Teaching money management?

[thorne]

My wife and I constantly have arguments about her not understanding the concept of a budget or money. I'm so stressed out over this shit. This issue could easily become a reason for divorce. I'm trying to come up with a way to handle this. I tried to take all our bills we each have and split it . That don't work.

 

Here is a little background. We had few grand put back in the bank. She got sick related to her diabetes which she was taking horrible care of. She went into the hospital and after bills and time off work we had 0 in savings.

 

Last week was the first time in 4+ months she even had a full paycheck. I've been trying to put money back and pay off 2 credit cards I had to use during that time she was in the hospital.

 

Before we ever got married she was horrid with money. I don't know what to do. I'm tired of fighting over this shit.

 

Ideas?

 

some things to keep in mind.

 

1. Getting rid of her car is not a option.

2. She makes 1/4 to 1/3 of what I do.

3. Before we were married she put herself negative at least once a month.

 

So here is an example of what happens. I tell her yeah you can take 30$ and get like some clothes. This is based on me doing the budget putting money back paying bills and shit.

 

After I say that she asks for more money for a haircut (want not a need atm). Then after I say no to that because I told her to use the money I already allotted she adds a need to the list. She needs a medical need. Which is something I had not budgeted for. So I tell her that because I did not know about this she may need to use part of the other money.

 

This is not the first time. Request cash for want spend cash then tell me she NEEEDS something.

 

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

:mad::(:mad:

 

Hopefully someone else here is married and has a similar situation and has a working solution. RIGHT NOW i handle all of our money because otherwise things don't get taken care of properly . I personally would like to buy a house in 5 -6 years

[TheHaze]

How often does she work?

[RedRocket1647545505]

Talk to Science Abuse. IIRC, he went through the same thing.

 

p.s. Reason #637 why I'm never getting married.

[Cordell]

Sounds more like a communication problem. Couples will always disagree on money, but once I realized that my wife was better at taking care of the money, I just stay out of it. After 10 years together we are getting pretty good at trying to tell each other everything about the money, and she does a good job of managing it. We plan our goals and she makes sure the bills get paid, it works for us. I'll bet it's different for every couple, and it takes a while to work it out. You both have to agree on who's better with it and trust each other, both things that are hard to do. It does sound like the roles are reversed with you guys than it is with us. Good luck sorting that out, it's about the hardest thing for a couple to sort out.

[Conesmasher]

Thorne it's totally communication. More than likely you are both failing to communicate to eachother properly. It's not a personal attack, but married folks sometimes take each other's thoughts for granted at times and messages get lost in midst.

 

 

 

My advice is as such:

 

A budget is a contract. You both must agree to it. Every month you have to review the budget to see if you went over/under and possibly where you need to make adjustments. A budget isn't a set it and forget it thing. It's a fluid contract and you have to adjust it when it isn't meeting either of your needs. The idea is that every dollar is accounted for before it's earned, every penny has a place. Know where your money is going to go and then find out if it went according to plan.

 

Check out Dave Ramsey, he is a little church oriented, but he keeps it relatively secular.

 

Good luck man!!!

[Twistedrx7]

get her diabetes under control first. is it Type I or II?

[RedRocket1647545505]

get her diabetes under control first. is it Type I or II?

 

III

[zeitgeist57]

I agree with Scott in post #4. As married people, you have to do two things:

1) Always have open communication between both parties...

2) Share similar goals.

 

It is the same in business as it is in personal relationships. Simply put, if she does not adhere to a budget that both of you agree upon, she is not respecting your relationship. With all due respect to you, If she doesn't take care of her health either, I fear that she has other major issues that you will need to deal with.

 

I seriously recommend marriage counseling. If not through a paid specialist, then consult a religious leader.

 

EDIT: Since you are open, sharing marital issues on an internet forum, I will ask you an equally open and honest question: why did you marry your wife when she clearly had some major personal issues you disagreed with? Please note that I am not questioning the love you two share, but merely the advancement into a permanent relationship without ironing out some major issues first (the way she treats herself, budget issues...)

[HAOLE]

http://www.daveramsey.com

 

Spend a couple of dollars and put both of you through financial peace university.

 

CUT UP YOUR CREDIT CARDS!!!!!

[TTQ B4U]

http://www.daveramsey.com

CUT UP YOUR CREDIT CARDS!!!!!

 

 

Great advice. Cash only or don't get it. It took us a while to get on the same page but we finally did.

 

We have two credit cards each. One joint personal and one business for each of us. We have an ATM, but literally keep it locked away and don't use it unless we are both in agreement that we for some reason need extra cash at that particular moment.

 

Whatever you do, get it worked out. Finances are perhaps the number one cause of marriages breaking up. I can't tell you how many clients my wife gets going bankrupt only to turn around and come back for a divorce. Tons.

[Wease]

http://www.daveramsey.com

 

Spend a couple of dollars and put both of you through financial peace university.

 

CUT UP YOUR CREDIT CARDS!!!!!

 

Damn straight. Me and my wife will be 100% debt free in a few months. All cars paid for, no other debt, other than the mortgage, which has another 13 years or so. We live well below our means, in terms of what we could afford, so that we can retire earlier, plus take more vacations and generally be in good financial standing. Dave Ramsey knows his shit, but really, most of it is common sense... :nod:

[wnaplay1647545503]

Other than my mortgage, I have been debt free my entire life. I have always paid cash for every vehicle I have ever owned including the new cars I have owned. I used my first credit card last month after having one since high school, and that was even paid off 5 days later. I have had friends who have been in the same boat as you are in. You must be in agreeance on what you want out of life. It is important for some people to own a new car every couple of years. If your with someone who prefers having material things vs financial comfortability and you are the opposite, than you will always have clash's. If you cant come to an agreement on what is important and how you want to live your life, and you still want to be together, then seek counseling. If you let it go, you will both begin to resent each other.

[ghost face]

From my experience separate needs from wants, it seems like you have this concept down, but your wife doesn't. The best way to reinforce this idea I think is to cash your paychecks, except for money that you know you are going to spend on to pay bills (car payment, insurance,electric, water, phone, + saving(hide it from your wife if you have to)) with the cash you have left, spend only that amount for your groceries, gas, misc until your next paycheck and remember NEEDS before wants. Once you conserve and sacrifice enough you can probably start saving more. Also don't care about how other may think of your spending or your looks/ keeping up trends, because they are all temporary.

[TTQ B4U]

I re-read your post and have some additional comments.

 

1. Getting rid of her car is not a option.

2. She makes 1/4 to 1/3 of what I do.

3. Before we were married she put herself negative at least once a month.

 

Here's my first suggestion....don't separate what you make vs what she makes....you're married. There is no more what she has and what I have. You're a team now and the money is pooled. Just because one source of that pool is higher doesn't matter. Think team or don't play the game. It's no different...no one player makes up the majority of the team.

 

In my worlds, there was a time when my wife was in school full time and had zero income. Now there are months where she makes way more than me. Thing can and will change. Hell, at the end of August, I was let go from my new job along with 180 other people....for six weeks, it was all her in terms of income. Thankfully in mid Oct, the balance was back in place.

 

So here is an example of what happens. I tell her yeah you can take 30$ and get like some clothes. This is based on me doing the budget putting money back paying bills and shit.

 

Again, I would completely refrain from "allowances" or control like that. If she feels you tell her she can only have $30 than there will be resentment and fights. She has to be a part of the decision and see why $30 is all there is.

 

Believe me, I put my wife through law school and controlled most of the money up until like 5 years ago, even after she was well into her practice. We didn't get along nearly as well as we do now. Now she realizes that she is part of the decisions and how much money is wise to spend on things.

 

After I say that she asks for more money for a haircut (want not a need atm). Then after I say no to that because I told her to use the money I already allotted she adds a need to the list. She needs a medical need. Which is something I had not budgeted for. So I tell her that because I did not know about this she may need to use part of the other money.

 

Flexibility my friend....medical needs? if it true is a medical need, it sounds pretty serious. It's not an iPod or anything like that. I don't know the situation, but be flexible and understanding. Helps daddy get what he wants more often....at least in my house

 

This is not the first time. Request cash for want spend cash then tell me she NEEEDS something. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

:mad::(:mad:

 

I here you there too.....we are in a similar situation this month. In our case, I need a partitioning software for my PC. I want a new iPod as mine died and the kids need new shoes and coats. Outside the Shoes, the budget didn't call for it.

 

We sit down monthly and sign off on a budget for the month and in this case we are "adjusting" some things but not adding to the budget. iPod is for Christmas and the software will come next week from some mileage I get back for recent travels....although I normally put this into a car fund.

 

Bottom line, no matter what you make and weather you have extra money or a shortfall, pay yourself first and save money before anything else.

 

We do well and usually are in disagreement about how much to save. We both struggle with taking savings / investment funds and using them. We however, absolutely refuse. Even if it means going without the fun stuff, we will not budge from saving and investing. Especially in today's market that's literally on-sale. Separate the emotion and work together as if your life was a business. Save the emotion for non-business stuff...certainly don't waste it on money. Especially if you're like most folks and money is tight...usually not many good emotions come to play.

 

Just some additional thoughts I hope help in some way.

[cptn janks]

p.s. Reason #637 why I'm never getting married.

 

 

exactly. problem solved

[thorne]

How often does she work?

 

Full time she just makes jack shit.

[thorne]

get her diabetes under control first. is it Type I or II?

type 1

 

as for the CC's we don't use them 99% of the time I keep them put back except to expense things for work.That being said, They did save my ass . I don't have a huge about of cc debt its down to less then 2 grand at this point.

[thorne]

There is some great wisdom to be had in this post. I agree with allot of it but here's the thing. Up until this month We've not had anything FUN for a long time. I find it very diffcult to justify spending fun money when I have no backup money sitting around.

 

Also the not taking what she makes into account I find very difficult. She has a college degree and imho should make allot more. But she does not seem to believe in her self or have the drive or something im not sure.

 

I've though about marriage counselling.

 

The other question, Why I married my wife. I will be honest because if your not honest with yourself who can you be honest with? I think sometimes I got remarried faster then I should have because I was scared of being alone.

 

I do love my wife and she justed be a very outgoing person to further herself and it just fell apart. I still love my wife and just hope she goes back to being the women i married all of the time not just sometimes.

 

I do rellieze that I need to do something or else I won't be happy. Any suggestions for a counsler? I don't wish to see a religious counseler.

 

 

I re-read your post and have some additional comments.

 

 

 

Here's my first suggestion....don't separate what you make vs what she makes....you're married. There is no more what she has and what I have. You're a team now and the money is pooled. Just because one source of that pool is higher doesn't matter. Think team or don't play the game. It's no different...no one player makes up the majority of the team.

 

In my worlds, there was a time when my wife was in school full time and had zero income. Now there are months where she makes way more than me. Thing can and will change. Hell, at the end of August, I was let go from my new job along with 180 other people....for six weeks, it was all her in terms of income. Thankfully in mid Oct, the balance was back in place.

 

 

 

Again, I would completely refrain from "allowances" or control like that. If she feels you tell her she can only have $30 than there will be resentment and fights. She has to be a part of the decision and see why $30 is all there is.

 

Believe me, I put my wife through law school and controlled most of the money up until like 5 years ago, even after she was well into her practice. We didn't get along nearly as well as we do now. Now she realizes that she is part of the decisions and how much money is wise to spend on things.

 

 

 

Flexibility my friend....medical needs? if it true is a medical need, it sounds pretty serious. It's not an iPod or anything like that. I don't know the situation, but be flexible and understanding. Helps daddy get what he wants more often....at least in my house

 

 

 

I here you there too.....we are in a similar situation this month. In our case, I need a partitioning software for my PC. I want a new iPod as mine died and the kids need new shoes and coats. Outside the Shoes, the budget didn't call for it.

 

We sit down monthly and sign off on a budget for the month and in this case we are "adjusting" some things but not adding to the budget. iPod is for Christmas and the software will come next week from some mileage I get back for recent travels....although I normally put this into a car fund.

 

Bottom line, no matter what you make and weather you have extra money or a shortfall, pay yourself first and save money before anything else.

 

We do well and usually are in disagreement about how much to save. We both struggle with taking savings / investment funds and using them. We however, absolutely refuse. Even if it means going without the fun stuff, we will not budge from saving and investing. Especially in today's market that's literally on-sale. Separate the emotion and work together as if your life was a business. Save the emotion for non-business stuff...certainly don't waste it on money. Especially if you're like most folks and money is tight...usually not many good emotions come to play.

 

Just some additional thoughts I hope help in some way.

[Akula]

First, sit her ass down and show her simple goes-into and goes-outta. Honey, last month we took in $1000 and spent $1200. Where did the other $200 come from? How much did we save for our future?

 

Then ask questions, like what would you like to achieve with our money? Retirement? House?

 

Set a goal, learn to pay yourself first. I like to pay off the smallest debt first, and work my way up. feels good to have one less thing.

 

Remember this, she doesn't know how to handle money. You have to teach her the basics. Don't think she is going to get it right away.

[RX-7 Addict]

Is she a democrat? She seems to like spending other people's money without working for it

[TTQ B4U]

There is some great wisdom to be had in this post. I agree with allot of it but here's the thing. Up until this month We've not had anything FUN for a long time. I find it very difficult to justify spending fun money when I have no backup money sitting around.

 

Here's the key man....try some stuff that doesn't cost a lot of money. I know it's easier said than done but you can do it. Host a dinner or game day fun with you and perhaps another couple with similar interests. Game day food, Michigan coming up and interaction.

 

Make her a nice dinner during the week. Get back to the romance man. Sounds funny saying it here on tough-old CR, but it works. My wife and I laugh about some of the meals we made back in our early days sitting around a $79 table from Meijers and a candle from a garage sale. Talk about those old times.

 

Zoo lights...coming up on the season. Just out walking, drinking Hot Chocolate and enjoying the brisk air. Does a body good.

 

Exercise. Endorphins and determination. Helps cure any ill feeling moods. Hell, walk the dogs and take them to a park. We just got back from tossing a football with the kids for 30 minutes, freezing our asses off and then warmed up in front of a fire and listening to music. House is pretty peaceful now and it was worth every penny $0.00

 

I do love my wife and she justed be a very outgoing person to further herself and it just fell apart. I still love my wife and just hope she goes back to being the women i married all of the time not just sometimes.

 

I do rellieze that I need to do something or else I won't be happy. Any suggestions for a counsler? I don't wish to see a religious counselor.

 

I'm a broken record, but ditched the pointing fingers...you need to go back to being the "couple" you once were. Look deep....both parties change over time. I know I did and I didn't like the change. I work at being better every day. It's tough, but it's for us and the kids.

 

Happiness is more than about "I"....again, so that you can both be happy. I spend more time trying to make my wife happy and it's difficult at times, but when mama's happy, we are all happy....and that's 24x7, not just the time alone...but that's extra fun now too

 

Check with your insurance plan at work. Ours covered 12 marriage sessions but it had to be billed around "depression" not just family counseling. We went to counseling back in 2003 before our son was born and again in spring of 2007 as the pressures of two little ones and everything were getting to us. Hell, it was basically just a co-pay so to me it was a no-brainier. Humility goes out the window for me when it comes to family, so I had no problem setting it up. It's a wellness visit for the home IMO.

 

We went to a place off Sawmill / Bethel across from Giant Eagle. Can't remember the name, but if I get it I'll PM you.

[Mensan]

Is she a democrat? She seems to like spending other people's money without working for it

 

Thanks for threadshitting in a serious post.

 

Shut the fuck up.

[Cordell]

There is some great wisdom to be had in this post. I agree with allot of it but here's the thing. Up until this month We've not had anything FUN for a long time. I find it very diffcult to justify spending fun money when I have no backup money sitting around.

 

Also the not taking what she makes into account I find very difficult. She has a college degree and imho should make allot more. But she does not seem to believe in her self or have the drive or something im not sure.

 

I've though about marriage counselling.

 

The other question, Why I married my wife. I will be honest because if your not honest with yourself who can you be honest with? I think sometimes I got remarried faster then I should have because I was scared of being alone.

 

I do love my wife and she justed be a very outgoing person to further herself and it just fell apart. I still love my wife and just hope she goes back to being the women i married all of the time not just sometimes.

 

I do rellieze that I need to do something or else I won't be happy. Any suggestions for a counsler? I don't wish to see a religious counseler.

 

If you think you need to see a counseler I hope you don't feel bad about it. That is a really hard step to take for most people. As far as why you married your wife, quite honestly who cares? You love her, and thought so much about it to marry her. It sounds like you are just thinking about it because things are not going so well. I would get that shit out of your head.

 

On a personal note, my wife and I are going through our own hard times right now. I wouldn't be posting in somethink like this if I couldn't identify with some of your problems. I haven't worked in almost two months, and if I had made better decisions over the last 6 months I would still be working. However in the midst of my issues my wife has stood behind me. She has always made more than me, not including her second job. She has kept my spirits up, and not made things any harder for me. She knows that I want to work, and trusts that I will get my shit together again soon. She has never had as low of a point in her life while I've been in it, but I try to be as supportive as possible. I have stepped up my income to cover bills before, and held her up when things go bad.

 

This is how our marriage has gone, and it works for us. I would suggest trying to be supportive and push her in the right direction. I hope things work out better for you guys.

[HotCarl]

Tim's right but I also have to respectfully dissagree. I think its more of the fact that Im much more independant and the serious relationships I have been involved in I was always in charge of major finances. In marriage, admittadly its a whole different ball game.

 

My brother and sister in law seem to have a good mixture. My brother makes slightly more but his wife's job is much more stable (grade school teacher) with better benefits so they simply split bills BUT they still both make contribution's towards the goals they want to achieve TOGETHER. (a house, savings, debt free, children in the near future). However just because they split bills and for the most part keep finances seperate doesnt mean they dont communicate what they're doing.

 

Now my other brother is the complete opposite on the spectrum. He works his ass off while his wife sits at home and doesnt do anything. All of the stress of bills and finances are on his shoulders and it really negativly affects they're relationship. There's alot of animosity on both ends. So it can go both ways.

 

If your going to take the reigns and be 'in charge' then you have to make her feel like she still has some say in decision's and what happens with "OUR" money. If your going to alot her money per month or pay period it should be a percentage not a value. You get to use 30% of your pay and she gets to use 30% of hers on extra's. 30$ wont really get you far.

[kirks5oh]

you should have AT LEAST 3 months of money set aside that you guys could live off of in an emergency situation, if for some reason, you were getting zero income.

 

prepare for the unexpected--major medical expenses, injuries, furnace/air conditioning taking a shit, car breaking, etc.

 

you may end up having to step back to square one, and totally redo your budget. think long term----kids, life insurance, retirement

 

 

i took a massive pay cut this year to get one more year of training, when i could have been easily earning another zero at the end of each paycheck----with young twins, a third on the way, and a wife who doesn't work outside of the home, you could imagine the financial planning that went into this year so that we would be o.k.

 

good luck