Need to vent and need advice

[TRMN8TR]

I'm not going to get into all the details, but I'm having a hard time coping with a situation and just need to get something out there. Last Monday my brother was in a mountain bike accident that led to a broken back and we are now facing the possibility he will never walk again. He was out in Utah with friends and I got out here the moment I heard. I'm with his fiance and my mom who are both taking the news very hard. I'm trying to be the strong one for my brothers sake, but after almost a week it is taking its toll on me. I just feel like I need to let it all out, but I don't want to do it in front of any of them. Its so hard for me to see my big brother that I've looked up to all my life laying there, unable to move under his own strength. Its been an especially hard day as we are realizing he might not have control of his bowels anymore. I fear for his quality of life and I don't know how to deal with it all. I don't want him to have to live like that. I don't dare mention the thought in front of them as I think they both might break down again. I don't know how my brother is being so positive and in good spirits, but I'm so glad he is.

If any of you have gone through a life changing situation like this with a loved one before, how did you deal with it all?

[Gixxus Christ!]

I can't say I've been through something like that and you have my condolences and sympathy in your situation. I know it ain't much but its all I got. Try to keep positive, they have made a lot of advances in medical science and people with traumatic spine injuries have been known to recover and live a full or slightly limited life. Your brother has a long hard road ahead of him and will need all the support he can get. That's where you come in. Don't lose hope, don't dispare and above all do what you can to help his family so that he can focus on his recovery. Good luck and I honestly hope things work out and your big bro can get back on his feet.

[TRMN8TR]

I will definitely not give up hope. I know my brother is a fighter and he won't either. I just feel like I'm at a loss right now. I have a wonderful gf that would let me cry on her shoulder but she's 1700 miles away. Something just isn't the same talking on the phone about it. I'm ready to let it out but instead I just sit here holding it all in trying to be strong for everyone. But the pit in my stomach is growing larger.

[Helmutt]

I haven't been through quite what you're describing, but I do feel your pain and have been where you are now. My sister was in a near fatal crash years ago. She passed out at the wheel out from lack of insulin in her system and wrapped her truck around a huge tree. Shattered most everything on her left side from the impact, but she is virtually recovered from it all aside from some mildly chronic pain, and joint soreness occasionally. But seeing her badly beat up in ICU with pins, cables, weights keeping her leg in alignment really tore me down. I have trouble even being in a hospital, much less seeing someone I know and love in that condition.

Its definitely a good thing he is keeping a positive state about it all, but to him its not over with. There will be tons of rehab work for him to get frustrated about so hopefully he keeps a good attitude through it all. I wouldn't take the first diagnosis as prophecy just yet, doctors can be wrong like anyone else so there's hope that he can still lead a normal life.

Good for you staying strong, somebody has to and you've taken it upon yourself to be the one. Just maintain in front of everyone as much as you can, but be sure to give yourself some time alone to help cope and crack down a little......its not a bad thing that you need to grieve about this, human nature man......dont think you're less of a man because of it, I dont even know you but I can tell you're being a big man about it all.

Best of luck to you and yours, I truly hope your bro pulls through this to ride again!

[TRMN8TR]

I think you're right, I just need to go for a walk. Cry my tears, say my prayers and grieve a little. I just haven't had much more than a minute to myself so I've been keeping my "I've got it together" face on.

[Helmutt]

A week is too long to not give yourself some time to get right with things, would do you some good to renew yourself, your faith, and come to better terms with it all. Positivity is key to keep yourself from darkness, but sometimes its a must to turn out the lights, just for the tension release. Good luck man

[jporter12]

I know some people that have been through what your brother is dealing with. If you'd like to hear how things turned out I will post more. I don't want to be too specific if you're not prepared for it yet, but something like this is NOT the end of the line, it's just a curve down a different path, that can be much better for someone!

I will say a prayer for comfort and understanding, for you and your family,and for healing for your brother!

[RVTPilot]

I'm not sure I can say much more than these fine folks have already said, but know that we'll have him, you, and the family in our thoughts and prayers. I agree though that you need to make some time to exhaust yourself of the pent up emotions. Until you do, your focus will be distracted by them, and you could lose it at a time where you'd like not want to. You are entitled to your moments to release, and once that passes, you can better use your strength on supporting your brother and not suppression. Sorry to hear of his and we'll be praying for his recovery as well!

[scottb]

I am on vacation this week, but when i get back we can talk. As you know towards the end with my fathers issues, he was bed ridden and could not walk. I had to carry him from the bed to the living room until we got a hospital bed for him. So, the mental part of that was like, this is my father and total sucks that he can not move on his own, but everything was done out of love for him. The difference with my father was we knew his condition was short term and we knew what the result was going to be.

I sat at his bed side lifting his legs up, just helping to give my father hope that the cancer tumor would shrink with his treatment and he would be able to walk.

I was on the emotional roller coaster. This was the man that was always active, working in the yard, and washing cleaning cars.

Some of my experience is almost the same, but the difference is we knew my dad was terminal and we did what we could for those 3 months. I am not sure how I would be able to deal with that longer term.

On on hand, saying "well at least he is alive" only goes so far when everybody's life will be changed.

[scottb]

Check your PM. I will be in southern Utah tonight. I will call you when i get there. We can meet if you are in the southern part of Utah.

[ohiomike]

I certainly feel for you. When I worked at a VA hospital as an aide years back I witnessed crisis' like yours more than I care to remember. Everyone handled theirs differently, but the recurring thing I remember is how family members held it together which seemed to be so uplifting to the rest of the family. I was witness to many tho that had to excuse themselves from the crowd so they could let it out in their own way. Part of this was usually religious, but also a physical 'blow', you know, where they would cry, or talk, or be silent, scream, punch something.....whatever was their 'relief valve' so to speak. Find yours and let off the steam, the emotions, that pent up rage at being helpless to fix things. It does help. You and your family are in my prayers and I do wish you all nothing but the best.

[donkason]

As mentioned before there are so many advances the "you'll never walk again" is not permanent sentence. My uncle was a quad and still lived a descent life. He was injured in the 70's though.

I'm aggressive by nature and I look at challenges like this and, for a lack of better words, try to make it my bitch. Maybe I'm a wierdo but it works for me. Then again I've never been injured like your brother.

His new sport is physical therapy and the family and doctors are his team. Knuckle up and stay tough for him.

Sent from my SCH-I510 using Tapatalk 2

[J_Copeland]

Brandon,

I have no experience with this situation.

But,I can offer words of encouragement in this difficult time.

Stay positive and strong for your big brother !

I will be praying for him and your entire family for a complete recovery !

[serpentracer]

be the rock for eveyone man.

it's not the end of the road. look for other support groups with people with that kind of injuries. I bet the docs or hospital staff can point you in their direction. it will help put a bright light at what seems a very dark tunnel right now.

[TRMN8TR]

Thanks to everyone for the kind words. Its kinda silly but I think my "internet therapy" has actually helped in a way. I went for a long walk by myself this morning just to think. I know I just need to help my brother stay positive and I know he will push through this.

[speedytriple]

So sorry to hear the bad news Brandon. I can only say that your family is in my prayers and to take a little time to be alone and let some of it out. If you need to talk about it you have my number. Hope your brother pulls through this as best he can, and stay strong but take time if you need to.

[max power]

This sucks man, but like everyone else has said, keep your game face on and find your outlet.

Your brother needs you to be tough right now. Good luck to you, him and your family.

[jbot]

hey brandon. i'm really sorry to hear about your brother. i know i would be pretty crushed if my sister got hurt... let me know if you want to talk. if you need help with anything with your place while you're with your brother, let me know too.

[r1crusher]

Hey Brandon, sorry to here about your brothers misfortune. I pray that you're able to find your release and be there for those that need you most. If you need anything I'm sure you know that all you need to do is ask.

[BDBGoalie]

Sorry to hear that. I reitierate what others are saying in that recovery is much better now a days.

Everyone has their own coping mechanism. Some draw inwards, some use exercise/sports, some drink, some bury themselves in work; there are many things out there to occupy the thoughts.

I deal best by talking about the situation to others. I find it very helpful because it lets me get things out to trusted people, and that lets my mind not dwell on it which just makes things worse.

Staying strong for your family is a good, but what they really might need is to see you're hurting as much as they are and really sit down and talk about it. Everyone holding things in for each other makes all of you have to internalize problems instead of talking openly about them.

Feel free to hit me up if needed.

[TRMN8TR]

Unfortunately I have to head back to Ohio tomorrow. I wish I could stay, but I'm running out of days off. FMLA is an option, but not a paying option. Hoping my mom can hold it together here for him.

Thanks again for the support. Don't ask me why, after seeing all this happen to my brother, but I'll be at the next Motoseries round and looking forward to seeing all of you that will also be there. It's like my great escape from all of life's problems.

[Scruit]

When my younger brother was 10 he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The doctors didn't even want to operate, they used the words; "make him comfortable". After some consultation it was decided to operate under the understanding that he only had a 50/50 chance of surviving the operation, and a 90% chance of being left totally blind because the tumor grew around his the optic nerves.

I had tried to be the strong one. My mother was devastated and my other younger brother was too young. My older brother and I had to be "the rock". My step-dad didn't care and my biological father lived in another country (came home for the operation, but there was no interaction between him and my mother due to unresolved acrimony).

I was doing great all the way through the operation, several hours. We all sat in the waiting room trading funny stories about my brother as the surgeons cut his brain open (looked like Data from Star Trek when they open his scalp to access the control panel on his skull) to get the golf-ball-sized tumor out. I reminded everyone that he and I spoke a non-English language for years as he struggled with his Aphasia (auditory dyslexia, tumor-related it turns out) I had to translate for the rest of the family. I was just in tune with him so when he spoke his jumbled nonsensical words I understood fine.

The doctor walked in to the room and told us they were done and he was awake but they had to take more good brain tissue than they wanted, and warned us that even if he survived he "most likely won't be him any more." My mother and I were first to visit him. I had to hold her up as we approached the room, almost carry her, she was utterly destroyed be grief and worry. He looked asleep but we knew he wasn't. We were shocked by his black eyes despite being warned it would happen. He roused slightly but didn't respond to my mother. We were both imagining the worst - was he in a vegetative state?

I put my hand in his face as if try to wipe the black eyes away, and said; "Do you know who I am?"

He opened his eyes, draw a deep and labored breath, then said; "Stop being stupid Scruit, of course I know who you are."

I told him to "Get well soon, you're using up a perfectly good hospital bed that someone else might need." then took my mother back out into the corridor. I made sure I was out of earshot of his room... And I was done. Collapsed on the floor and cried like a baby. My mother sat with me, not doing any better herself.

As we stood up again she told me to wash my face and compose myself before we went back down to the waiting room to relay the news. She told me that I had been the only strong one and that everyone was relying on me to be strong to help them through it. I told her I wasn't. She said that didn't matter - if I can be strong for them then that's all that matters. Being strong doesn't mean you are emotionless. Being strong means you stand there are a beacon of hope and strength for those who need you, when they need you.

We went back downstairs and I relayed the news that he had survived, retained *some* sight and was still "him". Not a dry eye in the room, except mine. I was still the strong one for everyone, and they took comfort from that.

Being strong doesn't mean you have to be divorced from all feeling. It's a tough role, but you need to fill it. Be that guiding light of hope for your family when they are around...

Nobody will judge you for how you cope with it on your own.

Least of all me.

Edited September 8, 2012 by Scruit

[snot]

My step mom overdosed on meds due to short term memory loss 12 yrs ago. It was due to a brain tumor the size of a grapefruit. She suffered 3rd degree burns on her head from radiation treatments after it was cut out. She has loss of short and long term memory,, drop foot, bowel issues, loss of muscle mass, and depression. She was out going had a bike loved out doors and travel. My dad takes care of her the best he can but he isnt very healthy. But he tries everyday to make her laugh and happy as he can. She uses a wheel chair ( can no longer hold her own weight with her legs) but still vets

around some.

Do not give up miracles happen everyday. Be glad he is still with you, his quality of life can still be great. You have to given into your feelings so you can heal too. My prayers are with each of you.

[Reimbrandt]

If ya can.... Tryn talk with bkizz. Sorry to hear about your brother...... But i thnk brian would have some enlightening words for your sitch

[scottb]

I understand about the lack of time off. That does suck.