Craigslist Decoder Thread

[Sidewinder600]

I’ve been noticing a habit of some overselling on craigslist, so for the benefit of everyone I’d like to start an official Craigslist Description Decoder thread. I’ve wasted too many clicks on ads listing a “classic, rare motorcycle” to find out it’s some generic 80’s UJM that some guy’s been using to store his lawnmower gas in for 20 years. Feel free to add/append as necessary. And this is meant to be funny, or at least not serious, so don’t get a bunch of sand in your vajayjay if some of this hits a little too close to home. If your bike runs just fine while using a butterknife as a fuse, I salute you.

“Vintage” = old

“Classic” = old

“Collectible” = old

“Antique” = old and doesn’t run

“Need something bigger” = I have a separate line of credit at Wendy’s

“Need something smaller” = I’ve wrecked so many times that insurance for my Ruckus is more than I spend on food

“Spotless” = all parts destroyed in previous highside replaced

“Unique” = begrudgingly realized that chopping the frame did not, in fact, increase resale value or desirability

“Tons of upgrades” = knowingly refuse to individually list upgrades because I’ll realize I’ve spent more on this bike than most spend on their firstborn (admit it, you fall into this category)

“Rare” = hard to find because nobody bought it new and/or most blew up long ago, both because of craptastic design; also, replacement for rusted tank would cost more than bike is worth

“All-original” = haven’t bothered to replace anything, regardless of a persistent misfire and a muffler held on with bailer twine; also, old

“Just replaced XXXX…” = XXXX exploded and took out everything around it, so I cobbled together a fix and don’t want to deal with the repercussions of a cheap and hasty repair

“Wife wants it gone” = You see the picnic tables in the back of Chrysler’s new minivans? Sweet!

“Probably just needs carbs cleaned” = belligerent homeless family currently residing in airbox

“Needs electrical work” = when last tested, my multimeter read “OH SHIT!”

“Ran fine when parked” = just needed an oil change when I parked it in pig stable 38 years ago

“Will upload pics later” = I’m still learning to use the healing brush in Photoshop

“95% complete” = 5% will cost $17,000 and a trip to an alpine base camp in the Far East to obtain the last known right hand timing case; see also “rare”

“Down once in parking lot” = wrecked so hard I turned I-71 into a parking lot for 3 hours

“Light rash on one side” = once ran on its side for 20 oil-starved minutes before paramedics shut it down; also see “down once in parking lot”

“Kickstart only” = the timing’s off, trying to e-start turned the sprag clutch to powder, and I’ve run out of ankles to break attempting to kick start it myself

“Needs new battery” = battery needs new bike; immediately refer to “needs electrical work”

“Loads of character” = bump-start only, horn switch works high beams, high beam switch blows the main fuse, main fuse is a butter knife, kill switch lights harness on fire, headlight is an oil-burning lamp, horn automatically sounds during left handers, leaks more fluids than a 90 year old on an all-Olean diet, but hey… it still runs!

Now your turn.

[Goldie]

I saw an ad the other day that said something to the effect of, "bike is almost perfect, except for scratches on left and right fairing" and I think there was something else wrong as well. I need to go find it now.

Edit: Couldn't find it.

Edited August 18, 2010 by Goldie

[CattaniAFJ]

That's a good list and mostly true too

[Strictly Street]

lol!

[Cheech]

i snerked a little. good list.

[Goldie]

"Loads of character" was hilarious. Funny MF'er right there.

[dorifto240]

"Slight rust" = Touch it and the bike will disintegrate.

"Carb Issues" = Two of the carbs exploded, one is gone, the other one needs a rebuild kit that costs more than the bike did originally.

"Harley" = overpriced and abused. My law practice isn't doing as well

"Wow! L@@K" = It's a Ninja 250! Exactly like the six thousand other Ninja 250s.

"Classic" = Also means: " I saw an article about this bike once, so I'm now asking more money than KBB recommends as prudent."

"Salvage Bike" = This thing hit the median on 270 North going about 200mph. After we cleaned the bits of brain matter off, we used two trucks and a logging chain to barely straighten the frame out.

I'd also like to expand into the jobs category:

"No experience required" = Shitty, entry level job

"Will train" = See above

"Entry level marketing"= Door to door sales

"Partners with Fortune 500 company" = Door to door sales

"Progressive Non-profit" = Door to door fundraising

"Models Needed" = porn

"Actresses needed for film" = porn

"Independent film needs cast" = artsy porn.

"Customer Service Rep" = Collections agency. You'll either quit or commit suicide in a week

"Fast paced environment" = We can't afford to hire ten people, so we're hiring one.

"Change America!" = Work for an aspiring politician. Most likely crooked. See "Progressive Non-Profit"

"Warehouse Help" = Slave Labor.

[Jst2fst]

These sound like they hit their mark guys good job...

[DWatkins]

Thank you and I'll still be laughing tomorrow. Now, I have two Kawasaki F-6's that one runs and the other one has a title, so all you have to do is take the engine out of the one and put it in the other....... Did I mention the storage since 1975?

[Sidewinder600]

Nice! That would be "All-original, vintage Yamaha. Ran when parked. Title in hand." See, you can also use it to create listings.

Though that brings me to another one:

"no title" = I know as well as you that the $300 price break isn't worth getting circle-jerked by the BMV and title agency simultaneously for 8 months while the bike sits legally (and maybe functionally) unrideable in the garage and racks up $500 in transfer fees, but you're probably going to rationalize buying it anyway once you see the sweet bill of sale I threw together in Google Docs 8 minutes before you got here to look at it and I throw in a free 7 year old HJC half-shell helmet that actually has been used as my dog's water bowl on several occasions

...BTD.

[serpentracer]

the job stuff is so fucking true. all joking aside, those really are true.

[ninjascott]

Funny shit right there. I don't care who you are. Thats funny!

[Sidewinder600]

Some other job translations:

"exciting opportunity" = desk job

"established company" = invest in one of those hemorrhoid donuts because your ass ain't going anywhere for a decade or two

"3+ years experience in XXX required" = we lack any OJT, or possibly even anyone else that knows what the hell they're doing, so you better know your shit before you get here

"immediate need" = we were completely caught off-guard when the last guy quit after years of suffering our abuse, so we'd like to not change our practices at all and hope you're accustomed to grabbing ankles

"opportunity for growth" = you will be promoted by attrition; essentially "immediate need" but with more foresight

"BS in XXX required" = we want you saddled with college debt so it'll be harder to quit, but we'll still pay like you work at The Waffle House (no offense intended to Waffle House employees)

"master's in XXX required" = we'll give you a lot more responsibility but pay you just as much as a BS because, let's face it, with all the school loans you have you'll take anything in this job market

"PhD in XXX required" = only a doctorate can adequately prepare you for the amount of bureaucracy and reams of paperwork that will slowly choke away your will to live while working here

"growing/upstart company" = you'll probably be working for free; or, our total profit from last year amounted to 6 Kroger gift cards

"some overtime required" = buy a Suburban, put your mattress in the back, sell your house and everything else you own, find a nearby Walmart parking lot

"some travel required" = see "some overtime required," but be prepared to lose that Suburban and mattress within a year to cover travel expenses we refuse to reimburse

"looking for a rock star/outgoing/take-charge personality" = if by default you believe everyone around you is wrong and you like to noisily point that out at every opportunity, and you have very calloused knees, you'll fit right in

"engineer" = technician

"technician" = opposable thumbs a plus

[dorifto240]

^ It's funny because it's true.

Also, technician and any of the degree requirements go together.

"Technician, MA in Engineering Required" = We know you're desperate, we know you can't find any job. We're going to pay you in peanuts. Literally peanuts.

Another fun motorcycle/automotive one:

"Project" = I hacked everything to pieces with a machete, the library doesn't have a Haynes manual for it, and duct tape wasn't structurally strong enough to hold the frame together. You're going to need a strong life insurance policy if you buy this one.

"Slight Damage" = Ten gallons of bondo is hiding under that bit of rash/dimple/warping.

[Jcarlson]

"Custom" - I've modified this thing so much it looks and runs like nothing else.

"Custom" - Perhaps someone else will like my lack of creativity as much as I do.

"Custom Paint" - I've wrecked some many times this is the only way I can sell it.

"No Title" - It's stolen and I got suckered by the guy that sold it to me into thinking I could get one.

"No Title" - Bill of Sale don't mean shit!!

"Wife says one bike has to go" - Pussy whipped

"Too Many Toys" - See above

"Project Bike" - I suck as a mechanic.