craig71188 Posted February 20, 2008 Report Share Posted February 20, 2008 CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008 - BILL MAHER'S OLD RULES FOR 2005 New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.' New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.' New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?' A man of great insight and truth! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nitrousbird Posted February 20, 2008 Report Share Posted February 20, 2008 - Welcome to 2005 - Not George Carlin, but rather Bill Maher - How many times does this same thing have to be passed around? - That font is nearly unreadable...let me guess, a copy/paste from some idiot that sends outs mass e-mails. http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheHaze Posted February 20, 2008 Report Share Posted February 20, 2008 - Welcome to 2005 - Not George Carlin, but rather Bill Maher - How many times does this same thing have to be passed around? - That font is nearly unreadable...let me guess, a copy/paste from some idiot that sends outs mass e-mails. http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/newrules.asp That's unfortunate because I read the whole thing with Carlin's voice narrating in my head. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Drewhop Posted February 20, 2008 Report Share Posted February 20, 2008 That's unfortunate because I read the whole thing with Carlin's voice narrating in my head. +1 I still thought it was funny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rotarded1647545491 Posted February 21, 2008 Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 New Rule for CR. Post in a fucking font that doesn't require reading glasses and two Excedrin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan1647545506 Posted February 21, 2008 Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 new rules is bill maher...durr Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTQ B4U Posted February 21, 2008 Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2008 New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting. New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com ! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days --- mowing my lawn. New Rule: Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy's chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster? New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: 'Lucky bastards.' New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we're done. New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water. New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis. New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low, and One NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole. New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN number, pressing 'Enter,' verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want Cash back, and pressing 'Enter' again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you Spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to 'beef with broccoli.' The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high. New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait, they're already doing that. It's called 'The Howard Stern Show.' New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie. New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can't even tell If he's supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don't want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, 'Do you want fries with that?' FIXED as I was right there with you! New Rule for CR. Post in a fucking font that doesn't require reading glasses and two Excedrin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
thorne Posted February 21, 2008 Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 That's unfortunate because I read the whole thing with Carlin's voice narrating in my head. Same thing I'm sad you fail Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lustalbert Posted February 21, 2008 Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 That's unfortunate because I read the whole thing with Carlin's voice narrating in my head. :nod: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Removed Posted February 21, 2008 Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline: Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catc! h an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq . Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved. If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends. I just did. George Carlin Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nitrousbird Posted February 21, 2008 Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 George Carlin's Solution to Save Gasoline: Bush wants us to cut the amount of gas we use. The best way to stop using so much gas is to deport 11 million illegal immigrants! That would be 11 million less people using our gas. The price of gas would come down. Bring our troops home from Iraq to guard the border. When they catc! h an illegal immigrant crossing the border, hand him a canteen, rifle and some ammo and ship him to Iraq . Tell him if he wants to come to America then he must serve a tour in the military. Give him a soldier's pay while he's there and tax him on it. After his tour, he will be allowed to become a citizen since he defended this country. He will also be registered to be taxed and be a legal patriot. This option will probably deter illegal immigration and provide a solution for the troops in Iraq and the aliens trying to make a better life for themselves. If they refuse to serve, ship them to Iraq anyway, without the canteen, rifle or ammo. Problem solved. If you think this is a good solution to both the problems, forward it to your friends. I just did. George Carlin http://www.snopes.com/politics/soapbox/carlingas.asp Imagine that, false again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nitrousbird Posted February 21, 2008 Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 BILL MAHR'S OLD RULES FOR 2005 ................... ................... There, fixed that for you, since it isn't Carlin. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orion Posted February 21, 2008 Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place. regardless of the level of fail in this thread, i really enjoyed this little tidbit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Apex Posted February 21, 2008 Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 ^Yep, and it was new to me. If only a man that smart could be in charge of this country!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craig71188 Posted February 21, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 21, 2008 Original post edited to address the incessant whining - it's humor-just enjoy it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr. Apex Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 Remember what forum your on here Craig, it's the internet and everyone knows everything so take it with a grain of salt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nitrousbird Posted February 22, 2008 Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 Original post edited to address the incessant whining - it's humor-just enjoy it. Look, I love Carlin, have a couple of his DVD's, have seen him live, even bought one his his books for my g/f...that said, credit should be due to the person who actually created it. Especially with an oldie like that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
craig71188 Posted February 22, 2008 Author Report Share Posted February 22, 2008 Hey, you gotta love oldies - hell, look at me! I have no problem with giving Maher credit for his work - it does sound a lot like Carlin though. As to my remarks - old guys have to bitch too sometimes! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.