wnaplay1647545503 Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 16 years I have had kids and 16 years my parents have been putting their 2cents in when nobody cares. I know theres members on here that no longer have parents and would give anything to have parents that care but when is enough, enough. We have discussed them doing this over and over but lately its just been nonsense. They spent my entire chilldhood either working or hating each other and I know they have always tried to make up for their guilt with my kids. Thats fine but they are walking contradictions at this point spending most of the time I see them telling me what I should do with my kids or why I shouldnt have done this. It has put a huge strain on our relationship for years several times to the point I warned them I was close to cutting off all ties. We had another blow out tonight to the point I lost my composure(something I havent done with them in years). How do you get through to people that just dont get it? My issue with them tonight was with my sons attitude and my attempts to correct it before it gets out of hand, but instead of just allowing me to do so my dad feels he needs to get an attitude with me, and then my 20year long menopausal mom has to chime in. And now I feel like the bad guy, as usual. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTQ B4U Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 How do you get through to people that just dont get it? It all boils down to communication. Ask a shit load of questions and instead of telling them anything, make them answer the questions on their own. It's a lot of sales like skills rolled in with some lawyer like methods. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kirks5oh Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 i have a somewhat similar situation. my father constantly tries to put his $.02, every chance he gets. my parents live 8 hours away, but when my father comes to visit, he inspects my house and tells me i need to check for a gas leak, i need to stop giving my kids so many toys, my kids eat too much junk food, we need to child-proof the house more, i shouldn't spend so much money on this/that, etc. i've learned to just accept it over the years, and just blow it off---it irritates my wife beyond belief. since they live 8 hours away, they're only able to visit a couple times a year. i've learned all the things that will elicit an over-protective, or over-bearing response from my father, and i just don't tell him these things. if i buy a new car, i don't tell him. if we buy something for the kids, i don't tell him. when my daughter needed stitches, i told my father a few months later. i guess its a way to eliminate some of the unwanted behavior from him, yet help my wife keep her sanity, so that when my parents DO visit, things are pleasant Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wnaplay1647545503 Posted September 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 I never seen my parents as weak until I became an adult and witnessed them constantly playing the victim. You cant say anything to them no matter the tone without them turning it back around on you. 1. my dad will ever admit to having any of the mild mental issues that plague me, my siblings, his siblings and his cousins, aunts/uncles even parents to the point of having shock treatments back in the 50/60's. Most of us have realized it and accepted it allowing us to understand how it affects our lives and adjust for it but not him. He will get mad for no reason and can point out something insignificant someone did to justify it. The kicker is he only does this to family and is super nice to everyone else. I am all for family accpting you as you are but c'mon. Yes kirk, thats it exactly. I buy something and I have to hear how its a bad choice or my kids get to much. I am part of the blame as I have allowed them such easy access to my kids on a regular basis. Looking back I would have enforced the boundries more in the beginning. I dont understand why they dont do it with my sister and her kids. Must be because mine were all 3 of the first grandkids, we vacation with them several times a year, they live 10 mins away, always want our kids to stay over(when they were much younger) and I truley think they feel like the parents sometimes for no reason other than they seem to always be with us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Karacho1647545492 Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 My experience is more with my grandmother, and its from another angle; she blames every single person in the family for everything EXCEPT me, probably because I'm the only one in the family other than her two sons who speaks Portuguese with her. It can be very difficult to say what you want, but accompany most things with a smile and it softens every word. A lot of my defending my parents and uncles involves me simply smiling and telling her that they're simply raising the family in a way that makes sense for their situation. You're going to have different issues with your kids than they had with you, and you just have to calmly explain to them that you're not ignorant of the things they point out, but things are the way they are for a reason. If you need to make a stronger point, you can tell them their advice to you about how to raise your family is about as well-informed and appropriate as you telling them that they are too old to do this or that and that you're making the decision to fix it by doing _____________. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Forrest Gump 9 Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Learn to ignore. But ultimately they are your parents. They do love/care about you and your family that's why they put in the .02. If they don't love/ care about you and your family they wouldn't say anything. You do have the option of taking the .02 or not, just don't let those .02 get to you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wnaplay1647545503 Posted September 2, 2011 Author Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 They just have a sense of entitlement to my kids. Most times I wish I would have just broke all ties with them years ago. I know its a sad thing to say but I dont have that family bond or need for them in my life, I am just not that kind of person. I need my wife and my kids but other than that nobody in my family would bother me if I never seen them again. I dont know why I am like that, I was treated well as a child although my parents fought or worked, we vacationed with everyone each year, always had family outings ect.. It just reached a point where I just said to myself "I am only here for a very short period of time, and its just not worth the hassle". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kshymkiw83 Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 They just have a sense of entitlement to my kids. Most times I wish I would have just broke all ties with them years ago. I know its a sad thing to say but I dont have that family bond or need for them in my life, I am just not that kind of person. I need my wife and my kids but other than that nobody in my family would bother me if I never seen them again. I dont know why I am like that, I was treated well as a child although my parents fought or worked, we vacationed with everyone each year, always had family outings ect.. It just reached a point where I just said to myself "I am only here for a very short period of time, and its just not worth the hassle". I am the same way. My parents try to cast stones at some of the most petty bullshit. If I call my father a day late for his birthday, he bitches for years about it. I can't miss any single date. If I am early to call him, he just says shit like "Well you know my birthday isn't for another 3 days". I eventually just told him off, told him he should be the last person to say something like that, since he is the one who walked out on our family. I remember for 3 years, guy never called at all. I have pretty much cut ties with my family, especially now that I have moved. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTQ B4U Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 I am the same way. My parents try to cast stones at some of the most petty bullshit. If I call my father a day late for his birthday, he bitches for years about it. I can't miss any single date. If I am early to call him, he just says shit like "Well you know my birthday isn't for another 3 days". My parents are simliar/same. In our case I think it's due to old-school Italian stubborness. Mine are of a mindset that they don't call us (their kids) we are to call them and go see them each week. They have a sense of entitlement that I never thought they would. They feel that the are to be sought out daily by myself and siblings for insight advice on whatever we do and to heck with us if we make a mistake and didn't ask them for thoughts first. I haven't purposely cut them out or anything, nor do I avoid them. They clearly don't understand how much more complicated my life is with kids, work, travel, ect. vs when they were doing the same. 2011 is certainly not the same as 1954 and while they didn't have it easy, I really don't see my parents giving me credit for all that has been accomplished in a time frame that is exponentially more difficult and moving way way faster than when they did all this. Like has been said before, just let it go, pick and choose your battles and in my case, just ask the tough ass questions when presented with a debate or discussion. I think you'll find the questions are avoided or subjects switched. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not Brian Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 My parents are still way smarter than I am and their two cents is usually worth thousands.. so I can't really relate, sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tractor Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Not sure if its t rue for all situations but I've noticed my (dad especially) get more anal as he ages. To me it simply explained old people. It would be cool if there was some study on it. You know how old people get about kids in their yard etc, yet you know they did it when they were kids and got yelled at by an old fart too. I hope to not care, because at this stage in my life the neighbors kids in my yard is just cool. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KillJoy Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 LOLS....... try living with your Parents, and Wife and Kids.... :gabe: KillJoy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PRD2BDF Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Every action will have an consequence. I've always stood up for myself against my parents. They know I will ask for advice when I need it but they won't put it on me since I can shoot down their advice with valid points etc. What about cutting ties for a week, then if they keep it up, make it two weeks, do it again? Make it three weeks and so on? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TTQ B4U Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Not sure if its t rue for all situations but I've noticed my (dad especially) get more anal as he ages. To me it simply explained old people. It would be cool if there was some study on it. You know how old people get about kids in their yard etc, yet you know they did it when they were kids and got yelled at by an old fart too. I hope to not care, because at this stage in my life the neighbors kids in my yard is just cool. ^^ Tilly should chime in. IMO it's because they have more time, are likely bored...I know my dad hates not having something to do. Now he's getting much older and isn't able to do things he once could, so I think that loss of control has manifested into being even more controlling with things he can do or impact. aka his familiy. That control translates into security and likely is a way of denying his getting old. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trouble Maker Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Just do better for your kids than your parents have done for you. Generational inheritances of the way you raise kids, the kind of life you give to them and yourself, are very hard to break. That's what my mom did, and it's part of why I have an amazing relationship with my parents. Sometimes I hear stories about my grandparents on my mom's side, see things the did/are doing and I don't know how she got to where she is. Anyways, sorry I don't have any help with the parent situation, but just focus on your kids and don't worry about your parents too much. From everything I've heard on here, am reading in this thread, it's what you do anyways; but I wanted to point out that it's the right path. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alfa Turbo Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 The subject is boundaries. If you are experiencing some friction or discomfort in your life with another chances are good you don't understand let alone set boundaries for yourself. Helpful in any relationship, learning how to set boundaries is easy to do and makes a world of difference whether you are dealing with you parents, your spouse, your children or the random jerk. Anne Katherine has several good books on the subject (Amazon: Where You End And I Begin: How To Recognize And Set Healthy Boundaries) or do a web search on the topic. Personally it was rather eye opening reading her book, I saw the many times my boundaries were trampled as well as the many times I trampled others. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zeitgeist57 Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 Paging Dr. Tilley... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hwilli1647545487 Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 I think Alfa Turbo said it best. You must set and enforce boundries. If those boundries are crossed you have to let them know that it is unaccaptable. If it continued escalate the punishment. Let them know this is your life to live, not thiers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alfa Turbo Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 The important part is to let the other person know how you feel. Just letting them know it is unacceptable is not setting boundaries, that's a controlling response. Example based on the OP's first post... and I am guessing here... you work with the details. When you... I feel... I want... "Dad, when you tell me how to raise my kids I feel like I'm not a good parent. I want to feel like a good parent." Then state the outcome(s). If you... I will... "If you continue to correct my parenting of my children, I will begin to limit the times we see each other. I would prefer to not but I will take those steps to protect myself." In this way the other person gets a real, clear sense of what you are feeling. They can relate to the feeling (who likes to feel like a bad parent?) and in doing so they can see how their behavior is affecting you and can make changes. They don't have to change, some people are jerks on purpose, but the vast majority do get the message. If they don't, you have already set a plan in place to deal with that and in doing so... feel better about yourself. It's a classic win-win. Remember, what you feel is what you feel and that is all that is important. Just because someone else does not feel the same as you in that situation does not negate your feelings. So, in the "you don't get nothing for free" column, setting boundaries requires work... work to understand what you are feeling and then communicate that feeling. Most people find it easier to just spout off... "Quit it or....!" or just internalize it which does nothing really to help understand how you feel or communicate anything other than you are experiencing rage or anger right now. Wow, is this still the CR forum? Ha ha ha... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ImUrOBGYN Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 I simply don't put up with it and my family, what family I have left anyway, doesn't cross me. None of them think Im an asshole and love me, but they all no not to push me. I established this 'no bullshit' attitude many, many years ago and nobody crosses it, now. On the occasion it may, I put my foot down and it's respected. It's hard to comment on your predicament without walking in your shoes or at least being involved more directly. The only thing I can really say is to talk to them and tell them the problem. I cant tell you how to be more direct/covincing, etc. in a post. I can tell you that once you make it clear to them how this makes you feel and how it's affecting your relationship with them and with others and they still cross that boundry, then you have to stick with your guns. If that means telling them next time you don't want them coming to visit or if that means literally kicking them out of the house, then so be it. They'll have nobody to blame but themselves. If they truly love you and your family, they'll get it eventually and learn to respect you the way they should. If not, suck it up, and know that sometimes this shit happens and live with the knowledge that you tried your best, amicably and with the best intentions and wash your hands if it's going to cause this many problems. It's ok not to get along with your parents. It's not like you get to choose them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpaceGhost Posted September 2, 2011 Report Share Posted September 2, 2011 LOLS....... try living with your Parents, and Wife and Kids.... :gabe: KillJoy I feel ya! Try having your parent move in with you and your wife and 2 kids, because of poor life decisions. Then tell me how bad it is. I would kill for a parent that could support themselves, I'll take all the opinion I could get. I could care less what they say. Having a Parent be your "new" child with no job, fucking blows. BTW I got two extra cats too. Never will I ever own a pet the rest of my life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kshymkiw83 Posted September 6, 2011 Report Share Posted September 6, 2011 I feel ya! Try having your parent move in with you and your wife and 2 kids, because of poor life decisions. Then tell me how bad it is. I would kill for a parent that could support themselves, I'll take all the opinion I could get. I could care less what they say. Having a Parent be your "new" child with no job, fucking blows. BTW I got two extra cats too. Never will I ever own a pet the rest of my life. We just had to send my mother in law about 500 bucks, because she is a moron. Can't balance a checkbook....she doesn't get that just because the store hasn't cashed the check, she doesn't have the money. She also thought she should stop paying her mortgage to catch up on her other bills. So my wife and I got stuck buying her little brothers school supplies and clothes this year. Then on top of that had to send her mom 500 bucks, to cover her rent, and shit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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