, and lo, out came a jet that I didnt even feel an urge for one minute earlier. It piled in the bowl like brown marshmallow fluff. The problem rose when I tried to wipe. I went through a whole fucking roll of TP and could not get it all off me. So I jumped in the shower. Yep, its gross, but it had to be done. There I stood, water pouring down, cheeks spread, and using my own hand to make certain I'm clean. That was when I discovered that after using my hand to wipe myself (before I soaped the area) my hand came back covered in some sort of transparent grease. It was so fucking foul. The grease made water bead off my hand. It was tacky too, and very difficult to manage. So I grabbed the bar of soap and went to work. You fucking Pringle bastards. The bar of soap came away coated in grease as well, and would no longer wash. I had to turn the water to hot and massage the soap for five minutes to get it to the point where I could use it again. It took me an hour to get the fucking grease off my pucker. I shudder to think of what its doing INSIDE ME right now, but I will damned sure never eat that shit again. Fucking Pringle bastards. This is where the joke about "anal leakage" came from. its real. Fuck Pringles. Location: Inside the skinny jeans of a dirty Seattle hipster posted to instagram 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Green Bastard Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 That was entertaining Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phil Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 i literally am crying right now laughing so hard. thank you for that, easily the best write up of the yr. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Brian Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 wasn't there an announcement about that shit in like 1998 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
87GT Posted March 6, 2013 Author Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 wasn't there an announcement about that shit in like 1998 Nobody in Seattle has time for dat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
boosted98gst Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 wasn't there an announcement about that shit in like 1998 Lol they had an special on "olean" years back lol......that story was funny as hell tho haha. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zeitgeist57 Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 (edited) Yes...I was in high school when Olean (olestra) came out. The health discussions were that 2% of people would have a "negative reaction" to the ingredient. I was driving with my parents from Ohio to Long Island, NY to visit my grandparents. Nearing the NJ border and several hours into the trip, we stopped for gas and my mother bought some Lay's "Wow!" chips. I ate two potato chips and didn't like the taste... Not 15 minutes later, we make it to NJ and I'm riding in the far back seat of our Caravan. I DOUBLE OVER in abdominal pains. I was a healthy, well-built high-schooler and within a minute I was curled in the fetal position, near tears, in a cold sweat on a minivan bench seat. The rest of my family was wondering WTF was wrong with me whilst happily munching away at the bag-o-chips. Long and DISGUSTING story short, I made my parents pull over a half dozen times throughout NJ so I could destroy some gas station toilets. I mean, it was like Trainspotting and "The Worst Toilet In All Of Scotland" every stop we went and I didn't even care. By the time I was totally cleaned out, we still had three hours through NYC, the boroughs, and the rest of Long Island. Despite the sharp, stabbing abdominal pains throughout the trip, I didn't mess myself like that guy. Olean was far and away the worst digestive issue I've ever experienced in my life. Unlike food poisioning or stomach illnesses we've all had, I actually felt fine by the time we got to our destination...after one last clearing-of-the-baffles. My parents and I joke about it to this day. I still get wary when Baked Lays come across my way (which I do like)...any low-cal chip I immediately scan the label for Olean or olestra in the ingredients. Edited March 6, 2013 by zeitgeist57 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Geeesammy Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 Hardest I've laughed in awhile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
phil Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 Nobody in Seattle has time for dat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
buelliganx1 Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 Damn Good laugh thank you for that. +1 for not touching that stuff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FourString Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 Brake parts cleaner? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Karacho1647545492 Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 I had a similar experience many years ago. My Portuguese grandmother doesn't speak any English, so when I was a kid and she bought me some super-reduced-price potato chips I didn't think anything of it. My parents, however, took notice when I sharted myself that evening. Because "unwashable ass grease" and "olestra/olean" don't translate particularly well into Portuguese, my dad told her to never feed me anything she didn't cook herself ever again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoostedAce Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 Thanks for solving a problem in my life. No really being serious. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rustlestiltskin Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 I remember using this copy paste last year on another site. I'm literally gonna buy a half dozen cans of these fat free Pringles and hand them out at work. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BoostedAce Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 I had a similar senerio, I was at a bar and my friend was grabbing beers for me because it was packed and I don't look of age. After about 2 or 3 I told him they where a very good beer keep them coming. Mistake... So after a whole night of drinking this "pear cider beer" I probably had a total of 7 or 8 and my stomach was hurting turned out I shit probably that amount of beer I just consumed. Will never ever drink another pear cider beer in my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justinwebb Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 should have used a loofa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
starkmaster03 Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 i literally am crying right now laughing so hard. thank you for that, easily the best write up of the yr. I second that, had me laughing hard. Phill I think you were behind me today leaving Easton in the Goat. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adamgh81 Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 Good stuff Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
evil8 Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 Who is the original author of this literature? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JuicedH22 Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Karacho1647545492 Posted March 6, 2013 Report Share Posted March 6, 2013 I remember using this copy paste last year on another site. I'm literally gonna buy a half dozen cans of these fat free Pringles and hand them out at work. This would be too obvious. Get a can of regular pringles, eat a few, then mix in a couple of the butthole holocaust chips. Give the chips to a group of coworkers, saying you aren't hungry for the rest. If a few people eat them, only a couple will have assleakage, while everyone else assumes nothing is wrong. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wagner Posted March 7, 2013 Report Share Posted March 7, 2013 Dude, Paul Bearer is dead and you post something like this? I hope you get face herps mixed with ass clap. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dover Posted March 7, 2013 Report Share Posted March 7, 2013 hahahaha that is hilarious Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jeffro Posted March 7, 2013 Report Share Posted March 7, 2013 Eating spaghetti while reading that and i didn't even flinch. But that is fucked up shit right there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTQ B4U Posted March 7, 2013 Report Share Posted March 7, 2013 http://ts4.mm.bing.net/th?id=H.5027831339155795&pid=15.1 Yummy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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