Warning: I'm simply venting out loud in this post. I don't really expect any help, or even any comments. I simply need to vent. I tried screaming earlier, but it didn't help, only made most of the people in the therapy pool turn and stare heh. I really do try my best not to let pain get to me, or even show that I am in pain, but sadly Pain is winning the battle right now. I still go to bed every night, thinking that Tomorrow, I will wake up and be pain free! I'm not sure if this is the right spot to write a post like this..It's definitely off topic, and it's a time waster for sure. I have been trying to hang in there for awhile now. I have soooo much Horrible pain lately, that it is just killing me. All of my body hurts really, but the majority of my pain is in my neck, back, and the upper parts of my legs. I don't know how to even describe it. It just hurts, and is ruining my life. It's such beautiful weather out, but then there is me, hurting so very badly that I can't safely ride. My Dr.s aren't exactly helping me either. I suppose that is why they call it "practicing medicine". Sure, they give me pain killers, but that is just masking whatever is actually causing all this. I've been awake for about 6 hours today, and have taken 5 pain killers already! (Morphine and Oxycodone) I still can't stand up completely straight due to pain. I still, Hmm I guess Hobble would be a good word here, hobble more then I am able to actually walk. For almost the past week, I have been spending close to 20hours a day, every day, flat on my back. I have been switching between my 2 beds, couch, and the floor. Man oh man, the process of trying to stand up, from laying flat on my back on the floor can only be described as torturous! I have also been using my Tens unit, but that seems to only help while it is actually on me, and it can't cover all of me that hurts at once! I keep having to cancel any, and all plans that I had/have that aren't Dr. related. Sure, with all the pain killers I have, I could probably go out and as long as I don't have to walk much, I would probably be able to manage. I am so drugged up though, that I can't safely ride, or drive anywhere, and I doubt I actually would be able to enjoy myself. The only thing I have done in the past couple of weeks are.. Dr. appointments, and I go a very heated therapy pool almost every morning to do my physical therapy routine. While I am in the pool, that is the best I will feel all day long. I guess the weightlessness of being in the water helps. I still hurt though, and I still have pain every step I take, but I am at least able to walk halfway decent. Several of the people who are also there almost daily, have noticed and commented about me being worse. I guess it I can't hide the pain anymore, it is showing itself in my movements. For the past week, I have also been able to make both arms, and hands go numb. I can do it at will, and it takes me just under a minute. All I have to do, is any type of stretch that moves my arms behind me any. Even just stretching, pulling both shoulders back and holding that position will do it. I know I have a couple pinched nerves in my neck, but apparently, one either got much worse, or another one got pinched. Sadly, pain isn't exactly rare for me. It is a common, everyday, all day long occurrence. This is far beyond what I am used to though. Before the past few weeks, my morphine was enough to "control" my pain, and I could function normally. On Long rides where I expected to feel more pain, or when I needed a little extra assistance in my constant battle with my arch nemesis Pain!, taking an Oxy with it was easily enough for me. I got my dosage doubled since then, and even with the Oxy mixed in, it simply isn't helping. I don't know if I suddenly developed a complete tolerance to these pain killers, or something got really screwed up in me, because they simply don't appear to be working. While I am totally against that horrible "S" word, I must admit I have been thinking about death a lot lately. I haven't been envisioning my own demise, planning it, or anything like that. I just have been thinking about it far too often. It might be due to the extremely Violent dreams that my pain killers usually lead me to have, I don't know. What came first, the violent dreams, or the thoughts of death while awake? It doesn't matter. I have them, I don't like it. This isn't a cry for help, or attention or anything like that. Again, I'm not in danger of that "S" word. The thoughts of death, aren't always My death, simply death in general. No one needs to worry about that :S" word with me. I've seen what it does to families/friends, and it simply won't happen. Again, I am simply Venting about my uncontrollable pain. Nothing more. Writing is a type of therapy for me. Letting others read what I write is new, but I am desperate with nothing to lose, except pain! Speaking of therapy, my therapist even left me awhile ago. That is making this current battle with pain much harder to deal with. Between her, and the hypnosis that she used several times, she really was helping me a lot. I felt I had great potential with her. Hypnosis is pretty cool, and I really liked it, and truthfully felt it was helping me. It isn't an instant fix though, as you listen to the recordings of your hypnosis sessions daily, and gradually you notice a difference. At least that was my experience. I did notice an Instant difference in that after the session, I "woke up" feeling very much at peace. A later session was geared towards helping me sleep, since sleeping pills didn't work. I did also notice an Instant fix in that. From that very first night I listened to the recording of our sleep hypnosis session, I actually fell asleep by the end of the recording! (10ish minute hypnosis session) For me, that was simply amazing, as it would usually take me close to an hour. Sadly though, because of my crappy insurance, there was some issue, and she wasn't able to see me anymore. She is/was one of the best medical type people that I have ever met, and with my crappy health issues, I have met a LOT of them. (If you've never tried hypnosis, and have a problem you want to get over, you really should give it a try. It isn't the whole Quack like a duck thing, it's more like a guided meditation, but that's another story for another time. If you do want more info about it, or a referral to her, send me a PM and I'll answer anything) The only "good" thing I can say about the past couple weeks, is that I have been Aware of my situation. Sadly, I am used to riding in pain, riding while on meds. I know my limitations, and with the higher morphine dosage, and the extra Oxy's I've been taking... I still have been aware of my limits enough to know that I need to stay off of 2 wheels. 4 is even sometimes questionable. I want so very much to be able to go out and ride with everyone, and anyone! I live to ride, and ride as much as I can! Truthfully, in my current shape and situation, if I go more then 5 minutes away from my house, or have to ride on any road that isn't straight heh, then there is a very high risk of something bad happening. I have been able to actually make myself skip the rides, and cancel my plans. It might not sound like much to you guys, but riding is such an important part of my life. I truly am addicted to it, and I have been craving it lately. I enter every planned ride that I am hoping to go on into my GPS, hoping that the morning of the ride I will wake up, be pain free, and be able to make the ride! I still have had the strength to tell myself that I need to stay home. That is about the only "good" thing I can think of. Another Horrible thing about all this pain, is my poor puppy Valor. (last time he was weighed, 18weeks old, 69lbs. Yup, he's a ladies man, err ladies Puppy!) I love him so much, but I am having a very hard time being able to take care of him properly. It's a Very good thing that he is a Mastiff, and loves to sleep. I'm not really able to work with him like I had hoped, and I'm definitely not able to get down on the ground, or floor and play with him. Fetch, playing in his little kiddie pool, and the hose is the most I can play with him. I do often let him sleep on the bed beside me though, so he definitely isn't neglected, or stuck in a cage all day, or anything like that. I simply can't work with him, and play with him like I want to. He does play with my other full grown Mastiff though. That gets rid of some of that puppy energy. I am very grateful that my parents live close by, and are willing to help out with him. He really should spend more time with them so that I am able to rest more, but I don't like to bother them with puppy sitting. I know they say they don't mind..but he is my responsibility. I feel as though I Have to take care of him, even if it means I have to suffer more. I guess that's about all for now. I hope all of you guys are able to get out, and enjoy this awesome weather. Ride a little extra for me, as I've been living flat on my back lately. Thanks for reading! Ben
