RSVDon Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 What the Haynes Manual really means: Haynes: Rotate counterclockwise. Translation: Clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with hammer counterclockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: Clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer. Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start. Now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox. Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy the giant economy size of WD40 Haynes: Retain small spring... Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?" Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Check Weekly... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it. Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be. Be warned. Haynes: One Wrench Rating (difficulty guide). Translation: An infant could do this... so how did you manage to fuck it up? Haynes: Two Wrench Rating (difficulty guide). Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you). Haynes: Three Wrench Rating (difficulty guide). Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days. Haynes: Four Wrench Rating (difficulty guide). Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you? Haynes: Five Wrench Rating (difficulty guide). Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones in it again. Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.... Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some vise grips and a hammer... Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one" Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions. Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: Yeah, right. But you swear in different places. Haynes: Pry away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Everyday toolkit Translation: AAA Card & Mobile Phone Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Alternatively, clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with hammer. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book, except for what you need to do. Reply 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bad324 Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 holy hell hit the nail right on the head Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scottie.harris Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 Funny as hell, but sadly true. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevysoldier Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 Those are SO true!!!Haynes: Retain small spring... Translation: PINGGGG - "Jesus, where the hell did that go?" ^^ This one really pisses me off. Seems to happen all the time. Ball bearings, springs, retaining clips...ugh Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kawi kid Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 Awesome lol Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casper Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 Those are SO true!!!^^ This one really pisses me off. Seems to happen all the time. Ball bearings, springs, retaining clips...ughI just choked on coffee because of that one. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chevysoldier Posted December 8, 2010 Report Share Posted December 8, 2010 I just choked on coffee because of that one. It's the truth! I had to take my impact apart a couple of weeks ago. I started to pull the guts out and a spring shot out, flinging the rest of the parts across the shop. thankfully I had a rebuild kit on hand, even though I didn't want to use it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve Butters Posted December 9, 2010 Report Share Posted December 9, 2010 Haynes: Lightly...Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with hammer. andHaynes: Inspect...Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"had me crackin up Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dorifto240 Posted December 9, 2010 Report Share Posted December 9, 2010 Haynes: Now carefully...Translation: Put back together, pray the car starts. If not, call a wrecker and take it over to your mechanic.Seriously though, there's definitely a market for a real life car repair manual. Let's see how simple it is for Haynes to tear down and rebuild a car after it's had a few winters wreak havoc on it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cdubyah Posted December 9, 2010 Report Share Posted December 9, 2010 Rep for youI hate Jesus pins. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jst2fst Posted December 9, 2010 Report Share Posted December 9, 2010 Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with vise grips then beat repeatedly with hammer. My brother and I were replacing my sway bar links on my car. Come to find out we needed an impact that the book did not mention. Had to use the hammer and wrench method. Took f-ing forever to get it loose. Got my neighbors impact and said to hell with it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jporter12 Posted December 9, 2010 Report Share Posted December 9, 2010 Why doesn't it say anything about the fire-wrench? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.