Jokes.................

[alab32]

Two peanuts are walking down the street, one was assaulted.

Two strawberries are arguing in a jar. One looks over to the other and says "Shut up! If it wasnt for your big mouth we wouldnt be in this jam!"

Ahhh stupid jokes...

[AOW]

Definition of Swine flu: when an asshat dresses in all Harley Leathers chaps and fingerless gloves, with matching wife, but drives his Harley edition Ford Truck. Its a sickness that may not be cured.

[chevysoldier]

There were Five country churches in a small TEXAS town: the Presbyterian Church, the Baptist Church, the Methodist Church, the Catholic Church, and the Jewish Synagogue. Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will .

In the Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistry and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles out side of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic CHURCH came up with the best and most effective solution so far. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter...

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.

[chevysoldier]

Ralph andEdna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while theywere walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly

jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottomand pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became awareof Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be dischargedfrom the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have goodnews and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged,since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumpingin and saving the life of the person you love.. I have concludedthat your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with hisbathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?'

[jagr]

Edited November 7, 2009 by jagr

[chevysoldier]

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the sidewalk in front

Of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny

Creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead

Car stepped a tall, grinning man.

"Hi there, little girl, I'm President Obama. What do you have in the

Basket?" he asked.

"Kittens." little Suzy said.

How old are they? Asked Obama.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," answered Suzy with a smile.

Obama was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his

PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the president should return the next day and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the sidewalk with her

Basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from ABC, NBC, CBS and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Obama got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "Id love it if you would tell all my friends

Out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Republicans."

Taken by surprise, the president stammered, "But...but...yesterday,

You told me they were DEMOCRATS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know. But today...they have their eyes

Open!" //////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////AMEN

[smashweights]

One day a little girl was showering with her mother and noticed her breasts and said, "mommy, what are those?" She replied, "those are breasts." The daughter then asked, "when do i get breasts mommy?" and mom answered "when you're older honey."

the next day she was showering with her father and noticed his penis and said,"daddy, what's that?" he replied, "that's a penis honey" The daughter then asked, "when do i get a penis daddy?" and he replied, "as soon as mommy goes to work."

[ponyjr]

One day a little girl was showering with her mother and noticed her breasts and said, "mommy, what are those?" She replied, "those are breasts." The daughter then asked, "when do i get breasts mommy?" and mom answered "when you're older honey."

the next day she was showering with her father and noticed his penis and said,"daddy, what's that?" he replied, "that's a penis honey" The daughter then asked, "when do i get a penis daddy?" and he replied, "as soon as mommy goes to work."

That second one is soooooo bad!!

[MidgetTodd]

the next day she was showering with her father and noticed his penis and said,"daddy, what's that?" he replied, "that's a penis honey" The daughter then asked, "when do i get a penis daddy?" and he replied, "as soon as mommy goes to work."

wow Ive got a sick and twisted sence of humor but wow , I couldnt have said that though

[Gump]

Coshocton

[Cypress]

Coshocton

Harsh.

[Cdubyah]

One day a little girl was showering with her mother and noticed her breasts and said, "mommy, what are those?" She replied, "those are breasts." The daughter then asked, "when do i get breasts mommy?" and mom answered "when you're older honey."

the next day she was showering with her father and noticed his penis and said,"daddy, what's that?" he replied, "that's a penis honey" The daughter then asked, "when do i get a penis daddy?" and he replied, "as soon as mommy goes to work."

Thats just turrable... turrable, turrable, turrable.

[DangBruhY]

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different....

Two Different Versions! .................. Two Different Morals!

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant 's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group curse God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

[chevysoldier]

THE ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER

This one is a little different....

Two Different Versions! .................. Two Different Morals!

OLD VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC , PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Acorn stages a demonstration in front of the ant 's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Rev. Jeremiah Wright then has the group curse God for the grasshopper's sake.

Nancy Pelosi & Harry Reid exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the Government Green Czar.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ants food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2010.

Well put!

[Disclaimer]

Maxim's 100 Funniest Jokes

http://www.maxim.com/humor/stupid-fun/85265/maxims-100-funniest-jokes-ever.html

Some are good, some are bad, some make you groan.

[Mojoe]

Mexican Judo:

Judo know if he has a knife. Judo Know if he has a gun.

Edited November 30, 2009 by Mojoe

[Cypress]

Lady loves Tofu so much she wants it on her License Plate, so she goes to the DMV to pay the fee to get it, however they refuse it.

ILVTOFU

(True story)

http://www.upi.com/Odd_News/2009/04/08/Colo-rejects-ILVTOFU-license-plate/UPI-46031239221493/

[Cypress]

Please don't shoot me over these jokes. It's not like I made them up.

How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.

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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

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Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

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How do you know when a woman is about to say something intelligent?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'

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How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course.

He'll shut up once you let him in.

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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.

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Why do men die before their wives?

Because they want to.

----------------------------------------------------

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head, a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

[Cypress]

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.

After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around,in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.

He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.

The more he chided her, the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her,

'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

[Cypress]

One day a Scotsman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, 'It's certainly not a ship.' And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft.

Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde! The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Scotsman and said to him, 'Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?'

'Ten years,' replied the amazed Scotsman.

With that, she reached over and un-zipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag. 'Halo' said the Scotsman, 'that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!'

'And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Scottish whiskey' asked the blonde.

Trembling, the cast-away replied, 'Ten years.' Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve un-zips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. 'Tis nectar of the Gods!' stated the Scotsman. 'Tis truly fantastic...!!!'

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly un-zip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, 'And how long has it been since you played around?'

With tears in his eyes, the Scotsman fell to his knees and sobbed... 'Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!

[cmoosego]

the joke is in your pants.... check it out it's freakin hilarious!!!

[Cypress]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot

As a Christmas gift..

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the

Gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

And that's when the fight started....

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

In bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started....

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer

Would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started......

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping

The channels.

She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

Anniversary.

She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to

200 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school

Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as

He sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her , 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and

I hear he hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' I said, 'who would think a

Person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were

Alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know

How sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem

Funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,

'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started...

[Cypress]

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.' He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, 'Jesus is watching you.' Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. 'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot. 'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.' The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?' 'Moses,' replied the bird. 'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

[bigbluebird]

star just for you

[flyboy1011]

A pick up line one of my friends actually used at a bar once: You know the difference between jelly and jam? ...I can't jelly my cock down your throat