Jokes.................

[bandit12]

Do you know why women bitch so much?

Since they don't snore, burp or fart they bitch to keep from blowing up.

[jessecwalters]

I like your avatar smashweights, haha great stuff

[DangBruhY]

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

So the Pope backhanded the bitch.

[DangBruhY]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A Mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $500. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2011 models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$65.000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $750,000.

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $700,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks:

"Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[4DAIVI PAI2K5]

Haha loved that last one

[alab32]

the pope and nancy pelosi are on the same stage in yankee stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The pope leans towards mrs. Pelosi and said, "do you know that with one little wave of my hand i can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

pelosi replied, "i seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"

so the pope backhanded the bitch.

ha ha ha ha ha!!!

[chevysoldier]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another ' Economic Stimulus' payment .

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

Q. What is an ' Economic Stimulus' payment ?

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka ...

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in America by:

1) Spending it at yard sales , or

2) Going to ball games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

Conclusion:

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

[alab32]

Jessie,

You Stupid Bastard! You cheated on Sandra Bullock?

How in the world can you be so stupid? You are married to one of the

most beautiful women in the world.

She has a body to die for and her current wealth shadowed only by Oprah.

Your wife, recently beat out Julia Roberts in the polls and is now

named "America's Sweetheart."

You also remember, she just won an Oscar and praised you up and down in

front of the world

while you were porkin’ away.

You are really a piece of work! You are the most hated asshole

cheater on the planet!

How can you live with yourself!

I only have one thing to say to the despicable, miserable, cheating

piece of shit that you are:

Thanks for taking the heat off of me. Let’s do lunch.

~Tiger

[chevysoldier]

Dear Lord, in the past year you have taken away my favorite actor.. Patrick Swayze, My favorite actress.. Farrah Fawcett, my favorite musician.. Michael Jackson, and my favorite salesman.. Billie Mayes.. I just wanted to let you know my favorite President is Barrak Obama..

Amen.

[katrider45140]

why are womens wedding dresses white?

so they match the rest of the appliances!

blind man was walking down the street.

he hears a crowd and says "that must be a bar!"

and goes in, he is seated and hears some one

sitting next to him. He asks "do you want to hear

a blond joke?" before he even finishes a women says

" I see that your blind and i will be nice, the chick at the door

is blond, 6'2'' and wrestals underground at night. The chick behind

the bar is blond 5'3'' 160 and has 3 black belts. That blond chick over

there is 6'3'' and is the bouncer. I am blond and the owner of this

chick biker bar! Do you realy want to tell that blond joke now?"

blind man says "Not if i have to tell it four times!"

[chevysoldier]

I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare and the lady said, Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare. I explained that they are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no clue who their Daddys are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. They get their checks Friday. Damn this is a great country.

[ChickOn2]

I went to sign my Dogs up for welfare and the lady said, Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare. I explained that they are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no clue who their Daddys are. They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care. So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify. They get their checks Friday. Damn this is a great country.

hmm. hilarious.

[alab32]

hmm. hilarious.

Come on... it was kinda funny!

[alab32]

So way back in september last year I got a wreckless op and a license plate violation, after leaving marysville to go home via RT4 I passed crawford countys finest sherrifs department intial clocked going 67 in a 55, as said in his statement "I then procceded to do a turn around in the road, when cruiser speeds reached 80mph I noticed that 3/4 mile to 1 mile gap was now between myself and the cycle" "When cruiser speeds reached 130mph I was not gaining distance but also not losing any distance". Since I was not quite familar with the area I was forced to slow down to the posted 35mph zone when I met the buycrus city limits. Of course I was only going 60mph officer! 170mph never cost me so much, I mean 130... . BTW this was at 2am so there was 0 traffic and it was a very rural area.

Best joke of the year... Hey, he said to...

Hey just trying to put my fuck up out there and laugh at it. Ride safe, live with no regrets!

[Cdubyah]

Breaking News! BP stops the Leak!

They put a giant wedding ring around it, and all of a sudden it just stopped putting out...

[chevysoldier]

Breaking News! BP stops the Leak!

They put a giant wedding ring around it, and all of a sudden it just stopped putting out...

[alab32]

+1

[chevysoldier]

GIRLS NIGHT OUT

One night my girls invited me out. I promised my husband I'd be home by midnight. Hours passed and margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 am (a bit loaded) I headed home. Just as I got in the cuckoo clock chimed 3 times. Afraid my hubby would wake I quickly cuckooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution. The next morning he asked what time I got in. I said "MIDNIGHT!"

He seemed fine so I thought I had gotten away with it. Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times said "oh shit", cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat cuckooed 3 times again giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table & farted."

[alab32]

GIRLS NIGHT OUT

One night my girls invited me out. I promised my husband I'd be home by midnight. Hours passed and margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 am (a bit loaded) I headed home. Just as I got in the cuckoo clock chimed 3 times. Afraid my hubby would wake I quickly cuckooed 9 more times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution. The next morning he asked what time I got in. I said "MIDNIGHT!"

He seemed fine so I thought I had gotten away with it. Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock." When I asked why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times said "oh shit", cuckooed 4 times, cleared its throat cuckooed 3 times again giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table & farted."

HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! That was funny...

[chevysoldier]

For some time many of us have wondered who is Jack Shit? We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, You don't know jack shit? Well, thanks to my efforts you can now respond in an intellectual way. Jack Shit is the only son of Awe Shit who married O Shit. In turn Jack Shit married Noe Shit. The couple had 6 children: Holie Shit, Giva Shit, Fulla Shit, Bull Shit and the twins Deep Shit and Dip Shit. Deep Shit married Dumb Shit a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack and Noe Shit got divorced and she married Ted Sherlock and became Noe Shit Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Lota Shit and had a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Shit. Fulla Shit n Giva Shit married the Happens brothers in a double wedding. The newspaper invited everyone to the Shit-Happens wedding. Bull Shit traveled the world and returned home with an Italian bride. Pisa Shit. So from now on, no one can tell you that you dont know JackShit!

[CollectorDave]

Ok, I'll chime in with an old one...

The newlyweds were in their hotel room, eager to consummate their union as being old fashioned they waited until they were married to have sex. The new husband says to his wife, "I'm nervous about being undressed around you, as I had some problems as child". Wife replies, "It's ok honey, I love you no matter what".

As he takes off his socks, she gasps at his feet, he sighs and says "Now you see, as a child, I had Toe-lio"

As he takes off his pants, he hears a gasp again and says "yes it's also true that as a young man I developed Knee-sles"

As he removes his underwear he hears a giggle and looks at her, perplexed. "Lemme guess", she giggles again. "You also had Small-Cox?"

[katrider45140]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary', said the teacher.

'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!'

The teacher wet her pants laughing.......

[MidgetTodd]

I've got one........

A Katana was headed thru Coshocton............

[chevysoldier]

I've got one........

A Katana made it thru Coshocton............

ftfy

[4DAIVI PAI2K5]

I've got one........

A Katana was headed thru Coshocton............

hahahahaha